John Gordon Ross

A Man for All Reasons

John Gordon Ross header image 3

Whittle It a Little, It’ll Fit

Odds and sods I look at regularly, just because they amuse me. I hope they do the same for you. Incidentally, I found this page’s title on Greg Ross’s Futility Closet (it’s somewhere on this page) in a mini-article which also includes the delightful sentence in Icelandic: Barbara Ara bar Ara araba bara rabbabara. Ross points out that this, “besides being fun to say, is spelled with only three letters. It means “Barbara, daughter of Ari, brought only rhubarb to Ari the Arab.”

Overheard In The Office » 12PM Work on Budgets

Wednesday 31 December 22:53:23 UTC 2014

Project Manager: I can’t get my numbers to balance with yours.
Budget Analyst: How much are you off by?
Project Manager: About a million. 5000 Ellin Road
Lanham, Maryland Overheard by: Cantabile [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Kansas schools are sued for teaching science [Interesting]

Wednesday 31 December 22:49:01 UTC 2014

Interesting [link] [272 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Giant millipedes in my vagina? It's more likely than you think [Scary]

Wednesday 31 December 22:15:17 UTC 2014

Scary [link] [74 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Palestine announces plans to join International Criminal Court, but not to, like, bring war crime charges against Israel or anything like that. Well, OK, not *just* for that [Unlikely]

Wednesday 31 December 21:55:42 UTC 2014

Unlikely [link] [79 comments] [Link]

Overheard In The Office » Keeps Claiming It's Not on Her Machine

Wednesday 31 December 21:47:50 UTC 2014

Desktop analyst #1: She has admin on her computer! She should know how to do this!Desktop analyst #2: Just because she has administrative rights on her computer doesn't mean she knows how to use Google.Houston, Texas [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Photoshop this overachieving dog [Photoshop]

Wednesday 31 December 21:00:01 UTC 2014

Photoshop [link] [18 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Professor reveals that most Christmas carols don't mean what you think they do. Scrooge [Interesting]

Wednesday 31 December 20:23:01 UTC 2014

Interesting [link] [110 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Bipolar woman tries and fails to kill herself, so her husband goes to the hospital and finishes the job [Sad]

Wednesday 31 December 19:35:18 UTC 2014

Sad [link] [139 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » While you slept, Obama slipped five more prisoners out of Gitmo and shipped them to Kazakhstan. Very nice [Interesting]

Wednesday 31 December 19:26:50 UTC 2014

Interesting [link] [88 comments] [Link]

Mental Floss » The Story Behind Times Square's New Year's Eve Celebration

Wednesday 31 December 19:18:16 UTC 2014

Tonight, over a million revelers will pack into New York’s Times Square to watch 2014 turn into 2015. The festivities will be marked by the descent of 2688 crystal triangles and 32,256 lights that comprise the iconic New Year's Eve ball, which has its own Twitter account with more than 15,000 followers. So before the champagne starts flowing and the … [Link]

Mental Floss » Get a Free Copy of mental_floss Magazine (It's a Good One!)

Wednesday 31 December 19:18:15 UTC 2014

There’s been no shortage of bad news lately. Of course, the news isn’t exactly what we cover at mental_floss magazine. It’s not that we don’t think it’s important to understand what’s happening right now; on the contrary, we know it’s vital. So vital, in fact, that we’ve made it our mission to tell stories you won’t hear anywhere else: stories … [Link]

Overheard In The Office » My Stupidosity Just Grows and Grows, Y'know?

Wednesday 31 December 19:12:39 UTC 2014

Peon, slamming down phone: That client is so goddamn dumb! I swear to god, every time I talk to him, I get more and more stupider.International Finance Centre
Hong Kong [Link]

Overheard In The Office » 12PM Prep for Big Meeting

Wednesday 31 December 19:12:38 UTC 2014

Secretary #1: It looks nice, don’t it?
Secretary #2: Did you just say, “it looks nice, don’t it?”…Doesn’t it! I’m just trying to get us ready for the bigwigs next week!
Secretary #1: It don’t matter, sweetie. 10559 Citation Drive
Brighton, Michigan Overheard by: Abigail Fisher [Link]

Overheard In The Office » We'll Never Understand Oak Porn

Wednesday 31 December 19:08:04 UTC 2014

Manager: It's getting a little soft.Accountant: You might not want to use a twig.Toronto
Canadia [Link]

