John Gordon Ross

A Man for All Reasons

John Gordon Ross header image 3

Whittle It a Little, It’ll Fit

Odds and sods I look at regularly, just because they amuse me. I hope they do the same for you. Incidentally, I found this page’s title on Greg Ross’s Futility Closet (it’s somewhere on this page) in a mini-article which also includes the delightful sentence in Icelandic: Barbara Ara bar Ara araba bara rabbabara. Ross points out that this, “besides being fun to say, is spelled with only three letters. It means “Barbara, daughter of Ari, brought only rhubarb to Ari the Arab.” RSS » And the award for Most Inappropriate Parking Space goes to…School-bus in front of Porn Store, let's have a round of applause [Dumbass]

Sunday 1 April 23:48:46 UTC 2012

Dumbass [link] [83 comments] [Link] RSS » Wanna know what driving a NYC cab was like back in 1945? Ask Johnnie Footman, he started driving cabs in 1945. Fark: You can talk to him in the back of his cab because he's still driving cabs in NYC [Spiffy]

Sunday 1 April 23:24:54 UTC 2012

Spiffy [link] [61 comments] [Link] RSS » Apparently, SC state troopers get pretty grumpy and vengeful when you try to protest the traffic tickets they give you [Asinine]

Sunday 1 April 22:28:11 UTC 2012

Asinine [link] [150 comments] [Link]

The Onion » TV Listings: Cupcake Truce

Sunday 1 April 22:00:00 UTC 2012

Food 8:30 p.m. EST/7:30 p.m. CST Years of devastation come to an end as mediators negotiate a treaty between Melinda Scott of Twinkle Cupcakes and Jessica Hammerman of Sprinkles. [Link] RSS » 72 years of confidentiality expires; 1940 census records released, including for 21 million still alive. Top that, Visa and Mastercard, with your relatively small security breaches and data compromises [Interesting]

Sunday 1 April 21:38:13 UTC 2012

Interesting [link] [112 comments] [Link] RSS » Taco Mac shows how to alter a customer's receipt without saying something insulting [Amusing]

Sunday 1 April 21:09:53 UTC 2012

Amusing [link] [90 comments] [Link] RSS » Perhaps it's better she became a nun instead of continuing to teach high school science [Interesting]

Sunday 1 April 21:06:10 UTC 2012

Interesting [link] [75 comments] [Link]

The Onion » Cowboys, Redskins Penalized An Additional $10 Million In Cap Space For Whatever Owners Are Planning To Do To Get Around The Cap

Sunday 1 April 21:00:00 UTC 2012

Cowboys, Redskins Penalized An Additional $10 Million In Cap Space For Whatever Owners Are Planning To Do To Get Around The Cap [Link] RSS » Food carts today may sell more than hot dogs, reports Ric Romero in conjunction with woman eagerly awaiting Olive Garden in town [Obvious]

Sunday 1 April 20:47:09 UTC 2012

Obvious [link] [43 comments] [Link]

The Onion » WEDDINGS: Todd Bishop And Nicole Soper

Sunday 1 April 20:45:00 UTC 2012

Todd Bishop And Nicole Soper [Link] RSS » In related news, Colorado Springs is in the midst of a burger war [Silly]

Sunday 1 April 20:01:09 UTC 2012

Silly [link] [79 comments] [Link] RSS » Photoshop Theme: Latte Art [Photoshop]

Sunday 1 April 20:00:01 UTC 2012

Photoshop [link] [20 comments] [Link] RSS » 43 year old police officer has gun license revoked after state officials unseal juvenile record and learn he committed crime when he was 15 [Interesting]

Sunday 1 April 19:39:52 UTC 2012

Interesting [link] [121 comments] [Link] RSS » We're not paying enough attention to Attention Deficit and Hyperact… HEY LOOK, HELICOPTER… COOL [Silly]

Sunday 1 April 19:34:47 UTC 2012

Silly [link] [56 comments] [Link]

The Onion » PALM BEACH, FL—Joyce D'jeandominico was just so thrilled they spelled her name correctly on the envelope that she went ahead and activated the enclosed JCPenney rewards card.

