John Gordon Ross

A Man for All Reasons

John Gordon Ross header image 3

Whittle It a Little, It’ll Fit

Odds and sods I look at regularly, just because they amuse me. I hope they do the same for you. Incidentally, I found this page’s title on Greg Ross’s Futility Closet (it’s somewhere on this page) in a mini-article which also includes the delightful sentence in Icelandic: Barbara Ara bar Ara araba bara rabbabara. Ross points out that this, “besides being fun to say, is spelled with only three letters. It means “Barbara, daughter of Ari, brought only rhubarb to Ari the Arab.”

Fark.com RSS » "My hope with the lawsuit, is to require basic fairness before the seizure of homeless property. The tent that was taken was my home. At the end of the day, all we ask for is a basic level of respect from the city" [Sad]

Saturday 4 October 23:58:38 UTC 2014

Sad [link] [95 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Turns out, there is still some decency among teenagers today after a high school voted a special needs student with cytomegalovirus–who suffered a stroke that caused severe brain damage–as Homecoming Queen [Hero]

Saturday 4 October 23:42:58 UTC 2014

Hero [link] [51 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Woman defrauds Victoria's Secret out of more than $53,000 by stealing and returning underwear for cash [Florida]

Saturday 4 October 23:25:42 UTC 2014

Florida [link] [52 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Cats and dogs living together ? Harrumph ( I didn't get a harrumph out of this guy ). Cats and dogs sharing blood to save lives ? OK [Florida]

Saturday 4 October 23:23:12 UTC 2014

Florida [link] [15 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » It's all fun and games 'til a homemade rocket lands inside your house [Scary]

Saturday 4 October 23:13:18 UTC 2014

Scary [link] [17 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Woman who got stiffed when her father died digs up the body to search for his "real will," but only finds a pack of cigarettes in his hand. No word on whether she smoked them [Stupid]

Saturday 4 October 23:12:02 UTC 2014

Stupid [link] [25 comments] [Link]

FMyLife » runsinthefamily says FML

Saturday 4 October 23:01:05 UTC 2014

Today, my neighbor called the cops on me, claiming I'd threatened him with a gun. Despite zero proof, they took me to the station and gave me hell. I guess what I've learned today is that you should never offend your crazy neighbor by breaking up with his daughter. FML [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Former Haitian dictator "Baby Doc" Duvalier dies at 63; Abe Vigoda seen walking down the street whistling to himself, carrying a little doll and a pin [Interesting]

Saturday 4 October 22:49:53 UTC 2014

Interesting [link] [44 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Police Academy floor sucks. Citizens on patrol to find out why [Obvious]

Saturday 4 October 22:40:27 UTC 2014

Obvious [link] [20 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Charges dropped against lying, pot-smoking, illicit maker and seller of semiautomatic rifles, and well-known open-carry advocate (see I said advocate, not nut. Not nutty nut nutcake. Nosireebob, there'll never be a problem with this guy, oh no) [

Saturday 4 October 22:31:54 UTC 2014

Dumbass [link] [37 comments] [Link]

FMyLife » Anonymous says FML

Saturday 4 October 21:47:30 UTC 2014

Today, my allergies flared up and I started sneezing. I guess my girlfriend was having a bad day, because she lost her shit and started telling me how annoying I am and how I can never do anything right. I'm not sure if we're still a couple, because she stormed out and won't answer my calls. FML [Link]

FMyLife » Anonymous says FML

Saturday 4 October 21:28:03 UTC 2014

Today, I finally got around to cleaning out my mother's things after her passing. In the process I found a fancy box. What did it contain? A collection of crack pipes. FML [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Thieves confuse cops with zombies, throwing chainsaws at them from the getaway car. With dash-cam video goodness [Scary]

Saturday 4 October 21:08:11 UTC 2014

Scary [link] [22 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » CDC officials have rushed to Newark Airport after a passenger 'showed symptoms of Ebola' [Scary]

Saturday 4 October 20:51:16 UTC 2014

Scary [link] [218 comments] [Link]

