John Gordon Ross

A Man for All Reasons

John Gordon Ross header image 3

Whittle It a Little, It’ll Fit

Odds and sods I look at regularly, just because they amuse me. I hope they do the same for you. Incidentally, I found this page’s title on Greg Ross’s Futility Closet (it’s somewhere on this page) in a mini-article which also includes the delightful sentence in Icelandic: Barbara Ara bar Ara araba bara rabbabara. Ross points out that this, “besides being fun to say, is spelled with only three letters. It means “Barbara, daughter of Ari, brought only rhubarb to Ari the Arab.”

FMyLife » me says FML

Saturday 14 June 23:28:44 UTC 2014

Today, I found out that the guy who asked me out only did so because he thought I "looked rich." He broke everything off once he found out I live in a one-bedroom apartment and drive a 14-year old Volvo. FML [Link]

Fark.com RSS » It's harder to work at an Arkansas P.F. Chang's than it is for NASA [Silly]

Saturday 14 June 22:31:17 UTC 2014

Silly [link] [80 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » If you consider college costs and ignore the terrible drivers, permanent Democratic majority, omnipresent traffic cameras, Baltimore, suburban sprawl, traffic congestion, and stratospheric taxes, then Maryland is totally the best state in the union [

Saturday 14 June 21:18:46 UTC 2014

Unlikely [link] [114 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » If Baghdad falls, today's gas prices will "look like a bargain in a couple weeks". Happy vacation season, everyone [Scary]

Saturday 14 June 21:01:43 UTC 2014

Scary [link] [258 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Sovereign Citizen about to find out if yelling "man overboard" or complaining about fringe on the flag will get him out of his murder trial [Scary]

Saturday 14 June 20:59:45 UTC 2014

Scary [link] [108 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » George Bush makes move to rescue Iraq [Ironic]

Saturday 14 June 20:32:41 UTC 2014

Ironic [link] [62 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Nearly half of U.S. House of Representative wiped out in one massive highway incident. Nobody inconsolable [Scary]

Saturday 14 June 20:07:19 UTC 2014

Scary [link] [55 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » The Florida Responsibility Paradox: If a mother forgets her child at daycare, and the daycare forgets the child is there and locks up for the night, who's to blame? [Florida]

Saturday 14 June 20:04:14 UTC 2014

Florida [link] [35 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Photoshop this motorcyclist [Photoshop]

Saturday 14 June 20:00:01 UTC 2014

Photoshop [link] [21 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Woman charged with making decimal system dewy [Dumbass]

Saturday 14 June 19:55:26 UTC 2014

Dumbass [link] [37 comments] [Link]

FMyLife » BBeffedmylife says FML

Saturday 14 June 18:36:25 UTC 2014

Today, I collected a package from a handsome UPS guy. We exchanged smiles, and he even noticeably checked me out. I was feeling really confident for the first time in a while. Then I went inside and saw that I had two huge breastmilk spots on my chest. FML [Link]

FMyLife » Anonymous says FML

Saturday 14 June 18:36:24 UTC 2014

Today, after scolding my son for using my work computer to look up pornographic videos, my wife confessed in private that it was in fact she who had done it. She was too embarrassed to say anything sooner. FML [Link]

FMyLife » Anonymous says FML

Saturday 14 June 18:36:22 UTC 2014

Today, my older brother managed to convince my younger sister that she's actually a boy, and that she'll soon be getting a penis in the mail, which she excitedly told everyone she could. He convinced me of the exact same thing as well several years ago. FML [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Only 5? [Obvious]

Saturday 14 June 17:57:16 UTC 2014

Obvious [link] [226 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Not news: Vandal sprays walls of police station with 'DUMB COPS' and 'KINGY BOYZ RULE' graffiti before fleeing on child's scooter. Fark: Suspect is 63 years old [Strange]

Saturday 14 June 17:48:28 UTC 2014

Strange [link] [27 comments] [Link]

FMyLife » Anonymous says FML

Saturday 14 June 17:41:36 UTC 2014

Today, my mom found out that I've been having counselling behind her back for the past 4 years. I broke down in tears explaining everything. Her response was, "So you go and bitch about me behind my back?!" And she wonders why I'm depressed. FML [Link]

Fark.com RSS » For cops, punching a hippie is like winning the lottery. The $120,000 a year for the rest of your life lottery [Followup]

Saturday 14 June 16:07:06 UTC 2014

Followup [link] [124 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Florida Department of Citrus set to introduce a new mascot, Captain Citrus. They were originally going to call him The Big Orange Fruit, but were afraid the estate of Liberace would sue for trademark infringement [Florida]