Sunday 1 April 19:30:00 UTC 2012

PALM BEACH, FL—Joyce D'jeandominico was just so thrilled they spelled her name correctly on the envelope that she went ahead and activated the enclosed JCPenney rewards card. [Link] RSS » Not news: Cop turns on emergency lights and siren. Fark: Drivers notice and pull over to the side of the road to let the police car pass safely by [Unlikely]

Sunday 1 April 19:00:55 UTC 2012

Unlikely [link] [139 comments] [Link] RSS » Mmmmmm, deviled Cadbury creme eggs and 12 other creme egg recipes [Cool]

Sunday 1 April 18:54:49 UTC 2012

Cool [link] [46 comments] [Link] RSS » Joey, have you ever been to a Turkish bath? [Silly]

Sunday 1 April 18:40:46 UTC 2012

Silly [link] [46 comments] [Link] RSS » The unseasonably warm weather has one small Iowa town fearing its annual Tulip Festival may get canceled because of premature blooming. But they have a solution: spray the plants with whiskey to delay the process [Cool]

Sunday 1 April 18:37:50 UTC 2012

Cool [link] [30 comments] [Link]

Futility Closet » Unquote

Sunday 1 April 18:24:09 UTC 2012

“Nothing is so silly as the expression of a man who is being complimented.” — André Gide [Link] RSS » Ugly ass baby aardvark born at Busch Gardens. Awww, how cu-KILL IT WITH FIRE [Florida]

Sunday 1 April 18:05:59 UTC 2012

Florida [link] [57 comments] [Link] RSS » We're gonna need a bigger boat [Scary]

Sunday 1 April 18:02:48 UTC 2012

Scary [link] [32 comments] [Link]

The Onion » Buster Posey Wearing Swim Trunks In Giants Shower

Sunday 1 April 18:00:00 UTC 2012

Buster Posey Wearing Swim Trunks In Giants Shower [Link]

FMyLife » Jeff make says FML

Sunday 1 April 17:56:38 UTC 2012

Today, I called my girlfriend saying "I think we need to break up." She said "No, I don't think so," and hung up. FML [Link]

FMyLife » Anonymous says FML

Sunday 1 April 17:56:37 UTC 2012

Today, I offered an elderly man my seat on the train. He thanked me by winking and offering me a seat on his lap. FML [Link]

FMyLife » uniquechic21 says FML

Sunday 1 April 17:56:35 UTC 2012

Today, I finally figured out why I've been getting sick so much. My inhaler suppresses my immune system. Now I get to choose between staying well or breathing. FML [Link]

FMyLife » oooooopss says FML

Sunday 1 April 17:56:34 UTC 2012

Today, I got into my car and it wouldn't start. I noticed I had left the lights on and assumed the battery was dead. Then, I couldn't get my key out of the ignition. So, I called AAA only to have the guy put my car in park and start the engine. FML [Link] RSS » Nudists campaigning for beach near the home of Prince William and Kate Middleton to be officially recognized as a nudist beach. However, like most nudists, they are having serious issues with sagging support [Amusing]

Sunday 1 April 17:41:57 UTC 2012

Amusing [link] [52 comments] [Link] RSS » Gary Larson has a $5,000 deductible insurance plan, but has found that his medical bills are cheaper if he claims he's uninsured, pays cash, and his cows are bipedal [Interesting]

Sunday 1 April 17:08:53 UTC 2012

Interesting [link] [303 comments] [Link]

The Onion » Jets Worry Tim Tebow Will Be Distracted By Wild New York Churchlife

Sunday 1 April 17:00:00 UTC 2012

NEW YORK—Despite an obvious display of enthusiasm for Tim Tebow's arrival at his introductory press conference Monday, the New York Jets admitted this week to concerns he may become distracted by the city's wild churchlife. [Link] RSS » If you are one of the dozens of people who eat chicken apple sausage, you may want to look at the label, as a company is recalling 26,000 pounds of the disgusting product [PSA]

