Odds and sods I look at regularly, just because they amuse me. I hope they do the same for you. Incidentally, I found this page’s title on Greg Ross’s Futility Closet (it’s somewhere on this page) in a mini-article which also includes the delightful sentence in Icelandic: Barbara Ara bar Ara araba bara rabbabara. Ross points out that this, “besides being fun to say, is spelled with only three letters. It means “Barbara, daughter of Ari, brought only rhubarb to Ari the Arab.”
The Onion » Unsung Heroes: Margerie Hempstead
While watching a young mother struggle with her a child at the local pharmacy, Margerie Hempstead respectfully held herself to a disapproving glare instead of explaining the proper way she would raise a child.
[Link]
FMyLife » Anonymous says FML
Today, my sculpture, which is very important for my art grade, fell from my desk and broke to pieces. My art teacher suggested I soak the parts in water to make it easier to stick them back together. They dissolved. FML [Link]
FMyLife » Anonymous says FML
Today, my girlfriend said I could only take her virginity while I have a flaccid penis, so I won't hurt her. I get hard from just staring at her covered ass. FML [Link]
FMyLife » TheHezzer says FML
Today, I discovered the hard way that all the scare stories I'd heard about rats getting into pipes and finding their way into your toilet are, in fact, true. FML [Link]
FMyLife » GeeTwo says FML
Today, I signed the divorce papers my wife gave me. When I went to bed, she was on the phone talking to her new boyfriend. FML [Link]
Futility Closet » A Niente
I was seriously tormented by the thought of the exhaustibility of musical combinations. The octave consists only of five tones and two semitones, which can be put together in only a limited number of ways, of which but a small proportion are beautiful: most of these, it seemed to me, must have been already discovered, and there could not be … [Link]
FMyLife » Djcc says FML
Today, while my boyfriend and I were watching TV, I asked him if he loved me. He turned up the volume. FML [Link]
The Onion » Stockwatch: Bank of America (BAC)
$7.98 (+$.13) (+1.66%) Shares jumped after Bank of America marketing researchers finally found some fees their customers love.
[Link]
Mental Floss » 20% Off Sale!
Through 11:59 p.m. EST tonight, enjoy 20% off all regularly priced items* in the mental_floss store when you use the code 20BYGEORGE.
*Excludes magazine subscriptions, package deals, and clearance items. Take 20% off presidential products like our Constitution T-shirt, presidential bookmarks, and History of the United States book. You can also take 20% off new products, like the “My Patronus … [Link]
Mental Floss » Contest Winners: Cowboy Facts!
Last week, we asked you to tell us one amazing fact about cowboys, salad dressing, or toys. You shared a wide variety of toy tidbits, salad dressing history, and cowboy lore, from which we’ve picked our two favorites… The Winning Entries: A 10 gallon hat doesn’t actually hold anywhere near 10 gallons. The word “gallon” is a bastardization of “galon” [Spanish] … [Link]
The Onion » Conversation Successfully Completed Without Single Mention Of Netflix Queue
Conversation Successfully Completed Without Single Mention Of Netflix Queue
[Link]
Fark.com RSS » Angel resembling Olivia Newton-John instructs man to grease co-worker's husband [Unlikely]
[link] [87 comments] [Link]
Fark.com RSS » Next up on the hipster agenda: raising goats in the city [Stupid]
[link] [201 comments] [Link]
Fark.com RSS » Photoshop Theme: This bud's for you [Photoshop]
[link] [18 comments] [Link]
Fark.com RSS » Dog chases a cat up a tree. Cat happens to be a mountain lion [Amusing]
[link] [137 comments] [Link]
Fark.com RSS » Police are still unsure why he killed himself, but they're starting to think it may have had something to do with that other body he had in his garbage can [Florida]
[link] [33 comments] [Link]
The Onion » MMA Fighter Unfortunately Discovers True Love For First Time On Morning Of Big Fight
TERRE HAUTE, IN—In an unfortunate instance of ill-timing, mixed martial artist Pat Schrode finally discovered the feeling of true, unrequited love Saturday morning just hours before his fight with Kyle Hendrix.