Fark.com RSS » I've used LinkedIn to connect all your Fark accounts to your place of employment. If you're not interested, click here to disable– Drew [PSA]

Wednesday 31 December 18:30:23 UTC 2014

PSA [link] [1790 comments] [Link]

Futility Closet » All-Stars

Wednesday 31 December 18:10:49 UTC 2014

At the Fifth Solvay International Conference, held in Brussels in October 1927, 29 physicists gathered for a group photograph. Back row: Auguste Piccard, Émile Henriot, Paul Ehrenfest, Édouard Herzen, Théophile de Donder, Erwin Schrödinger, Jules-Émile Verschaffelt, Wolfgang Pauli, Werner Heisenberg, Ralph Howard Fowler, Léon Brillouin. Middle: Peter Debye, Martin Knudsen, William Lawrence Bragg, Hendrik Anthony Kramers, Paul Dirac, Arthur Compton, … [Link]

Overheard In The Office » He Prefers Rooms with Lots of Light

Wednesday 31 December 18:06:48 UTC 2014

Student: I hate going to the weight room. Those weights are heavy.School
TexasOverheard by: dan [Link]

Mental Floss » Meet the Real James Bond

Wednesday 31 December 18:00:00 UTC 2014

Wikimedia Commons On January 4, 1900, a child was born in Philadelphia. His name was Bond. James Bond. He would not grow up to be a globe-trotting, license-to-kill-carrying playboy spy like the other James Bond you’ve probably heard of. Instead, he became an ornithologist, and lived a fairly quiet, normal life—until someone borrowed his name. Bond lived in New Hampshire … [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Now that the Christmas Season is over we can all look forward to the Head Lice Season [Sick]

Wednesday 31 December 17:49:24 UTC 2014

Sick [link] [67 comments] [Link]

FMyLife » driverboy says FML

Wednesday 31 December 17:38:25 UTC 2014

Today, I had to pick up and drive home a couple of drunk bitches. Unfortunately, one of these drunk bitches was my mother. FML [Link]

FMyLife » bridezilla says FML

Wednesday 31 December 17:17:02 UTC 2014

Today, I was trying on wedding dresses with my future sister-in-law who is a little bigger than me. We tried on a similar dress and she said it looked better on me because I'm skinny. Instead of saying, 'No way' or 'It looks great on you', I accidentally said 'Yeah, I know'. FML [Link]

Fark.com RSS » While you toil away at your desk pondering the missteps that allowed you to be enslaved in a corporate dungeon, keep in mind that right now there is somebody getting paid to legally sample and review marijuana strains [Spiffy]

Wednesday 31 December 17:07:31 UTC 2014

Spiffy [link] [48 comments] [Link]

Overheard In The Office » And the Teeth to Chew It With.

Wednesday 31 December 17:01:18 UTC 2014

Guy #1: Man, I wish we had one of those things. You know, you put money in and food comes out?Guy #2: Vending machine?Guy #1: Yeah. Right.Manhattan, New YorkOverheard by: Scott [Link]

Fark.com RSS » You think your child's tantrum was bad? Did he take out an entire Dollar General store? [Florida]

Wednesday 31 December 16:46:20 UTC 2014

Florida [link] [327 comments] [Link]

Mental Floss » 14 Fantastic New Beasts and Where We Found Them in 2014

Wednesday 31 December 16:00:00 UTC 2014

Although we might act like we’re the only game in town, humans are only one of Earth’s roughly 8.7 million species of animals, plants, fungi, and protists. Each year, we discover another 15,000 species. In the last 12 months, scientists have described sex-crazed marsupials, enormous insects, and a punk rock snail—which would make 2014 the year of sex, bugs, and … [Link]

Fark.com RSS » World's oldest conjoined twins turn 63, are hoping this year someone thought to get those hot young Hensel twins to strip for them [Interesting]

Wednesday 31 December 15:57:57 UTC 2014

Interesting [link] [81 comments] [Link]

Overheard In The Office » Complaining Is Her Cardio.

Wednesday 31 December 15:57:17 UTC 2014

Office girl #1: I wish Chinese places would deliver around here!Office girl #2: They do. You have to pay a service fee but they will bring you food.Office girl #1: But I don't live around here, so how does that help me?Maryland [Link]

Fark.com RSS » DC police apologize for mistakenly telling woman they killed her son, say they were just trying to prepare her for when they do [Fail]

Wednesday 31 December 15:47:18 UTC 2014

Fail [link] [28 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » When the story ends with "Police jokingly say there's a warrant out for the raccoon's arrest," you know the rest is going to be interesting [Spiffy]

Wednesday 31 December 15:34:08 UTC 2014

Spiffy [link] [37 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Navy mashes up Terminator and Airwolf with their new drone [Cool]

Wednesday 31 December 15:22:21 UTC 2014

Cool [link] [103 comments] [Link]

Overheard In The Office » Can I Go Home Sick Now?