Sunday 1 April 16:41:52 UTC 2012

PSA [link] [42 comments] [Link]

The Onion » Apartment Returns To Pre-Houseguest Level Of Tension

Sunday 1 April 16:30:00 UTC 2012

COLUMBUS, OH—With the Sunday afternoon departure of friends visiting from Chicago for the weekend, the apartment of Gary and Felicia Mylan ceased being a warm, open household and returned to its normal atmosphere of icy resentment. [Link] RSS » New York medical examiners deny losing woman's brain, explaining that it was just mislabeled "Abby" something [Obvious]

Sunday 1 April 16:25:58 UTC 2012

Obvious [link] [44 comments] [Link] RSS » The scientific reason why your wife won't sleep with you [Interesting]

Sunday 1 April 16:24:58 UTC 2012

Interesting [link] [111 comments] [Link] RSS » Tracking for cops is big business for cellphone companies. A menu of "surveillance fees" is marketed to cops that determine a suspect's location, trace phone calls and texts and provide other classified services [Scary]

Sunday 1 April 16:03:56 UTC 2012

Scary [link] [61 comments] [Link]

Mental Floss » Weekend Links: Can You Build a Human Body?

Sunday 1 April 15:56:12 UTC 2012

Robot Revolution / Cylon update: under the category of bionics / Dr Frankenstein, “Can you build a human body?”
An addicting little game that you should be able to figure out most of the rules for yourself (there are some I still don’t understand, but oh well!) I have no idea how many levels there are, I played to … [Link] RSS » She deprived her of dinner one night after learning that Bea had consumed "nearly 800 calories" of Brie, filet mignon, baguette and chocolate at a French Heritage Day event at school [Amusing]

Sunday 1 April 15:41:49 UTC 2012

Amusing [link] [173 comments] [Link]

FMyLife » BigBangCheater says FML

Sunday 1 April 15:38:26 UTC 2012

Today, I had my first free night in months. I spent it doing homework and watching TV. I had set my Facebook status to say I was spending time with the boys from The Big Bang Theory, then fell asleep. I woke up later to an angry text from my boyfriend thinking I was cheating on him. FML [Link] RSS » "Colombian congress debates new bill that decriminalizes cocaine and marijuana cultivation." Another sign the War on Drugs is succeeding…wait, what? [Spiffy]

Sunday 1 April 15:26:21 UTC 2012

Spiffy [link] [84 comments] [Link]

<title>Weird Universe » Robot Bass Player

Sunday 1 April 15:16:07 UTC 2012

More info and another video to be found here.

Comments [Link]

The Onion » Bluegrass Band Gets Under Porch Again

Sunday 1 April 15:15:00 UTC 2012

Bluegrass Band Gets Under Porch Again [Link] RSS » 55% of employees surveyed say they are more productive when they work at home. 75% of bosses say "bullshiat" [Obvious]

Sunday 1 April 15:02:46 UTC 2012

Obvious [link] [126 comments] [Link]

The Onion » Report: Majority Of Instances Of People Getting Lives Back On Track Occur Immediately After Visit To Buffalo Wild Wings

Sunday 1 April 14:32:13 UTC 2012

SEATTLE—According to a University of Washington report published Friday, more than two-thirds of major lifestyle reassessments take place after exiting a Buffalo Wild Wings franchise. [Link] RSS » Iowans can thank the jet stream for their outstanding spring weather; contrails for the mysterious tumors in their lungs [Ironic]

Sunday 1 April 14:29:48 UTC 2012

Ironic [link] [43 comments] [Link] RSS » Antibiotics are making you fat, which explains how Jenny McCarthy can stay so slim even this late into her 30s [Unlikely]

Sunday 1 April 14:18:47 UTC 2012

Unlikely [link] [88 comments] [Link] » 10 Funniest Literal Cake Jobs

Sunday 1 April 13:55:10 UTC 2012

At least all of these bakers can add “good following exact orders” to their résumés. [Link] RSS » The coolest pictures of 'Sweeps, nomads, quacks and crawlers' from 1870's London you'll see all day [Interesting]