[Link]
Fark.com RSS » "Police are not yet certain" what led to the death of autistic 17-year old found face-down at the bottom of a garbage chute after 47-floor fall [Unlikely]
[link] [125 comments] [Link]
FMyLife » mary says FML
Today, I managed to cut myself on a piece of chocolate. FML [Link]
The Onion » Your Horoscopes – Week Of February 21, 2012
Aries Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you. Tau…
[Link]
Fark.com RSS » Ohio man busted in misguided attempt to stomp out breast cancer [Asinine]
[link] [32 comments] [Link]
Fark.com RSS » Protip: When kidnapping teens, make sure to take away their cellphones so they don't text for help from inside your trunk [Florida]
[link] [196 comments] [Link]
FMyLife » Brian says FML
Today, I got a flat tire on the highway. While I was changing it, a semi kicked up a rock and cracked my side window. FML [Link]
Weird Universe » Dr. Sex
Strictly for Educational Purposes, but perhaps best when Not Viewed at Work.
Comments [Link]
Fark.com RSS » Iranian hardball: If the world refuses to buy Iranian oil, Iran will refuse to sell it [Amusing]
[link] [182 comments] [Link]
Fark.com RSS » Recently discovered photographs suggest that, decades ago, Mardi Gras was a refined, subdued, elegant affair … uhm … can someone ask those obviously hammered dudes in bras and garters to move it along? [Interesting]
[link] [81 comments] [Link]
Fark.com RSS » The new reality for the Baby Boomer generation is 'work til you drop'. So what does that mean for you younger people? Well for starters, less jobs [Obvious]
[link] [328 comments] [Link]
Fark.com RSS » If your infant is teething, it's okay to wipe a little bit of whiskey on their gums to numb the pain. But don't let them have so much alcohol their BA is .09 [Obvious]
[link] [57 comments] [Link]
The Onion » Opinion: I’m Getting Bitten By The Oscar Bug…AGAIN! (by Jackie Harvey)
For some people, March Madness begins in March, and it’s tied to college basketball, but not me!
[Link]
Fark.com RSS » Megachurch gives the pastor a week off, so he runs off to campaign with Santorum….just kidding, he spends a week living under a bridge with homeless guys and writes up their stories [Hero]
[link] [125 comments] [Link]
Fark.com RSS » The high art of desktop cooking, or, how to get a decent meal when your heartless boss won't let you have a lunch break [Interesting]
[link] [103 comments] [Link]
Fark.com RSS » School board updates dress code to ban jeans, sweatpants, flip-flops, and shirts that show too much cleavage and midriffs. Fark: The dress code is for the teachers, not the students [Interesting]
[link] [66 comments] [Link]
Mental Floss » World War I Centennial: The Belgian Question
The First World War was an unprecedented catastrophe that killed millions and set the continent of Europe on the path to further calamity two decades later. But it didn’t come out of nowhere. With the centennial of the outbreak of hostilities coming up in 2014, Erik Sass will be looking back at the lead-up to the war, when seemingly minor … [Link]
Fark.com RSS » New antibiotic-resistant superbug infecting humans across the globe is coming from pork. Delicious, tasty, pork. Isn't this how that Contagion movie started? [Scary]
[link] [85 comments] [Link]
Fark.com RSS » Outed Arizona sheriff says politics behind charges. That's not the only thing that's behind him, if'n ya know whut I mean (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) [Followup]
[link] [216 comments] [Link]
Fark.com RSS » From the editors at Forbes comes this groundbreaking expose: the five leadership mistakes of the Galactic Empire [Obvious]
[link] [124 comments] [Link]
Fark.com RSS » "Mummified man was heavy drinker" – presumably of formaldehyde [Sad]
[link] [11 comments] [Link]
Fark.com RSS » George Washington's ice cream recipe: first, have slaves cut ice from river [Cool]
[link] [36 comments] [Link]
The Onion » Ducks Only Interested In Area Man's Bread
Ducks Only Interested In Area Man's Bread
[Link]
Mental Floss » 9 Pre-Lenten Treats from Around the World
Today is Shrove Tuesday, the last day before Lent in many Christian traditions. Eastern Orthodox Christians begin Great Lent on a slightly different calendar. The day is also called Mardi Gras, Carnival, Pancake Tuesday, and many other names in various languages. What these days have in common is a tradition of a final feast of foods that will be forbidden … [Link]
