John Gordon Ross

A Man for All Reasons

John Gordon Ross header image 3

Whittle It a Little, It’ll Fit

Odds and sods I look at regularly, just because they amuse me. I hope they do the same for you. Incidentally, I found this page’s title on Greg Ross’s Futility Closet (it’s somewhere on this page) in a mini-article which also includes the delightful sentence in Icelandic: Barbara Ara bar Ara araba bara rabbabara. Ross points out that this, “besides being fun to say, is spelled with only three letters. It means “Barbara, daughter of Ari, brought only rhubarb to Ari the Arab.”

FMyLife » dating a moron says FML

Sunday 14 December 23:59:59 UTC 2014

Today, as I was about to lose my virginity to my girlfriend, she started doing stupidly fake moaning, which then went really high-pitched like a little girl's, killing my hard-on. She says she thought that because I'm Japanese-American, I'd only be able to cum if she copied "those Japanese pornstars". FML [Link]

FMyLife » lopsided says FML

Sunday 14 December 23:59:57 UTC 2014

Today, I was informed that my uneven facial features make me seem "untrustworthy." Glad to know my unchangeable physical appearance doubles as a character flaw. FML [Link]

FMyLife » wallamanut says FML

Sunday 14 December 23:59:56 UTC 2014

Today, my parents decided to finally kick me out of the house because they've gotten tired of seeing me "sleep around all day and being so lazy" whenever I'm home. I'm currently triple-shifting for 6 days a week. FML [Link]

FMyLife » Anonymous says FML

Sunday 14 December 23:59:55 UTC 2014

Today, I spent well over an hour waiting for customer service to assist me with my forgotten password, only to realize, 5 minutes into the conversation, that I had never created an account in the first place. FML [Link]

Fark.com RSS » ISIS Down Under (Live Feed) [News]

Sunday 14 December 23:48:50 UTC 2014

News [link] [912 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Hipster vandal only vandalizes the hood emblem of BMWs to express anti-affluence class resistance [Strange]

Sunday 14 December 23:17:52 UTC 2014

Strange [link] [85 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Transatlantic 747 makes emergency landing due to super-hot chili peppers burning its gut, triggering fire alarm. "It was the third time this year that vegetables and flowers forced flights to divert to Shannon" [Weird]

Sunday 14 December 22:39:04 UTC 2014

Weird [link] [57 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » IRS considers returning $33k seized from woman who acted like a terrorist drug dealer by making bank deposits of less than $10k. IRS insists if the $22k is returned, she's still not declared innocent. Also, legal costs to be deducted from the $11

Sunday 14 December 22:33:10 UTC 2014

Followup [link] [71 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Finally, a hard-hitting NPR piece that will answer a question plaguing nearly everyone in the world: How can you tell if your kid is happy? [Silly]

Sunday 14 December 21:29:01 UTC 2014

Silly [link] [46 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Pot-dining in Colorado is currently illegal, but have hope: Foodies interested in marijuana dining insist the law eventually will change. "The drug pairs well with food and acceptance will grow once people stop associating pot dining with brownie

Sunday 14 December 21:23:25 UTC 2014

Spiffy [link] [72 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » State that refuses to recognize same sex marriage forces same sex couple to remain married to avoid endorsing same sex marriage [Ironic]

Sunday 14 December 21:03:21 UTC 2014

Ironic [link] [44 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Photoshop what really should be seen through the door [Photoshop]

Sunday 14 December 21:00:01 UTC 2014

Photoshop [link] [28 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Today marks the 378th birthday of the U.S. National Guard. Yes, it's older than the U.S. itself [Cool]

Sunday 14 December 20:43:16 UTC 2014

Cool [link] [32 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Two murderers escape Alabama jail after executing their daring ingenious plan of walking outside without anyone noticing [Scary]

Sunday 14 December 20:42:07 UTC 2014

Scary [link] [28 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » You know it's a major storm when it can turn Lake Tahoe into a surfer's paradise [Weird]

Sunday 14 December 20:40:33 UTC 2014

Weird [link] [10 comments] [Link]

The Oatmeal – Comics, Quizzes, & Stories » Sneak Peek VS Sneak Peak

Sunday 14 December 20:28:01 UTC 2014

Sneak Peek VS Sneak PeakA little grammar lesson.View [Link]

Weird Universe » News of the Weird, December 14, 2014

Sunday 14 December 20:09:54 UTC 2014

News of the Weird
Weirdnuz.M401, December 14, 2014
Copyright 2014 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

Lead Story

Like many in society’s subgroups, people who work in “death” industries or professions in the UK may believe it difficult to reach “like-minded” suitors. Hence, Carla Valentine established Dead Meet earlier this year and told Vice.com in October that she has drawn … [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Can you as a Farker get through the twelve pubs of Christmas? [Amusing]

Sunday 14 December 19:49:17 UTC 2014

Amusing [link] [25 comments] [Link]