Sunday 1 April 13:34:44 UTC 2012

Interesting [link] [68 comments] [Link]

Mental Floss » Masterpieces: Marvin Gaye’s What’s Going On

Sunday 1 April 13:14:28 UTC 2012

Only one man could make an album about poverty, drugs, and the Vietnam War sound sexy and soulful. That man was Marvin Gaye, and his vision changed the music industry forever. On the 28th anniversary of his tragic death, let’s look back at What’s Going On. In November 1970, Marvin Gaye brought Motown Records president Berry Gordy a new song he’d … [Link] RSS » Photoshop this driftwood on the beach [Photoshop]

Sunday 1 April 13:00:01 UTC 2012

Photoshop [link] [37 comments] [Link] RSS » For $6,500 a day you can hire Darth Maul's dad to come to your school and bully children [Asinine]

Sunday 1 April 12:29:20 UTC 2012

Asinine [link] [41 comments] [Link] RSS » Caption this entangled man [Caption]

Sunday 1 April 12:29:19 UTC 2012

Caption [link] [20 comments] [Link] RSS » Introducing the YouTube Collection on DVD [Cool]

Sunday 1 April 12:16:33 UTC 2012

Cool [link] [45 comments] [Link] RSS » Just so you know, if you ever walk into a bar with walls covered in one dollar bills that people have tacked up there over the years, you're not allowed to stuff a bunch of them in your pockets to take home as souvenirs for your friends [Florida]

Sunday 1 April 12:10:45 UTC 2012

Florida [link] [33 comments] [Link]

FMyLife » fertilizer says FML

Sunday 1 April 11:56:51 UTC 2012

Today, I thought it would be a beautiful day so I pulled back my curtains. Not only was it dark and gloomy, but a fat, drunk guy was taking a dump on my lawn. FML [Link] RSS » When life imitates the movies: Cop chasing after a suspect yells, "Stop that guy," and a bystander tackles him [Cool]

Sunday 1 April 11:39:47 UTC 2012

Cool [link] [46 comments] [Link] RSS » Jesus Christ, you're not going to escape the police by wading across Lake Superior [Obvious]

Sunday 1 April 11:31:43 UTC 2012

Obvious [link] [31 comments] [Link]

The Onion » Fan On The Street: On Tiger Woods’ Victory At Bay Hill

Sunday 1 April 10:30:00 UTC 2012

On Tiger Woods’ Victory At Bay Hill [Link]

FMyLife » Kristat says FML

Sunday 1 April 10:02:40 UTC 2012

Today, because I was the only manager scheduled, I went into work despite feeling sick to my stomach. While sitting down with a customer, I got the urge to throw up and tried to hold it back. Instead I vomited in my mouth, instinctively swallowed and started choking in front of the customer. FML [Link] RSS » There were over 100 million losers in the MegaMillions drawing. This is their story [Sad]

Sunday 1 April 9:27:00 UTC 2012

Sad [link] [106 comments] [Link]

FMyLife » spanishsucks says FML

Sunday 1 April 8:31:37 UTC 2012

Today, I introduced my mother to my new girlfriend. My mom made a very nasty comment about her in Spanish, not realizing that my girlfriend teaches Spanish at the local school. FML [Link]

FMyLife » whatnow says FML

Sunday 1 April 8:22:21 UTC 2012

Today, I fell asleep on the couch while babysitting. When the kids' parents came home, they made fake crying noises to see if I would wake up. I slept like a baby, and by the time they finally roused me, I'd left a nice drool stain on the armrest. FML [Link] RSS » Not news: Woman has twins. Fark: One from each womb. (w/pics) [Weird]

Sunday 1 April 8:12:51 UTC 2012

Weird [link] [64 comments] [Link] RSS » Kids are cute until age four-and-a-half. Here comes the science, tantrum in the checkout line at Target [Interesting]