FMyLife » mishie1 says FML
Today, I received the first compliment from the opposite sex that I've gotten in months, from an elderly, cross-dressing man in the parking lot of Goodwill. Apparently my clothes look like they'd be "exciting to try on." FML [Link]
Fark.com RSS » Nooooooooooo [Amusing]
[link] [36 comments] [Link]
Fark.com RSS » Drunk switches seats with friends after being pulled over. Friend also drunk. Both arrested for DUI. Some days it's easy to be a cop [Dumbass]
[link] [31 comments] [Link]
The Onion » Woman In Ninth Year Of Letting Boyfriend Down Easy
CHICAGO—Saying she wanted to "end things the right way" and not leave any painful, unresolved issues lingering between them, area woman Deborah Oster confirmed Wednesday she has been letting boyfriend Greg Norfolk down easy for the pa…
[Link]
Fark.com RSS » It's generally considered to be tacky to talk about the perkiness of your wife's breasts with her best friend. Especially at your wife's funeral [Weird]
[link] [104 comments] [Link]
Fark.com RSS » Research: 35% of men sleep with bears, your mom [Interesting]
[link] [94 comments] [Link]
Fark.com RSS » If you're going to have road rage, you might as well do it so over-the-top that nobody questions whether you have it. Like these guys [Dumbass]
[link] [62 comments] [Link]
FMyLife » annoym says FML
Today, I spent my day creating a new type of laugh, and performing it in my head. FML [Link]
Fark.com RSS » I'm a little farked up maybe, but I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to farkin' amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny? [Florida]
[link] [23 comments] [Link]
Fark.com RSS » Answer: Fark themselves [Obvious]
[link] [113 comments] [Link]
Fark.com RSS » A student at Oxford University has learnt 11 languages and uses them all to explain how in this video. Monolingual subby feels inadequate [Spiffy]
[link] [127 comments] [Link]
Fark.com RSS » Apparently, the idea of calling 911 repeatedly to ask for a taxi hasn't gotten old for homeless guys in Hudson [Florida]
[link] [19 comments] [Link]
The Onion » American Voices: Fruit Flies Seek Out Alcohol
An Emory University study published in the journal Current Biology shows that common fruit flies often seek out fermented fruit for nourishment in order to self-medicate against the threat of deadly parasitic wasps.
[Link]
Fark.com RSS » Designer creates a house that will float when caught up in floodwater. The homeowner is responsible for gathering two animals of every species [Weird]
[link] [42 comments] [Link]
Mental Floss » Star Trek Humor: Worf is Always Wrong
Worf is a character who doesn’t get much respect — despite frequent suggestions for action, he is routinely denied. In fact, frustration is his primary emotion (no Ka’Plah for Worf!). In this fifteen-minute supercut, we see dozens of ST: TNG scenes in which Worf suggests action, but that action is denied, his orders belayed, and his opinion generally disrespected. Despite … [Link]
Mental Floss » Brain Game: Prez Play
Since it’s a presidential election year, the mentalfloss.com Brain Game will offer some related puzzles leading up to the big event in November, including today’s Tuesday Test Time challenge. Good luck! Of all those who have served as president of the U.S.,
exactly SEVEN of them spent MORE than one full term
in office but FEWER than two full terms. … [Link]
Mental Floss » 5 Questions: The ‘Floor’ Show
Today’s 5 Question quiz sings! It dances! It spins plates on tiny sticks! It’s: The ‘Floor’ Show [Link]
Fark.com RSS » Climate scientist lied to obtain Heartland documents, so global warming is false and Sarah Palin is automatically President [Followup]
[link] [72 comments] [Link]
Fark.com RSS » Kansas City Zoo turns gorilla exhibit into a petting zoo [Scary]
[link] [48 comments] [Link]
Mental Floss » Time to Prepare for the Oscars
Tolly Moseley, one of Austin’s finest and most well-known bloggers, made a cute video for her Austin Eavesdropper blog that will make you smile (broadly, because everything in Texas is broader), and whet your whistle for the upcoming Academy Awards, no doubt. (Disclaimer: No armadillos were actually hurt in the making of this short.)
