John Gordon Ross

A Man for All Reasons

John Gordon Ross header image 3

Whittle It a Little, It’ll Fit

Odds and sods I look at regularly, just because they amuse me. I hope they do the same for you. Incidentally, I found this page’s title on Greg Ross’s Futility Closet (it’s somewhere on this page) in a mini-article which also includes the delightful sentence in Icelandic: Barbara Ara bar Ara araba bara rabbabara. Ross points out that this, “besides being fun to say, is spelled with only three letters. It means “Barbara, daughter of Ari, brought only rhubarb to Ari the Arab.”

Overheard In The Office » And a New Flogger

Saturday 28 March 23:36:26 UTC 2015

Older, proper female professor #1, giggling: Well, I guess after that I should probably just invest in a new turkey baster.Older, proper female professor #2: I should say so, my dear.Swarthmore, PennsylvaniaOverheard by: This place is killing me… [Link]

FMyLife » soontobewidow says FML

Saturday 28 March 23:17:49 UTC 2015

Today, my husband was involved in a horrible series of accidents; he repeatedly slipped and fell into my best friend's vagina. FML [Link]

FMyLife » Anonymous says FML

Saturday 28 March 23:17:48 UTC 2015

Today, my pyromaniac sister somehow got her hands on my dad's lighter and set my bed sheets on fire. My dad said I must have provoked her, and that she can't be blamed for her mental condition. So now I'm grounded, and she has a new doll house to calm her down. FML [Link]

Overheard In The Office » And I Wouldn’t Mind Getting You Between the Worksheets

Saturday 28 March 22:23:23 UTC 2015

Assistant: Hey, could you help me with a price on a part?Sales guy: Yeah, just give me a minute to finish what I’m doing… Hey, I’ll help you with your pricing thing if you come over here and help me with my spreadsheet.Assistant: Deal. [Walks to next cubicle] My, you have a lot of toolbars…Sales guy: I’m special.8220 England StreetCharlotte, … [Link]

FMyLife » people suck says FML

Saturday 28 March 21:23:39 UTC 2015

Today, while at work, a customer refused to speak louder, despite me asking her to do it several times. As a result, I took her order incorrectly. The customer then finally decided to raise her voice, but only to yell at me about my poor listening skills. FML [Link]

FMyLife » BirthdayBoy says FML

Saturday 28 March 21:23:38 UTC 2015

Today, I was uninvited from my own birthday party. FML [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Family of Aurora theater shooting victim loses lawsuit against online sellers of ammo used, because on the Internet no one knows you're a homicidal maniac [Obvious]

Saturday 28 March 21:11:05 UTC 2015

Obvious [link] [444 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Mother of God, why the hell hasn't the mainstream media told anyone about the worldwide pastrami crisis? [Scary]

Saturday 28 March 20:09:39 UTC 2015

Scary [link] [129 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Photoshop this winged wonder [Photoshop]

Saturday 28 March 20:00:01 UTC 2015

Photoshop [link] [26 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » "Captain Donald Alexander Malcolm Jr., 60, died Feb. 28, while smoking, drinking whiskey and telling lies. He died from complications resulting from being stubborn, refusing to go to the doctor, and raising hell for six decades" [Amusing]

Saturday 28 March 19:45:53 UTC 2015

Amusing [link] [61 comments] [Link]

Overheard In The Office » He’d Rather Do It Avocationally

Saturday 28 March 18:58:17 UTC 2015

Manager: Why do they send so much of this stock? It’s never gonna sell. What bunch of arseholes thought this up at head office?Peon: This is really getting to you, isn’t it? I get the feeling you applied for a job there, and they turned you down.Manager: A job at head office? No thanks, I’ve no desire to be an … [Link]

Fark.com RSS » "Some interesting runaways patrol came across this morning," police wrote. "They were found grazing in a median & safely returned home." (with awesome apprehension pic) [Amusing]

Saturday 28 March 18:22:21 UTC 2015

Amusing [link] [36 comments] [Link]

GraphJam » Thoughts When A Car Alarm Goes Off

Saturday 28 March 17:30:00 UTC 2015

Graph by: Unknown Tagged: annoying , car , car alarm , deactivated , Pie Chart , stolen Share on Facebook [Link]

FMyLife » biblepain says FML

Saturday 28 March 17:07:45 UTC 2015

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. Within minutes, they said I needed to leave. Their reason? Apparently, I was mocking her dad's speech impediment. I also have one but they wouldn't believe me. FML [Link]