Wednesday 31 December 14:52:24 UTC 2014

Advising office applicant to interviewer: Yeah, advisors are worthless.6001 Dodge Street
Omaha, NebraskaOverheard by: Brandy [Link]

Fark.com RSS » The U.S. has 30 national emergencies currently in effect – including one from the Iran Hostage Crisis [Strange]

Wednesday 31 December 14:29:58 UTC 2014

Strange [link] [50 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » "Hello, 911. What is your emergency?" "Do you guys know the Playstation Network is offline?" [Florida]

Wednesday 31 December 14:07:51 UTC 2014

Florida [link] [72 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Photoshop these pajama bottoms somewhere unexpected [Photoshop]

Wednesday 31 December 14:00:01 UTC 2014

Photoshop [link] [34 comments] [Link]

Overheard In The Office » …Guess I Shouldn't Have Added Those Obscene Drawings, Then.

Wednesday 31 December 13:50:59 UTC 2014

Male coworker: Who drew sperm next to the happy birthday shoutouts on the white board?Female coworker: Those are balloons.Kennesaw, Georgia [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Dog left on cold, rainy tarmac by United Airlines workers for over an hour, says that was still preferable to actually flying United [Fail]

Wednesday 31 December 13:20:07 UTC 2014

Fail [link] [108 comments] [Link]

Weird Universe » Octa-Gane Water Injection Carburetor

Wednesday 31 December 13:02:59 UTC 2014

Even after reading this article, I'm still not sure about the physics of this device. But one thing is clear.

“Popular Science tested one of the J.C. Whitney Octa-Ganes in 1968 and reported a drop in fuel mileage and power when using it."

Original ad here. (Scroll down.)

[Link]

Mental Floss » 5 Questions: New Year's Eve!

Wednesday 31 December 12:56:00 UTC 2014

[Link]

Overheard In The Office » I Have Some in My Trunk

Wednesday 31 December 12:45:34 UTC 2014

Fat old creepy guy interrupting three Asian girls: So how old is this guy?
Asian girl #1 (looking awkwardly at friends): 18.
Asian girl #2: Yeah. (laughs) She likes them young.
Fat old creepy guy: Oooh! (pause) You can train him! Get a collar and a leash and a big stick like the ones my kids use to whack their pigs! Sacramento, California [Link]

Mental Floss » New Year's Eve

Wednesday 31 December 12:44:52 UTC 2014

[Link]

Fark.com RSS » Comcast: Sorry, that 12-month promotion you signed up for never existed, and we're raising your rate after 3 months. What's that, you have a recording of the original sales pitch? Fark you anyway [Asinine]

Wednesday 31 December 12:33:39 UTC 2014

Asinine [link] [273 comments] [Link]

Weird Universe » Alien-Inspired Art

Wednesday 31 December 12:07:21 UTC 2014

I think it makes sense for an artist to have some kind of schtick to differentiate themselves from the crowd. And Lloyd Canning's schtick is that he says his paintings are inspired by images that extraterrestrials project into his brain. According to him, this image projection began after the aliens first abducted him in 2005. The Mirror has more details. … [Link]

FMyLife » EggHead says FML

Wednesday 31 December 11:57:16 UTC 2014

Today, at work, a 3-year-old threw an egg at me from his cart. I couldn't leave my register to clean my hair because it was too busy, so when the new manager came in, he wrote me up for "unkempt appearance." Now my new hire probation period is extended 30 days, and my nickname is "Egghead." FML [Link]

FMyLife » Excalibur6669 says FML

Wednesday 31 December 11:57:15 UTC 2014

Today, my sister is having a New Year's Eve party at our house. I'm not invited. FML [Link]

FMyLife » Anonymous says FML

Wednesday 31 December 11:57:14 UTC 2014

Today, my elderly neighbour told me why my other neighbours don't talk to me. I'm a massage/physical therapist and treat clients, mostly athletes, in my home. My neighbours saw the steady stream of young, buff guys coming to my house and concluded that I'm a gay prostitute. FML [Link]