And if that doesn’t fully get … [Link]
Fark.com RSS » Not news: Researchers testing new Alzheimer's drug. News: studies show the drug actually impairs memory. Fark: "The new findings are not a red light for [the drug's] development" [Asinine]
[link] [33 comments] [Link]
Fark.com RSS » We know how to hang a chandelier in Sarasota [Florida]
[link] [20 comments] [Link]
Fark.com RSS » Denver police have issued their first "Medina" alert and are asking people to be on the lookout for man described as "funky, cold" [Interesting]
[link] [56 comments] [Link]
Fark.com RSS » When teaching high school kids about the severity of a 0.112 blood alcohol level, it's probably best not to use yourself as the live example [Florida]
[link] [32 comments] [Link]
Fark.com RSS » We've got lots of Louisiana transplants here in Texas, so Fat Tuesday is a pretty big deal. How are you celebrating Fat Tuesday? [Survey]
[link] [154 comments] [Link]
Fark.com RSS » When soccer goalposts attack: TV station points out the dangers of soccer goalposts by using one to smash a skull-like water melon. Gallagher surrenders [Florida]
[link] [35 comments] [Link]
The Onion » NewsBlitz: Senate Session Interrupted By Wailing Of Ted Kennedy's Ghost
Ted Kennedy's crying ghost disrupts Congress and a pilot crashes in the Kardashian wilderness, in today's NewsBlitz.
[Link]
Fark.com RSS » Pastor registers as a sex offender after pleading guilty to lewd conduct with underage girls from congregation. To ensure this problem won't happen again, church bans kids from attending services [Florida]
[link] [94 comments] [Link]
Fark.com RSS » Southern Baptists consider name change. Let's hear your suggestions, voting enabled [Survey]
[link] [245 comments] [Link]
FMyLife » kat says FML
Today, a client stared at me in disbelief after I mentioned that I had a boyfriend. FML [Link]
Fark.com RSS » South Florida residents finding sticky white goo all over cars and plants. Ron Jeremy, Peter North claim they were in California the whole time [Strange]
[link] [20 comments] [Link]
Fark.com RSS » Romney campaign spent more than twice as much cash as it raised last month, may become target for takeover by Bain Capital [Unlikely]
[link] [50 comments] [Link]
Fark.com RSS » "Plastic surgery does make you look younger, study finds." Obvious tag hands Asinine and Stupid tag a needle of Botox, with eventual result of Sad or Scary [Stupid]
[link] [33 comments] [Link]
Fark.com RSS » NASA recruiting chefs for Mars. Might be getting slightly ahead of themselves [Strange]
[link] [31 comments] [Link]
Fark.com RSS » Dominic Strauss-Kahn, who definitely didn't rape that maid in New York, or the other several women who alleged it, nor has he frequented prostitutes, is now being held on suspicion of using company funds for prostitute sex parties [Dumbass]
[link] [46 comments] [Link]
Fark.com RSS » 4.0 earthquake shakes four Southern states. West Coasters nearly pull a stomach muscle laughing [Amusing]
[link] [73 comments] [Link]
Futility Closet » Green Ties