Saturday 14 June 16:04:33 UTC 2014

Florida [link] [32 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Mars ain't the kind of place to send your introverts, in fact it's dull as hell [Obvious]

Saturday 14 June 16:02:26 UTC 2014

Obvious [link] [47 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Mother arrested on Federal kidnapping charges after she absconded with her 2 year-old daughter to avoid sending her to preschool and having her vaccinated [Florida]

Saturday 14 June 15:58:49 UTC 2014

Florida [link] [137 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » 7th Circuit Court unanimously rules Indiana prison cannot place prisoner in solitary confinement for doing what Indiana prison ordered him to do [Obvious]

Saturday 14 June 15:57:03 UTC 2014

Obvious [link] [54 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Thief pours acid on an ATM to crack it open. Police shocked by such a baseless attempt at robbery [Fail]

Saturday 14 June 15:41:38 UTC 2014

Fail [link] [31 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Here's what redheads really look like, FARKers. Your pics of blondes and brunettes who found a dye bottle are a lie. Redheads are actually either quite plain or unfortunate looking. LOOK UPON THE TRUTH AND WEEP [Interesting]

Saturday 14 June 15:40:31 UTC 2014

Interesting [link] [248 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » If your rave buddy drinks alloy wheel cleaner for a quick high and ends up dead, do you c) memorialize him by drinking alloy wheel cleaner for a quick high in his memory and ending up dead? [Dumbass]

Saturday 14 June 15:36:44 UTC 2014

Dumbass [link] [53 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Judge decides that controversial milk farmer got a raw deal and lets him off easy [Interesting]

Saturday 14 June 15:35:10 UTC 2014

Interesting [link] [12 comments] [Link]

Weird Universe » The women rat-catchers of World War II

Saturday 14 June 15:33:57 UTC 2014

During World War II, rat catching was one of the traditionally male jobs that was taken over by women. At least in the UK. I like the part of this article that details the "grim satisfaction" the women got from smashing rats with shovels:

The anti-rat workers have had some peculiar first reactions on meeting their adversaries. One, seeing her … [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Problem: the word "hero" is overused. Solution: borrow the word "superheld" from German and use it to describe real heroic people. Real superheld dead from cancer [Sad]

Saturday 14 June 15:31:25 UTC 2014

Sad [link] [31 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Chicagoans celebrate Father's Day weekend by shooting fifteen people in twelve hours [Scary]

Saturday 14 June 15:23:55 UTC 2014

Scary [link] [59 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Polish man keeps lawnmower on the balcony in case it gets stolen. Did I say lawnmower? Sorry, I meant horse [Strange]

Saturday 14 June 14:53:53 UTC 2014

Strange [link] [12 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Another Ariel Castro. This time it's in Florida [Florida]

Saturday 14 June 14:38:23 UTC 2014

Florida [link] [34 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » "The perfect wedding doesn't exist. Stop spending so much money and enjoy the party" [Obvious]

Saturday 14 June 14:37:01 UTC 2014

Obvious [link] [60 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » FBI on the lookout for the "Vampire Trucker" who used fake teeth to appear like a vampire and sometimes filed his victims' teeth [Weird]

Saturday 14 June 14:36:29 UTC 2014

Weird [link] [18 comments] [Link]

Mental Floss » Weekend Links: Peanut Butter and Clam Pizza

Saturday 14 June 14:30:00 UTC 2014

What was up with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' terrible taste in pizza toppings, anyway? Hold the marshmallows, please. * The idea that a human being could, at any time and for no apparent reason, spontaneously combust is terrifying. How does that even work? * Calvin and Hobbes comic artist Bill Watterson emerged from his years-long reclusion earlier this week. … [Link]

Mental Floss » How 'Jurassic Park' Chose CGI Over Stop-Motion

Saturday 14 June 13:57:43 UTC 2014

The movie Jurassic Park premiered 21 years ago this week. But when pre-production began, the plan was to use stop-motion animation for the dinosaurs. Here's the surprising story of how a handful of maverick computer graphics pioneers at Industrial Light & Magic changed the movie's course—and ushered in a new era* of movie history. Enjoy: See also: Making Dinosaur Sounds … [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Feminists to protest tech company who advertised for a "Girl Friday." I agree on how that is offensive… a man could do that job just as well as a woman. Where's the equality? [Stupid]