FMyLife »  cuteloser says FML

Saturday 4 October 20:36:22 UTC 2014

Today, I thought I would be cute for my 1 year anniversary with my girlfriend so I cooked a three course meal for her with candles and rose petals on the floor. She loved the dinner, except now she's passed out in a food coma upstairs while I'm left with the dishes. FML [Link]

Fark.com RSS » 600 lb woman's dream is to find a man to help her pile on more weight (not safe for lunch) [Sad]

Saturday 4 October 20:23:05 UTC 2014

Sad [link] [142 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » What would you do if your cell phone began receiving texts from the future? [Strange]

Saturday 4 October 20:22:57 UTC 2014

Strange [link] [70 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Domino's Pizza is not only better-tasting than Pizza Hut, but it's also a better value. Though to be fair, it's not like either sells Chicago-style casserole [Obvious]

Saturday 4 October 20:01:01 UTC 2014

Obvious [link] [164 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Photoshop this romantic tranquility [Photoshop]

Saturday 4 October 20:00:01 UTC 2014

Photoshop [link] [16 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » The Lost Plane News Network renews MH370 for another season [Sad]

Saturday 4 October 19:47:54 UTC 2014

Sad [link] [25 comments] [Link]

Weird Universe » Save The History

Saturday 4 October 19:46:41 UTC 2014


Built in 447 BC, the Parthenon sits on the Acropolis in the center of Athens Greece. Unfortunately it is in danger due to decay of the Acropolis. Repairs are being attempted, all the best of luck in that endeavor. It would be a tragedy to lose such a great piece of history. [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Teenager accused of murdering someone in a drive-by shooting on a moped demands to be tried in juvenile court, since no self-respecting adult would be caught dead on one [Dumbass]

Saturday 4 October 19:41:53 UTC 2014

Dumbass [link] [54 comments] [Link]

FMyLife » Anonymous says FML

Saturday 4 October 19:11:18 UTC 2014

Today, I tried kissing my boyfriend on the tip of his nose. He sneezed mid-kiss and head butted me. Now there is just an awkward silence. FML [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Marketing legalized marijuana in Colorado. First thing's first, "Cannabrand" has got to go, it's too corporate and makes us sound like a freelance dog food cannery. From here on out we are "The Doobie Sisters" [Interesting]

Saturday 4 October 19:06:57 UTC 2014

Interesting [link] [48 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » ISIS got you down? / Ebola's on the way? / Well, turn that frown upside down / Because today is World Smile Day [Spiffy]

Saturday 4 October 18:08:27 UTC 2014

Spiffy [link] [38 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Today is National Taco Day, and here's a list of all the places giving out free food or cheap deals in celebration of the event. So go and get yourself a Mexican sandwich and join in on the celebration [PSA]

Saturday 4 October 17:56:49 UTC 2014

PSA [link] [54 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Anthony Bourdain labels the Bronx a hipster-free foodie paradise, insists he is not trying to troll hipsters by luring them into hellhole to be beaten and robbed [Spiffy]

Saturday 4 October 17:52:10 UTC 2014

Spiffy [link] [66 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Amazon employees demand to be paid overtime for standing in line after work. Let's see how this works out for them [Unlikely]

Saturday 4 October 17:34:12 UTC 2014

Unlikely [link] [191 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » County Judge Clay Jenkins, the top elected official of Dallas County, visited the Ebola-quarantined family then drove them to an isolated 4 bedroom home donated by another citizen [Followup]

Saturday 4 October 16:51:13 UTC 2014

Followup [link] [60 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Ebola is in line to earn another stamp on her passport as Guinea miners sneak into Mali [Scary]

Saturday 4 October 16:34:05 UTC 2014

Scary [link] [60 comments] [Link]

FMyLife » manymisfortunes says FML

Saturday 4 October 16:02:14 UTC 2014

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have a quickie in the car. We had left a window open so it wasn't too hot, and I was holding onto the edge of the window, fingers hanging over. In the midst of it all, my boyfriend managed to close the window by hitting the button. My finger is broken. FML [Link]

Mental Floss » 8 Lifehacks for Your Big Night Out!