FMyLife » ironwoman23 says FML

Saturday 28 March 17:07:44 UTC 2015

Today, I discovered that when my mom can't sleep, she comes into my room and reads my text messages. FML [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Marijuana is irrevocably changing the American workplace for the worst, say the totally harsh buzzkills at Slate [Scary]

Saturday 28 March 16:53:00 UTC 2015

Scary [link] [228 comments] [Link]

Overheard In The Office » 11AM Prep for Telecom Meeting

Saturday 28 March 16:36:39 UTC 2015

Co-worker #1: “Telephony”? Really? That’s a word?
Co-worker #2: Yeah, I know. I hate when words that usually end in “e” suddenly end in “y.” It’s like finding yourself in a world with neither floor nor ceiling.
Co-worker #1: …You’re freakin’ nuts, dude. 105 Avenue O
Brooklyn, New York Overheard by: Dani [Link]

Fark.com RSS » OOOOk-lahoma, where the measles comes from riding on the plane [Sick]

Saturday 28 March 16:32:25 UTC 2015

Sick [link] [38 comments] [Link]

GraphJam » It's Time for a New Doctor When

Saturday 28 March 16:30:00 UTC 2015

Graph by: (via Pleated Jeans) Tagged: doctor , health , ill Share on Facebook [Link]

Fark.com RSS » A five year old boy went missing / His parents were having a fit / But Friday brought a sad ending / He was found in a big tank of … shaving cream, be nice and clean, shave every day and you'll always look keen [Sad]

Saturday 28 March 16:24:36 UTC 2015

Sad [link] [189 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Last one out tonight for Earth Hour, please turn out the lights [Interesting]

Saturday 28 March 16:12:56 UTC 2015

Interesting [link] [53 comments] [Link]

Overheard In The Office » …er Than Usual.

Saturday 28 March 15:21:52 UTC 2015

Office employee #1: You're in a really cheery mood today!Office employee #2: I'm drunk.Kitchener
Canadia [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Former Navy SEAL who was shot 27 times in one firefight will run in a half-Ironman representing Carrick Brain Centers. You'll be able to hear the clanking of giant balls and bullet fragments for miles around [Hero]

Saturday 28 March 15:17:46 UTC 2015

Hero [link] [55 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » This woman posed as a lawyer and almost became a partner at her small firm before her fraud was discovered. She would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for those meddling investigators [Dumbass]

Saturday 28 March 14:38:25 UTC 2015

Dumbass [link] [71 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Prisoner obtains mobile phone in jail, uses it to set up fake web domain to issue fake bail instructions and then escape. I mean, how often do you look at a man's bail instructions? [Amusing]

Saturday 28 March 14:31:58 UTC 2015

Amusing [link] [37 comments] [Link]

Overheard In The Office » My Cup Already Runneth Over, You Know?

Saturday 28 March 14:13:21 UTC 2015

Admin assistant to coworker after boss walks past: Excessive boobage isn't on my to-do list today…Los Angeles, CaliforniaOverheard by: at least they're perky [Link]

Fark.com RSS » So what is up with that piano on top of a hill, anyway? [Strange]

Saturday 28 March 13:42:31 UTC 2015

Strange [link] [28 comments] [Link]

Weird Universe » Towing The Boat

Saturday 28 March 13:35:52 UTC 2015


A mobility scooter pulling a boat. You don't see that every day. [Link]

Mental Floss » The Firefighter's Workout

Saturday 28 March 13:30:00 UTC 2015

According to Robert Piparo, Lieutenant of the New Brunswick Fire Department, 40-50% of firefighter deaths in the line of duty are from heart attacks. He's on a mission to reduce that number, by helping his fellow firefighters stay fit. (And let's be clear—all the firefighters I see in this video already look like they're in great shape.) Have you ever … [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Pizza and ice cream parlor was front for family-run pot operation, police rai… waidadaminnit… Why didn't I think of that? [Obvious]

Saturday 28 March 13:20:40 UTC 2015

Obvious [link] [41 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Photoshop this underwater gal [Photoshop]

Saturday 28 March 13:00:01 UTC 2015

Photoshop [link] [31 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » 5'4", 125lb woman goes to doctor for back pain, is told to lose weight. Patient loses weight three months later, sues [Asinine]

Saturday 28 March 12:50:42 UTC 2015

Asinine [link] [176 comments] [Link]

Overheard In The Office » The Real Fabric Of Our Lives

Saturday 28 March 12:42:05 UTC 2015

Mom: We can visit the Eli Whitney museum.Kid: Who is he?Mom: He invented gin.ConnecticutOverheard by: Geoff [Link]

Mental Floss » Weekend Links: The Difference Between Eggs?