FMyLife » Anonymous says FML

Sunday 14 December 19:25:46 UTC 2014

Today, it's been months since I dropped out of college to escape constantly being bullied and being miserable. Ever since then, I've been having recurring nightmares with the same people bullying me, after which I wake up crying and feeling miserable. My brain is a douchebag. FML [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Woman caught with 12 pounds of cocaine in her spare tire. Border patrol assures her it's not going to be a very good year [Fail]

Sunday 14 December 18:32:20 UTC 2014

Fail [link] [48 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Burglar caught by the hair on his chinny chin chin [Fail]

Sunday 14 December 18:27:51 UTC 2014

Fail [link] [9 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » London Bridge damaged after a car accident. Inspectors making repairs to stop it from falling down, falling down, falling down [Interesting]

Sunday 14 December 18:02:30 UTC 2014

Interesting [link] [15 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Old and busted: Expensive oil is bad for the economy. New Hotness: Cheap oil bad for the economy [Obvious]

Sunday 14 December 17:47:25 UTC 2014

Obvious [link] [135 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Meet the New York high school student who made $72 million trading stocks during his lunch breaks and now treats his friends to $400 caviar lunches [Unlikely]

Sunday 14 December 17:46:12 UTC 2014

Unlikely [link] [87 comments] [Link]

Overheard In The Office » That’s How We Write These Headlines

Sunday 14 December 17:39:31 UTC 2014

Boss: I wonder what I could accomplish if I had 10 more hours in a day and a bucket of speed.East Street
Goderich, Ontario
Canadia [Link]

Overheard In The Office » If You Know What I Mean

Sunday 14 December 17:39:30 UTC 2014

Coworker: In five seconds I’m giving up and giving my fish a bath.1275 Broadway
Albany, New YorkOverheard by: Sally [Link]

Overheard In The Office » God: ‘I’d Like to Return This Woman, Please’

Sunday 14 December 17:39:22 UTC 2014

Customer: Hi, I’d like to make a return.Cashier: Ok, do you have your receipt?Customer: Yeah, here it is.Cashier, after looking at receipt for a few seconds: Ma’am, this is from Walgreens. Customer: Oh…[looks around the store in bewilderment] Where am I?Longs Drugs
Livermore, CaliforniaOverheard by: Stephen [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Mother left her kids home all night to go out drinking and get a tattoo. Apparently some people have a problem with this [Fail]

Sunday 14 December 17:39:22 UTC 2014

Fail [link] [61 comments] [Link]

Overheard In The Office » Hey, Where'd All the White People Go?

Sunday 14 December 17:24:03 UTC 2014

African American worker #1: I don't claim African American. Who is to say I'm not Jamaican or Dominican Republic?African American worker #2: Are you serious? Look at yourself!African American worker #1: You can't make me black!Hawkinsville, Georgia [Link]

Mental Floss » 7 Incredible Things You Didn't Know Your Fingertips Could Do

Sunday 14 December 16:47:27 UTC 2014

Our fingers don’t look like they’d be powerhouses, but they are capable of some incredible things. Thanks to innovative gesture control applications made possible by Intel® RealSense™ technology that tracks the movements of all 10 of your fingers, soon there will be a whole host of world-changing feats only your fingertips can pull off. 1. Talk Directly To Your Brain … [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Roses are red, violets are blue, steal my parking space, and you'll be covered with glue [Silly]

Sunday 14 December 16:44:14 UTC 2014

Silly [link] [57 comments] [Link]

Mental Floss » Name That 'ing' Movie

Sunday 14 December 16:40:00 UTC 2014

Take the quiz! [Link]

Overheard In The Office » The Last Temptation of Chris

Sunday 14 December 16:22:36 UTC 2014

Married dude: The regular girl wasn’t there so they sent the cute one.Happily-Married dude: Uh huh, the ugly one wasn’t there so you met with the cute one.Married dude: I find her very attractive.Happily-Married dude: You are married!Married dude: But she’s paralyzed from the waist down.Happily-Married dude: You’re married! So you are paralyzed from the waist down!226 Fifth Avenue
New York, … [Link]

Mental Floss » How Marbled Paper Book Covers Were Made

Sunday 14 December 16:00:00 UTC 2014

Remember those books with swirly, patterned plates on the front and rear covers? Here's an awesome short film about the Cockerell Bindery, which produced marbled paper in a surprisingly handmade process. It's beautiful, retro, and super-British. If you just want to see the color marbling process itself, zoom ahead to 3:00 and watch the colors being applied. This is one … [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Tourists decide that instead of walking to campground toilets in heavy rain they'd drive their van… off a small cliff into a river [Fail]

Sunday 14 December 15:54:36 UTC 2014

Fail [link] [20 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Power outage caused by copper theft. Police suspect kleptomaniac Claude Cooper from Cleveland may have copped the copper [Strange]

Sunday 14 December 15:53:28 UTC 2014

Strange [link] [35 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Study finds that 25% of Wisconsonites are binge drinkers, a rate second only to North Dakota. Experts cite a myriad of complex sociological reasons for this, most predominately, what is known as the "what the fark else is there to do here?" F

Sunday 14 December 15:22:25 UTC 2014

Obvious [link] [73 comments] [Link]

Overheard In The Office » Teen Beat. Why?