The Martian Census Bureau compiled the marital history of every male and female Martian, living and dead: Never married: 6,823,041 Married once: 7,354,016 Married twice: 1,600,897 Married three times: 171,013 Married four times: 2,682 What’s wrong with these figures? Click for solution … [Link]
Fark.com RSS » At campaign rally, Ron Paul denounces Woodrow Wilson, who he ran against several elections back [Strange]
[link] [114 comments] [Link]
Fark.com RSS » Iran threatens pre-emptive strike if tensions do not ease. What sort of savage, barbaric, war-mongering super villain would attack another country pre-emptively? We really need to … oh, wait [Asinine]
[link] [161 comments] [Link]
Fark.com RSS » Those ads offering a free ticket to another country and a good job as a bartender, maid, or nanny? Hell yes they're a trap [Obvious]
[link] [32 comments] [Link]
Fark.com RSS » It's all fun and games and requests for sexual favors until the Taser comes out. With gratuitous "Alice" reference and SFW photos [Florida]
[link] [37 comments] [Link]
Fark.com RSS » Headline: "Mom warns of energy drink dangers after boy falls out of car." Article: "her son had been drinking an energy drink laced with alcohol" [Stupid]
[link] [65 comments] [Link]
Fark.com RSS » It would appear that the scheme of giving your license to a stranger, leaving the scene of the crash, and returning hours later to the scene of the crash after pounding back two shots of vodka to evade charges wasn't entirely accurate [Dumbass]
[link] [20 comments] [Link]
Weird Universe » Will Chatham’s Toenail and Fingernail Collection
Will Chatham has been saving all his toenail and fingernail clippings since 1983. He keeps them in a little box. He's gotten a decent amount of press out of this. For instance, there was a Weekly World News article about him in 2002. And, of course, he's gotten some attention on the internet too.
Will's special trick is a "toenail … [Link]
Fark.com RSS » Photoshop theme: Drew is going to mentor entrepreneurs and help startup companies. Photoshop some of the ideas he'll be pitched. LGT article [Photoshop]
[link] [12 comments] [Link]
Fark.com RSS » Santorum in 2003: "The right to privacy is not Constitutional. It is a self serving thing invented by hippies and it causes abortions". Sleep well, citizens [Scary]
[link] [141 comments] [Link]
Fark.com RSS » Headline: Is our society about to turn into the Matrix? Article: No [Obvious]
[link] [26 comments] [Link]
Fark.com RSS » Newt Gingrich proclaims Barack Obama is "the most dangerous president in American history." Jefferson Davis weeps [Hero]
[link] [244 comments] [Link]
Fark.com RSS » Anderson Cooper gives Courtney Cox a bowl of his creamy white "dressing" which Courtney proceeds to gulp from the bowl as she tells him how good it tastes. Subby was confused by the lack of Japanese dialogue [Strange]
[link] [44 comments] [Link]
Mental Floss » Morning Cup of Links: Mardi Gras Edition
The new Krewe of Chewbacchus puts a little nerd into Mardi Gras. See pictures of how they partied like it was long, long ago and far, far away.
*
Eternal Copyright: a Modest Proposal. Adrian Hon thinks Swiftly about making a good idea even better.