FMyLife » cannedpeas says FML

Wednesday 31 December 11:57:13 UTC 2014

Today, my aunt and uncle came into the restaurant I work at to give me a late Christmas gift. The gift was the $20 tip they left, which got divided amongst all the staff. FML [Link]

FMyLife » smooth says FML

Wednesday 31 December 11:39:17 UTC 2014

Today, my coworker pointed to our nervous new intern and asked who he was. I jokingly said, "Can't you tell? He's our new slave." I then quickly realized how bad that sounded, given the intern is black. FML [Link]

Fark.com RSS » The bad news about Australia is that all the wildlife is capable of killing you. The good thing is that wine is cheaper than water [Interesting]

Wednesday 31 December 11:02:00 UTC 2014

Interesting [link] [38 comments] [Link]

FMyLife » insomniacap says FML

Wednesday 31 December 9:47:11 UTC 2014

Today, I am struggling with exhaustion due to insomnia. The reason I cannot sleep is crippling anxiety – not about my complicated romantic situation, my pileup of work, or even my relationship with my father. No, I'm afraid of a blind ship captain I saw in a dream three days ago. FML [Link]

Fark.com RSS » McDonald's opens a new "healthy options" cafe with no fanfare [Interesting]

Wednesday 31 December 9:15:00 UTC 2014

Interesting [link] [77 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » White Castle is debuting a veggie slider. Instead of belly bombers they should just call them salad shooters [Silly]

Wednesday 31 December 9:03:00 UTC 2014

Silly [link] [39 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » People OUTRAGED that Target's new ads don't portray Annie as a little black girl, like she's supposed to be [Stupid]

Wednesday 31 December 8:44:00 UTC 2014

Stupid [link] [221 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » NYPD refuses to make revenue-generating arrests in tiff with DeBlasio, and accidentally become more popular than they'd ever been [Followup]

Wednesday 31 December 7:07:00 UTC 2014

Followup [link] [519 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Say, remember when people used to ingest arsenic as a health supplement? Me neither [Scary]

Wednesday 31 December 6:50:00 UTC 2014

Scary [link] [65 comments] [Link]

Futility Closet » The Wisdom of the Crowd

Wednesday 31 December 6:05:32 UTC 2014

At a livestock exhibition at Plymouth, England, in 1907, attendees were invited to guess the weight of an ox and to write their estimates on cards, with the most accurate estimates receiving prizes. About 800 tickets were issued, and after the contest these made their way to Francis Galton, who found them “excellent material.” “The average competitor,” he wrote, “was … [Link]

Overheard In The Office » He Keeps Telling Me It's What Jesus Would Do

Wednesday 31 December 5:37:55 UTC 2014

Sales rep #1: So last night I told my husband I don't believe in anal sex.Sales rep #2: Really? How'd that go?Sales rep #1: Not so good.Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania [Link]

Overheard In The Office » Career Tip: Nobody Wants the Details on Your Personal Hygiene

Wednesday 31 December 5:37:54 UTC 2014

Coworker, smelling her armpit: My armpit smells great today. (pauses, smells the other armpit) Almost as good as this one.Fort Myers, FloridaOverheard by: Greg Dunn [Link]

Overheard In The Office » Kids! How Many Things Can You Find Wrong with This Quote!

Wednesday 31 December 5:37:47 UTC 2014

Intern #1: Sorry, I can't go out tonight. I have to get a tattoo.Intern #2: Oh, what are you getting?Intern #1: This proverb: “time wasted can never be reclaimed.”Intern #2: That's deep.Intern #1: Yeah, it was between that and a lollipop on my hand. But I did a Twitter poll and they voted on the proverb.Manhattan, New YorkOverheard by: Hanly [Link]

Overheard In The Office » Non-Zombie Zombies Are the Worst, Man!