Saturday 28 March 12:30:00 UTC 2015

So is there or isn't there a difference between white and brown eggs (besides, obviously, color)? * Doomsday preppers are all set with menus for what they'll eat after the inevitable (or so they say) apocalypse. Frankly, none of it sounds too appealing. * Lost fans have a lifetime of questions about the baffling mystical/sci-fi/time travel series, and former show … [Link]

Weird Universe » Is There Sex After Death?

Saturday 28 March 12:26:22 UTC 2015

Some R-rated shennanigans in this trailer for a semi-famous mockumentary. [Link]

Fark.com RSS » "Every one of them deserves a bowl of food and a blanket to sleep on." Woman single-handedly cares for almost 350 abandoned and feral cats. Please give her a very warm welcome to Caturday [Caturday]

Saturday 28 March 12:00:00 UTC 2015

Caturday [link] [948 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Colorado defends pot laws, Attorney General Cynthia Coffman urges Supreme Court to reject lawsuit filed by neighboring states: "This is an attempt to reach across their borders and selectively invalidate state laws with which they disagree" [

Saturday 28 March 11:45:32 UTC 2015

Spiffy [link] [119 comments] [Link]

Weird Universe » The Gift of Prophecy

Saturday 28 March 11:40:21 UTC 2015

Christian minister Rebecca Greenwood has discovered that she has the gift of prophecy. Specifically, she has an uncanny ability to predict what's going to happen next in movies. When she watches movies with her husband, she's like, "‘This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna be the outcome.” And he's like, ‘Don’t tell me what’s gonna happen at … [Link]

Mental Floss » 11 Ways a 2 in 1 Device Gets You the Best of Both Worlds

Saturday 28 March 11:30:00 UTC 2015

Phones, tablets, and computers for work, laptops for gaming—we don’t have enough hands to carry all the devices we need to use on a daily basis! By exchanging your tablet and laptop for a 2 in 1 device you can streamline your computing and lighten your load—without having to make any sacrifices. Here are 11 ways using a 2 in … [Link]

Overheard In The Office » …Oh And, by the Way, I Know What You Were Doing in the Bathroom Earlier.

Saturday 28 March 11:23:15 UTC 2015

Receptionist: A patient just tried to cancel her appointment that's in two hours. Said she was stuck in Dallas. I told her we didn't have any openings for a month.Coworker: Why? We have openings tomorrow.Receptionist: Because she's not in Dallas, she called from home. Caller id, helloooo. She'll be here…Dental Office
Austin, TexasOverheard by: Caller ID…hellloooo [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Honest to God, if you pass out at a party and wake up to find a bag of jewels next to you and the bag of jewels has a laptop in it, don't waste your time pawning the laptop [Fail]

Saturday 28 March 11:16:13 UTC 2015

Fail [link] [17 comments] [Link]

Overheard In The Office » I Have to Go Change My Pants

Saturday 28 March 8:52:46 UTC 2015

Intern: Lou* just said he really likes my sense of humor! He said I’m self-defecating! Can you believe it? Lou thinks I’m self-defecating — he thinks I sit in my own shit! Lou’s so cool.Lou, two cubes away: I said ‘self-deprecating,’ you idiot.Intern: Oh.6707 Democracy Boulevard
Bethesda, MarylandOverheard by: One cubicle over [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Four-year-old girl sneaks out of house at 3 in the morning, hops bus in search of slushie [Scary]

Saturday 28 March 7:03:00 UTC 2015

Scary [link] [59 comments] [Link]

Futility Closet » New Tropes for Old

Saturday 28 March 6:40:51 UTC 2015

Image: Wikimedia Commons In an 1810 satire, C.L. Pitt noted that “a novel may be made out of a romance, or a romance out of a novel with the greatest ease, by scratching out a few terms, and inserting others.” The steps below will, “like machinery in factories,” convert a Gothic romance into a sentimental novel: Where you find: Put: A … [Link]