Saturday 14 June 13:25:37 UTC 2014

Stupid [link] [255 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Subby's friend and mentor is finally recognized for his actions. Let's give a Boy Scout and a Navy salute to Chip Zawislak [Hero]

Saturday 14 June 13:23:30 UTC 2014

Hero [link] [30 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Cougar hides in Mountain View neighborhood for nine hours. Young men urged to be cautious in case it returns [Scary]

Saturday 14 June 13:15:40 UTC 2014

Scary [link] [32 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Photoshop this chase [Photoshop]

Saturday 14 June 13:00:01 UTC 2014

Photoshop [link] [14 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » We stigmatize drivers who are drunk, drivers who text, drivers who are high–so why don't we stigmatize drivers who are sleepy? [Interesting]

Saturday 14 June 12:55:50 UTC 2014

Interesting [link] [121 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Marriage fraud charges dropped after Federal agents find couple sleeping in bed together [Florida]

Saturday 14 June 12:53:51 UTC 2014

Florida [link] [40 comments] [Link]

Mental Floss » A Brief History of Flag Day

Saturday 14 June 12:53:49 UTC 2014

Ingloriously crammed between the summer’s other two big holidays – that would be Memorial Day and Labor Day – Flag Day doesn’t tend to get much respect. Perhaps things would be different if we got the day off, or if there was any kind of actual glamour surrounding the holiday, perhaps the advent of a signature Flag Day snack or … [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Chinese spies infiltrate Iowa [Scary]

Saturday 14 June 12:25:28 UTC 2014

Scary [link] [13 comments] [Link]

Weird Universe » Dana Michel

Saturday 14 June 12:20:45 UTC 2014

Yes, it appears this "dance" is performed with clown nose and ripped panties around the ankles. But why not get the explanation of her "art" direct from the horse's mouth?

[Link]

Fark.com RSS » Portland attack cat featured on "My Cat from Hell"…it's not all warm and fuzzy [Caturday]

Saturday 14 June 12:00:00 UTC 2014

Caturday [link] [601 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » San Mateo County, CA. announces first sighting of endangered California Condor since 1904. County wildlife officials promise the public they will do everything in their power to kill the bird once again [Spiffy]

Saturday 14 June 11:50:19 UTC 2014

Spiffy [link] [23 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Man brings a shovel to a chainsaw fight, survives [Scary]

Saturday 14 June 11:35:51 UTC 2014

Scary [link] [26 comments] [Link]

FMyLife » -_- says FML

Saturday 14 June 9:42:47 UTC 2014

Today, I was confiding in my dad over the phone, after I caught my girlfriend cheating on me. After I hung up and went online, I noticed he'd been live-blogging the whole call on Facebook and commenting that he was considering suicide to escape the boredom. FML [Link]

FMyLife » Anonymous says FML

Saturday 14 June 9:42:46 UTC 2014

Today, I was out shopping with my mom. While we were walking, a guy in a car honked at me. I'm not used to compliments, so I was pretty flattered and flashed him a smile. He looked back at me, confused, then shook his head and pointed at my mom. FML [Link]

Fark.com RSS » "So there are potholes all over Chicago….let's make art out of them" [Cool]

Saturday 14 June 9:30:22 UTC 2014

Cool [link] [17 comments] [Link]

FMyLife » Little Miss Fucket says FML

Saturday 14 June 7:08:11 UTC 2014

Today, I found out my husband has a fake Facebook account that he uses to add guys and live a double life as some kind of "gamer chick". This would be disturbing enough, even if he hadn't used pictures of me to give a face to his alter ego. FML [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Chicago man charged for driving around on a beautiful summer's evening with: (A) his music playing too loud, (B) his muffler dragging on the pavement, (C) his pants off, (D) him pleasuring himself. (Choose two) [Fail]

Saturday 14 June 7:04:09 UTC 2014

Fail [link] [28 comments] [Link]

Futility Closet » A New Commute

Saturday 14 June 6:19:03 UTC 2014

In 1914, Russian physicist Boris Weinberg proposed an electromagnetic vacuum train that could move an individual passenger from New York to San Francisco in half a day. Reasoning that air resistance and friction are the greatest enemies to speed, Weinberg envisioned using electromagnets to suspend a car in a tube from which the air had been partially exhausted. An individual … [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Do animals have sex for pleasure? (Their pleasure, not the researchers') [Interesting]

Saturday 14 June 6:12:12 UTC 2014

Interesting [link] [100 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Neiman-Marcus posts 3Q loss as sales of $1.7-million winged submarines and $400,000 his and her robots unexpectedly decline [Fail]