Saturday 4 October 15:40:05 UTC 2014

Having fun is easy, but making a great impression on new pals can be even easier with these delightfully simple lifehacks. [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Archaeologists say the Acropolis in Greece is crumbling and could fall at any time. Just like the government [Sad]

Saturday 4 October 14:42:45 UTC 2014

Sad [link] [77 comments] [Link]

Weird Universe » Business School for Bacteria

Saturday 4 October 13:38:35 UTC 2014

Artist Jonathon Keats is back with a new project. He's opening a business school for bacteria. More details at modernisminc.com.


NEW SAN FRANCISCO CONSULTANCY ROUTS SILICON VALLEY MONOCULTURE WITH BIODIVERSITY
Microbial Associates Announces Complete Executive Training For Bacteria — Microbes Available For Employment At October Launch Event

September 25, 2014 — Creatively stifled by insular hiring practices, and struggling to … [Link]

Mental Floss » What the World's Biggest Tuba Sounds Like

Saturday 4 October 13:30:00 UTC 2014

Carl Fischer Music owns a gigantic 8-foot-tall tuba nicknamed "Big Carl." Big Carl is not a proper tuba, lacking pistons and valves, so perhaps it's more accurate to call this beast an overgrown bugle. In any case, Big Carl is enormous, and in this short video we see Derek Fenstermacher, principal tuba with the New Jersey Symphony Orchestra, give it … [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Mr. Ebola goes to Washington [Repeat]

Saturday 4 October 13:10:58 UTC 2014

Repeat [link] [201 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Photoshop this questionable conduct [Photoshop]

Saturday 4 October 13:00:01 UTC 2014

Photoshop [link] [16 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » The Son of the Lord is now reported to be beardless, repeat, the Son of the Lord is now believed to be beardless [Interesting]

Saturday 4 October 12:55:01 UTC 2014

Interesting [link] [106 comments] [Link]

FMyLife » Anonymous says FML

Saturday 4 October 12:44:55 UTC 2014

Today, I told my mom that once I leave school, I want to join the clergy, and how much it meant to me. Her response: "Never knew you wanted to molest kids so much!" FML [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Heroin deaths on the rise thanks to overprescription of painkillers. But still, it's that devil's weed that's evil [Interesting]

Saturday 4 October 12:30:43 UTC 2014

Interesting [link] [95 comments] [Link]

Mental Floss » Weekend Links: 8 Hours, 24 Sunsets

Saturday 4 October 12:30:00 UTC 2014

A pilot and a photographer teamed up to race the Sun itself around the planet, capturing 24 times zones' worth of sunsets in just 8 hours. * According to one Disney superfan, the animation studio's chronology includes works that span from approximately 65 million BC to at least 23 years into the future, and they've compiled an extremely comprehensive (though … [Link]

Weird Universe » Stayin Alive aka Fight For Your Life

Saturday 4 October 12:08:27 UTC 2014

Surely the re-release of this fine film would help clarify and resolve the fraught state of race relations in the USA today. [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Timmy the cat, who has fangs like a vampire, really doesn't want to suck your blood this Caturday, he can wait until Halloween [Caturday]

Saturday 4 October 12:00:00 UTC 2014

Caturday [link] [572 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Bouncing a $30 check for school lunches? That will be $800, please [Fail]

Saturday 4 October 11:01:24 UTC 2014

Fail [link] [204 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Doctor to expectant mom and husband: You might want to lay down for this news, you're having two, TWO sets of identical twins. Just a mere 1 in 70 million occurrence [Weird]

Saturday 4 October 10:45:20 UTC 2014

Weird [link] [62 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Mississippi woman accused of burglarizing cars at a high school claims she was looking for members of ISIS. Our country could use a few more patriots like her [Unlikely]

Saturday 4 October 9:15:00 UTC 2014

Unlikely [link] [50 comments] [Link]

FMyLife » Disappointed says FML

Saturday 4 October 9:08:12 UTC 2014

Today, my teenage daughter asked me to buy her the morning after pill, saying "It's for my acne." FML [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Check out this 1978 AMC Pacer restomod – the pace car of the apocalypse [Cool]

Saturday 4 October 7:06:00 UTC 2014

Cool [link] [86 comments] [Link]