Wednesday 31 December 5:37:46 UTC 2014

Coworker #1: So did you like 28 Days Later?Coworker #2: Well, I didn't like the zombies.Coworker #1: Why?Coworker #2: I don't know… They weren't really zombies. Zombies don't think; they don't strategize. That's what makes them zombies!Water Street
New York City, New York [Link]

FMyLife » lexithepirate says FML

Wednesday 31 December 4:40:47 UTC 2014

Today, I called asking about a job I interviewed for 3 weeks ago. It's a scummy call center where known drug addicts work. They told me I wasn't getting the job. I guess my high school diploma and being drug-free makes me not good enough to work there. FML [Link]

FMyLife » GladYoureConcerned says FML

Wednesday 31 December 4:15:19 UTC 2014

Today, after we had sex, my boyfriend told me how my orgasms used to make him think I was having a seizure. FML [Link]

Overheard In The Office » It’s Quite Possible That Women Have Dirtier Minds Than Men

Wednesday 31 December 3:43:19 UTC 2014

Female coworker: Why do you shake your mustard like that?Male coworker: To mix it up real good so I don’t get the pre-mustard on my sandwich.Female coworker: I am never eating lunch with you again.West Lexington Street
Baltimore, Maryland [Link]

FMyLife » mikki bee says FML

Wednesday 31 December 3:24:50 UTC 2014

Today, I decided to start jogging and exercising, so I had a wonderful workout before work. Then I broke my foot at work. Goodbye exercising. FML [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Ever thought about sticking your dick in one of those Play-Doh fun factories? Well, this here's the next best thing [Silly]

Wednesday 31 December 3:11:56 UTC 2014

Silly [link] [117 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Good Guy with a Gun prevents shooting in a church [Hero]

Wednesday 31 December 2:57:37 UTC 2014

Hero [link] [169 comments] [Link]

Overheard In The Office » “Deadline” Seems Even Worse, Somehow

Wednesday 31 December 2:40:36 UTC 2014

HR head: So, when's the, uh…I guess, “drop-dead date” for your baby?Hugely pregnant admin: Uh…what? You mean the latest date before my doctor induces?HR head: Yeah. The drop-dead date.Hugely pregnant admin: Wow.Phoenix, Arizona [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Woman finds rolls of coins in old boxes left in home by her parents. Naturally, this would require a call to the bomb squad [Scary]

Wednesday 31 December 2:03:40 UTC 2014

Scary [link] [50 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Blind Seattle couple kicked off of bus because the disabled section was full. They definitely didn't see that coming [Sad]

Wednesday 31 December 1:41:03 UTC 2014

Sad [link] [74 comments] [Link]

Overheard In The Office » Tonight on WWE Smackdown: Clash of the Bureaucrats!

Wednesday 31 December 1:32:52 UTC 2014

FBI agent: Excuse me, I’m an investigator for the FBI. I would like a copy of a student’s transcript.Registrar: Ok. You need to pay a $7 transcript fee.FBI agent: Uh. I don’t think I need to pay that. I’m an investigator for the FBI.Registrar: Everybody has to pay for a transcript. FBI agent: I think I will have to speak … [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Horseshoe, rabbit's foot, your mother beaten to death at the suggestion of an occultist…what's your secret to good luck this year? [Scary]

Wednesday 31 December 1:10:18 UTC 2014

Scary [link] [41 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » San Antonio police blow up a box of Christmas ornaments. The War on Christmas™ is real, sheeple [Obvious]

Wednesday 31 December 1:09:36 UTC 2014

Obvious [link] [25 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Photoshop this awesome snow fort [Photoshop]

Wednesday 31 December 1:00:01 UTC 2014

Photoshop [link] [28 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Pubs and bars go the way of Dodo bird and compact discs. Coming up next: Fark party on Skype. Squirrel mask not mandatory [Sad]

Wednesday 31 December 0:39:10 UTC 2014

Sad [link] [112 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » "I don't know what a cop's normal Saturday or Sunday at work is like, but I doubt it involves them interviewing a naked guy on a beach with a bunch of naked people standing around them" (Not safe for work) [Strange]

Wednesday 31 December 0:39:02 UTC 2014

Strange [link] [33 comments] [Link]

Overheard In The Office » His Name Was Ibid.

Wednesday 31 December 0:26:05 UTC 2014

Coworker: I just think young people don't have good work ethnics. (a couple minutes later) My grandfather was a very interesting man. I wrote a bibliography about him.Saskatoon
Saskatchwan
Canadia [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Officials believe they know the cause of a wall collapsing under the weight of thousands of tons of salt. Perhaps it was the thousands of tons of salt [Obvious]

Wednesday 31 December 0:14:20 UTC 2014

Obvious [link] [46 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » You suspect it was your elderly neighbor who scratched your new car, so you C) knock her down and repeatedly run her over [Scary]

Wednesday 31 December 0:11:45 UTC 2014

Scary [link] [30 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » An escaped llama sparks a 6 hour chase [Amusing]

Wednesday 31 December 0:09:07 UTC 2014

Amusing [link] [30 comments] [Link]

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