Saturday 14 June 5:37:18 UTC 2014

Fail [link] [35 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » The Ukrainian Defense Ministry says that pro-Russian separatists have shot down a large military transport plane [News]

Saturday 14 June 5:29:50 UTC 2014

News [link] [245 comments] [Link]

FMyLife » sunil says FML

Saturday 14 June 5:23:54 UTC 2014

Today, my 8-year-old son microwaved his pet hamster. FML [Link]

FMyLife » Anonymous says FML

Saturday 14 June 4:36:37 UTC 2014

Today, at my mother's open-casket funeral, my sister-in-law went to pay her respects. As she stood in front of the body, she coughed, muttering "bitch" in the process. Either nobody else noticed or nobody cared, and she went on her way, noticeably not choked up at all. FML [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Sleeping bag? Check. Flashlight? Check. Bottle of acid to throw on other campers who make you mad? Check [Scary]

Saturday 14 June 3:22:11 UTC 2014

Scary [link] [64 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » "My name is Talky Tina and I'm going to kill you" [Unlikely]

Saturday 14 June 3:19:06 UTC 2014

Unlikely [link] [69 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Introducing the first café that caters to people with Alzheimer's, where there's always something new on the menu [Obvious]

Saturday 14 June 3:03:19 UTC 2014

Obvious [link] [31 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Bad: 911 dispatcher tells rape victim to "Quit crying." Worse: The dispatcher won't face a reprimand [Asinine]

Saturday 14 June 2:35:24 UTC 2014

Asinine [link] [93 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Thank you for calling 911. Please leave a message and a representative will collect your corpse as soon as possible [Florida]

Saturday 14 June 2:33:15 UTC 2014

Florida [link] [18 comments] [Link]

Mental Floss » WWI Centennial: Franz Ferdinand Wants Peace in the Balkans

Saturday 14 June 2:30:00 UTC 2014

Wikimedia Commons The First World War was an unprecedented catastrophe that killed millions and set the continent of Europe on the path to further calamity two decades later. But it didn’t come out of nowhere. With the centennial of the outbreak of hostilities coming up in August, Erik Sass will be looking back at the lead-up to the war, when … [Link]

Fark.com RSS » So just how did 800 ISIS terrorists armed with pickups and small arms defeat 30,000 US trained and equipped Iraqi troops? [Scary]

Saturday 14 June 2:19:04 UTC 2014

Scary [link] [228 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » For those of you who are new to our country: it may come as a surprise, but the IRS will not call you at home and threaten to deport you as a way to get you to load money onto Home Depot gift cards [PSA]

Saturday 14 June 2:15:14 UTC 2014

PSA [link] [25 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » For anyone who doubts American exceptionalism: meet the guy who built a 300 ft. slip-n'-slide using his mother's garden tools [Cool]

Saturday 14 June 1:17:22 UTC 2014

Cool [link] [22 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » To the left, 13 things you should never put in a microwave. To the right, other observations [PSA]

Saturday 14 June 1:14:02 UTC 2014

PSA [link] [116 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Fund to help Chef "Sav" raises $50,000 in 36 hours [Followup]

Saturday 14 June 1:05:14 UTC 2014

Followup [link] [25 comments] [Link]

FMyLife » green and not with envy says FML

Saturday 14 June 0:17:49 UTC 2014

Today, my dad called me into the bathroom, saying "Get a load of this shit, son" and forcing me to look at the biggest, foulest-smelling turd I have ever seen in my life in the toilet. It's been three hours and I still feel physically ill. FML [Link]

FMyLife » Anonymous says FML

Saturday 14 June 0:17:48 UTC 2014

Today, I confronted my girlfriend over how she and a male friend have been going out together, drinking and partying, and at one point holding hands in the street. She angrily accused ME of cheating, because "confronting people like that" is apparently something only cheaters themselves do. FML [Link]

Mental Floss » 9 Delightful Recipes From the 1950s You Should Make with Your Kids Today

Saturday 14 June 0:11:15 UTC 2014

Have you ever been accused of gulping down a meal so fast you were consuming your food "like it was going out of style"? Well, keep gulping, because food does go out of style. But let's not overlook the dishes of decades past, because they offer some delightful lessons. In 1957, for instance, Betty Crocker's Cook Book for Boys and … [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Photoshop this kiosk yawn [Photoshop]

Saturday 14 June 0:00:01 UTC 2014

Photoshop [link] [16 comments] [Link]

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