Sunday 1 April 6:33:01 UTC 2012

Interesting [link] [120 comments] [Link]

FMyLife » Bashit says FML

Sunday 1 April 6:30:04 UTC 2012

Today, I received a call from the company I applied to, only to have my father pick it up and make fun of the man's accent. They won't call me back or take any of my calls, and my dad is completely unapologetic. FML [Link]

Futility Closet » A Look Ahead

Sunday 1 April 6:03:12 UTC 2012

In 1888 New York journalist David Goodman Croly published Glimpses of the Future, a collection of predictions “to be read now and judged in the year 2000.” Excerpts: “The accumulation of wealth in a few hands, which is steadily going on, will unquestionably lead to a grave agitation which may have vital consequences on the future of the country. I … [Link] RSS » "You can say with reasonable scientific certainty that it's not Zimmerman," say 2 forensic voice experts about who's calling for help in the 911 tape [Followup]

Sunday 1 April 5:30:00 UTC 2012

Followup [link] [1087 comments] [Link]

Mental Floss » He Wanted to Better Understand Hanging, So He Hanged Himself 12 Times

Sunday 1 April 5:07:02 UTC 2012

Gallows image via Shutterstock Hanging is a pretty simple way to kill someone. All you really need is a length of rope, someone who can tie a decent knot, and something from which to hang the victim. If you’re having a fancier execution, you can dress things up with gallows and use the victim’s height and weight to figure out … [Link] RSS » Kansas man buying lottery tickets: "I've got a better chance of getting struck by lightning." Mother Nature takes that bet [Scary]

Sunday 1 April 2:37:05 UTC 2012

Scary [link] [51 comments] [Link] RSS » CNN: "There is no student loan debt crisis." Next up: What's this stupid theory about the sky being blue everyone keeps going on about? [Asinine]

Sunday 1 April 2:04:04 UTC 2012

Asinine [link] [368 comments] [Link] RSS » After decades of snobs dismissing them as too plebeian, more and more wine aficionados are saying screw you to corks [Interesting]

Sunday 1 April 2:02:06 UTC 2012

Interesting [link] [92 comments] [Link] RSS » This is what makes Florida so fun: For only $30 you buy the answers to the written exam you have to pass to get your driver's license. And they're being sold right in front of the driver's license office [Florida]

Sunday 1 April 1:43:11 UTC 2012

Florida [link] [44 comments] [Link] RSS » First they came for the Trekkies, and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a Trekkie [Scary]

Sunday 1 April 1:42:06 UTC 2012

Scary [link] [138 comments] [Link] RSS » You might be lucky if: you fall off your bike in cardiac arrest and three doctors including a cardiologist are riding behind you [Cool]

Sunday 1 April 1:06:09 UTC 2012

Cool [link] [37 comments] [Link] RSS » For those of us that can't be in Las Vegas, we can have our own party with this week's Mugshot Roundup. And it's a good one [Silly]

Sunday 1 April 1:05:05 UTC 2012

Silly [link] [85 comments] [Link]

FMyLife » freakofnature says FML

Sunday 1 April 1:03:40 UTC 2012

Today, I visited my new doctor, hoping that he would be able to figure out the cause of the pains I've been having for years. He told me there's nothing he can do, that half the drugs out there cause cancer anyway and that I should look into homeopathy. Great. FML [Link]

FMyLife » maggie4 says FML

Sunday 1 April 0:58:53 UTC 2012

Today, my husband and I were down to our last few dollars, and we had to choose between buying food or condoms. He tried to convince me that condoms were more important. FML [Link]

<title>Weird Universe » National Cleavage Day 2012

Sunday 1 April 0:57:11 UTC 2012

One for the guys! NSFW

Comments [Link] RSS » Man buried in bogus parking tickets by estranged wife's cop friends will be allowed to sue police officers and city [Followup]

Sunday 1 April 0:42:43 UTC 2012

Followup [link] [71 comments] [Link]


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