Futility Closet » Close Quarters

Saturday 4 October 6:30:47 UTC 2014

Image: Wikimedia Commons John Wilkes Booth attended Abraham Lincoln’s second inaugural address. He told a friend, “What an excellent chance I had to kill the president, if I had wished!” [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Remember the Alabama school that used a schoolgirl as bait to catch a rapist? Official court documents show the sting was even more disgusting than you originally thought [Followup]

Saturday 4 October 4:48:00 UTC 2014

Followup [link] [255 comments] [Link]

FMyLife » Anonymous says FML

Saturday 4 October 4:14:10 UTC 2014

Today, I horribly lost a game of basketball against my dad. It wouldn't have been so humiliating if he hadn't been piss drunk at the time. FML [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Rovio announces 130 jobs to be cut. In other news, it took 130 people to write "Angry Birds"— sounds like a lot of green pigs at the trough [Obvious]

Saturday 4 October 3:44:23 UTC 2014

Obvious [link] [46 comments] [Link]

FMyLife » hopeless says FML

Saturday 4 October 3:13:40 UTC 2014

Today, a customer was looking for some decking materials. I took her around the store and pointed out some nice plywood, noting that it's also fire-retardant, which might interest her. She got pissed off and bitched me out for supposedly calling her a retard. FML [Link]

FMyLife » Anonymous says FML

Saturday 4 October 2:43:35 UTC 2014

Today, I overheard my brother telling his friend that having sex with a girl who's on the pill gives the guy female hormones and "turns you into like, half-chick, half-dude." He was serious. How am I related to this moron? FML [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Marriott apologizes after being fined by FCC for blocking customer wifi so they would be forced to buy it from hotel. Just kidding…they claim they were "protecting" customers from "insidious cyber-attacks" [Dumbass]

Saturday 4 October 1:46:43 UTC 2014

Dumbass [link] [115 comments] [Link]

Mental Floss » WWI Centennial: Battle of Arras

Saturday 4 October 1:30:22 UTC 2014

Wikimedia Commons The First World War was an unprecedented catastrophe that shaped our modern world. Erik Sass is covering the events of the war exactly 100 years after they happened. This is the 147th installment in the series. October 1-6, 1914: Battle of Arras Following the Battles of Picardy and Albert in late September 1914, as October began German and … [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Tired of Ebola stealing all of the headlines, ISIS beheads another hostage [Sad]

Saturday 4 October 1:13:38 UTC 2014

Sad [link] [264 comments] [Link]

Mental Floss » What's The Science Behind Caffeinating Cocktails?

Saturday 4 October 1:04:43 UTC 2014

As a bartender at a coffee shop/bar hybrid, I’m often asked to mix coffee and booze. Most of the time, it tastes good, but just don’t ask me to reuse your cooled-off partial cup of coffee—it’s a health code violation on soooo many levels. Mixing caffeine and alcohol isn't new, but the process has garnered a lot of attention as … [Link]

Fark.com RSS » This week's possibly racist and probably soft-core S&M pics come courtesy of the girls of Zeta Tau Alpha at Texas Tech [Silly]

Saturday 4 October 0:59:24 UTC 2014

Silly [link] [103 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Monkey Jesus face appears in Japanese roll cake [Amusing]

Saturday 4 October 0:40:05 UTC 2014

Amusing [link] [30 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » What happens in storage unit #4 at 1397 Myrtle Avenue, Brooklyn stays in storage unit #4 at 1397 Myrtle Avenue, Brooklyn. But it's streamed online via webcam while it happens [Strange]

Saturday 4 October 0:05:20 UTC 2014

Strange [link] [53 comments] [Link]

Mental Floss » 11 Stops on the Ultimate American Dinosaur Tour

Saturday 4 October 0:03:30 UTC 2014

American dinosaur fans may be the world’s luckiest. If you’re willing to pack your bag and fasten your seatbelt, you can take in a true bounty of Mesozoic attractions without leaving the continent. 1. Denver Museum of Nature & Science – Denver This mile-high gem features a magnificent paleontology hall… and quite possibly the most unusual T. rex mount you’ll … [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Photoshop this chopper [Photoshop]

Saturday 4 October 0:00:01 UTC 2014

Photoshop [link] [7 comments] [Link]

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