*
21 Ways to Fix the Academy Awards Show. It’s harder every year to get … [Link]
Fark.com RSS » Jazz FM temporarily rebrands as Jizz FM [Amusing]
[link] [31 comments] [Link]
FMyLife » desperate905 says FML
Today, I set my alarm half-an-hour earlier so I could masturbate. That's how horny and single I am. FML [Link]
FMyLife » Bellend says FML
Today, I noticed a flash car badly parking itself in a handicapped space. I hate the asshats who do this, so I went up to berate the driver. After an opening salvo of coarse language, a glint of light on his wheelchair in the back caught my eye. I then had to apologize for being a shitehawk. FML [Link]
Fark.com RSS » You know you have a hoarding problem when your mess is visible from space [Sick]
[link] [112 comments] [Link]
FMyLife » bloodshedblack says FML
Today, I received more affection from my wife in a video game than I ever have in real life. FML [Link]
FMyLife » Gothicbunnyx3 says FML
Today, I had to tell my 7 year old son it's not polite to jack off in public. FML [Link]
FMyLife » ashleigh_anarchy says FML
Today, someone actually thought it was appropriate to compare my mother's death to the death of their cat. FML [Link]
Fark.com RSS » Helllllllllllloooooooooooo Nurse [Cool]
[link] [213 comments] [Link]
Fark.com RSS » 22-foot-long carving valued at $1,000,000 has been recovered, which comes as a huge relief [Spiffy]
[link] [36 comments] [Link]
Fark.com RSS » You're gambling with fate if you abandon a 95-year-old dementia patient in your car while you hit the casino for a couple of hours [Florida]
[link] [17 comments] [Link]
Fark.com RSS » Itsy bitsy spider climbed up the English man, itsy bitsy spider bit him in the neck [Scary]
[link] [58 comments] [Link]
FMyLife » Carpet cleaner says FML
Today, my husband came home late from drinking with his buddies, only to toss and turn and keep me up for an hour. He then sat up and didn't move for a few minutes. I sat up to see what was wrong, only to see him pissing on the carpet beside our bed. FML [Link]
Futility Closet » Eastern Views
Wry haiku: Having given his opinion
he returns home to
his wife’s opinion – Yachō (1882-1960) “Every woman”
he starts to say,
then looks around – Anonymous One umbrella –
the person more in love
gets wet – Keisanjin (dates unknown) By saying not to worry
he says something
worrisome – Anonymous At the ticket window
our child becomes
one … [Link]
Fark.com RSS » A Seattle cop caught on tape threatening to "make stuff up" about two men to get felony charges against them say that he was merely "bantering" with them [Followup]
[link] [123 comments] [Link]
Fark.com RSS » Not news: Fast food CEO works a shift at one of his restaurants for an episode of "Undercover Boss". Fark: He's so shocked by the abusive behavior of the shift manager that he breaks cover and confronts him (w/photos & video) [Florida
[link] [230 comments] [Link]
Fark.com RSS » Man goes into Walmart bathroom stall, sits down, drops his revolver, the revolver shoots a bullet, the bullet goes through the stall door, hits a wall, ricochets into a ceiling light, back onto the floor toward a man standing at a urinal. Ta-da [Stra
[link] [126 comments] [Link]
Fark.com RSS » Family of sexually abused Boy Scout is suing the Boy Scouts of America after being told not to report the crime to the police because "those things are handled internally" [Followup]
[link] [183 comments] [Link]
Mental Floss » 10 Amazing Letters From Presidents
We’ve scoured the Letters of Note archives once again, this time for notes from men who would hold or were holding the highest office in the land. Here are ten of our favorite letters from the presidents. (There’s a Letters of Note book in the works — learn more and preorder a copy here.) 1. “Liberty-loving people everywhere march with … [Link]
Fark.com RSS » Alabama. Where you don't need alcohol or drugs as an excuse to drive naked down the highway crashing into multiple cars along the way [Strange]
[link] [32 comments] [Link]
Fark.com RSS » Scary: Helicopter and plane collide in mid air. Wow: Everyone survives with only minor injuries [Unlikely]
[link] [48 comments] [Link]
FMyLife » Gavin says FML
Today, I overheard my fourteen year old daughter talking on the phone. Apparently, as of last night, she and her best friend have their "official licenses in muff diving". FML [Link]
FMyLife » good_gravy says FML
Today, my dog threw up on my bed while I was sleeping. I lost an hour of the day washing the vomit out with a rag, and my garbage disposal jammed on whatever otherworldly things my dog ate the day before. I had to dig it out by hand. FML [Link]
Fark.com RSS » Photoshop this team taking time [Photoshop]
[link] [29 comments] [Link]
The Onion » WASHINGTON, DC—Unbeknownst to them, liberal couple Abel Russ and Jessica Scott, both 29, haven't had nonethnic food in nearly two months.
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Unbeknownst to them, liberal couple Abel Russ and Jessica Scott, both 29, haven't had nonethnic food in nearly two months.
[Link]
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