FMyLife » Bonecrusher says FML

Saturday 28 March 4:50:01 UTC 2015

Today, I was trying out for a position as pitcher for my college baseball team. I threw the ball as hard as I could, and then collapsed to the ground in agony from a dislocated shoulder. FML [Link]

Fark.com RSS » If you're running for Mayor, you may want to refrain from spraying '666' grafitti on public buildings and landmarks [Dumbass]

Saturday 28 March 4:22:00 UTC 2015

Dumbass [link] [70 comments] [Link]

Mental Floss » Fall of the South: Last Hurrah, Final Words

Saturday 28 March 3:50:26 UTC 2015

Wikimedia Commons For the next few weeks, we'll be covering the final days of the Civil War exactly 150 years later. This is the sixth installment of the series. March 25-28, 1865: Last Hurrah, Final Words In the last days of March 1865 the Confederate Army of Northern Virginia under Robert E. Lee made one final, desperate attempt to break … [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Study finds that the most dangerous time to be home is 6:30pm on Saturdays and you're better off staying the hell away from the kitchen [PSA]

Saturday 28 March 3:44:25 UTC 2015

PSA [link] [36 comments] [Link]

FMyLife » screwedupfuck says FML

Saturday 28 March 3:19:02 UTC 2015

Today, I was at a big meeting at work. The CEO was reaming the hell out of us for our recent poor profits, when I accidentally let rip a vile fart. I was then subjected to a 10 minute tirade of abuse for "trying to be a funny man", and told that whatever small chance I had for a promotion … [Link]

Fark.com RSS » A picture is worth a thousand words. More, if there's cocaine hidden in the frame [Obvious]

Saturday 28 March 3:13:06 UTC 2015

Obvious [link] [10 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » It's important to know the difference between clay and organic kitty litter. Especially if you're using it at a nuclear waste facility [Followup]

Saturday 28 March 2:46:20 UTC 2015

Followup [link] [88 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » On news that the Supreme Court of Canada has sided with the federal government to destroy records from the abolished gun registry, Quebec said, "Fine we'll start our own registry. With blackjack and hookers" [Stupid]

Saturday 28 March 2:38:11 UTC 2015

Stupid [link] [79 comments] [Link]

FMyLife » Anonymous says FML

Saturday 28 March 2:28:01 UTC 2015

Today, I found my dad's porn stash on his laptop. I went through it for a laugh to see what kind of sick, twisted shit he's into. Mostly nude pictures of my mum, as it turns out. I can't wipe the afterimage from my mind. FML [Link]

Mental Floss » 10 Fascinating New Revelations About the Making of 'Lost'

Saturday 28 March 2:00:00 UTC 2015

Javier Grillo-Marxuach was part of the original team of writers on ABC’s Lost, and even though he left the show in the middle of the second season, he stuck around longer than any other writer besides showrunner Damon Lindelof. He has since gone on to produce TV shows such as Medium and The Middleman, but is most often asked about … [Link]

Fark.com RSS » There's driving drunk, and then there's 'passed out in the car while rolling down the freeway' drunk. (caught on video) [Dumbass]

Saturday 28 March 1:53:15 UTC 2015

Dumbass [link] [30 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Buddhist monk, 41, busted for seeking enlightenment and inner peace by filming upskirts of schoolgirls [Dumbass]

Saturday 28 March 1:11:20 UTC 2015

Dumbass [link] [58 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » To house Iraqi refugees, UN agency places IKEA order for 10,000 flat-pack shelters, 10,001 allen wrenches [Cool]

Saturday 28 March 1:03:02 UTC 2015

Cool [link] [26 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Racist cupcakes? How bad could they …. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? (Not safe for work) [Asinine]

Saturday 28 March 0:43:58 UTC 2015

Asinine [link] [452 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Photoshop Theme: the perfect vacation [Photoshop]

Saturday 28 March 0:00:01 UTC 2015

Photoshop [link] [31 comments] [Link]

Mental Floss » 10 Elegant Facts About Compsognathus

Saturday 28 March 0:00:00 UTC 2015

Zach Tirrell, Wikimedia Commons// CC BY-SA 2.0 The svelte Compsognathus could have squeezed inside a typical shopping cart—but for sensitivity’s sake, you’d probably want to avoid steering it through the poultry aisle… 1. Paleontologists Only Have Two Compsognathus Skeletons to Work With. These came from Germany and France in 1859 and 1971, respectively. Since then, some possible Compsognathus teeth have … [Link]

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