Sunday 14 December 15:19:04 UTC 2014

Boss: Don't forget to include an STD with that mailing.Temp: STD?Boss: “Save The Date” card.Temp: Oh! I thought you meant “Sexually Transmitted Disease.”Boss: What kind of magazines do you read, anyway?Providence, Rhode Island [Link]

Fark.com RSS » "God save thee, little teenager, from the fiends that plague thee thus. Why look'st thou so?" With my crossbow I shot my father cross [Strange]

Sunday 14 December 15:13:10 UTC 2014

Strange [link] [27 comments] [Link]

Weird Universe » Mechanic kept flower in his mouth

Sunday 14 December 15:03:46 UTC 2014

I know that some people have the habit of holding a pen or pencil in their mouth while working. But that seems quite normal compared to holding a flower in your mouth almost continuously for 63 years.
Source: Corsicana Daily Sun – Sep 29, 1960.

[Link]

Mental Floss » Weekend Links: Have Yourself A Surreal Little Christmas

Sunday 14 December 15:00:00 UTC 2014

Salvador Dalí's surreal Christmas card designs deviate just a tad from standard Hallmark fare. * When choosing a home or arranging an office space to foster the life of the mind, aspiring intellectuals may want to take design inspiration from some of philosophy's greatest thinkers. * At the risk of putting a damper on everyone's holiday spirit, here's the surprisingly … [Link]

FMyLife » Anonymous says FML

Sunday 14 December 14:37:29 UTC 2014

Today, my mom wouldn't let me go to the YMCA pool with the rest of the family. She said that the sound my thighs make when they rub together is "embarrassing". FML [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Hey, China, what's up with all your strange buildings and your people always cutting in line? [Strange]

Sunday 14 December 14:26:38 UTC 2014

Strange [link] [64 comments] [Link]

Overheard In The Office » The Bar For Being Old School Keeps Being Lowered

Sunday 14 December 14:17:31 UTC 2014

Coworker #1: You have an AOL email address?Coworker #2: I know…So old-school.623 Fifth Avenue
New York, New York [Link]

Fark.com RSS » CSB Sunday Morning: Memories for the price of a ticket [Cool]

Sunday 14 December 14:00:01 UTC 2014

Cool [link] [59 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Photoshop these civil servants [Photoshop]

Sunday 14 December 14:00:01 UTC 2014

Photoshop [link] [10 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Someday the mushrooms that we eat might be grown in special labs and thrive on plastic waste, making you long for the good old days when they only grew in cow poop [Weird]

Sunday 14 December 13:20:09 UTC 2014

Weird [link] [26 comments] [Link]

Overheard In The Office » 1PM Lunch

Sunday 14 December 13:14:22 UTC 2014

Secretary: Well, we’re going to Jersey for that meeting, so we could go to the Village Gourmet.
Engineer: Yeah, that was good the last time.
Surveyor: Doesn’t the guy that owns that one own another one too, right down the street from the Village Gourmet?
Secretary: Yeah, but it’s really expensive, everything’s a la carte.
Engineer: What does a la … [Link]

Weird Universe » From Hell It Came

Sunday 14 December 13:08:25 UTC 2014

This not taken from the Alan Moore graphic novel. [Link]

FMyLife » konacoffee17 says FML

Sunday 14 December 12:45:00 UTC 2014

Today, I was having a nice conversation with my fiancé when he said out of nowhere, "I sold some of your panties". I thought he was joking so I said I hoped they weren't any of my favorites. He wasn't joking, though, and now some stranger from Craigslist owns my panties. FML [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Man dies after being shot in the head by police while laying face down on the ground during drug raid where no drugs were found. Wife wants someone held responsible [Followup]

Sunday 14 December 12:20:02 UTC 2014

Followup [link] [183 comments] [Link]

Overheard In The Office » My Notoriety's Already Gotten Chlamydia Four Times

Sunday 14 December 12:08:10 UTC 2014

Gossip queen: So, Nate, saw you and Erin left during lunch together. What's goin' on there?Nate: Nothin'.Gossip queen: Oh, I get it. Wink. (walks away)Nate to John: When did eating lunch with someone correlate to having penetrated them? I swear to god, my reputation gets laid about 300% more than I do.John: Wink.Philadelphia, PennsylvaniaOverheard by: me [Link]

Overheard In The Office » Because That Would Be Awesome

Sunday 14 December 11:04:23 UTC 2014

Marketing girl: I also want to know why my salad tastes like bacon.CSR: Maybe bacon bits are in it?Marketing girl: Nope, I made it myself… My croutons taste like bacon.CSR: Is that a come-on?Waltham, Massachusetts [Link]

Fark.com RSS » What are you most talented at? [Survey]

Sunday 14 December 10:37:00 UTC 2014

Survey [link] [198 comments] [Link]

FMyLife » ashamed says FML

Sunday 14 December 9:48:28 UTC 2014

Today, my dad and grandpa came to a charity event that I helped set up for people who have autism. I appreciated their support, until I heard my dad say "Man, some of these 'tards are pretty hot." and my grandpa replying "Yeah. Probably like dead fish in bed, though." FML [Link]

FMyLife » Anonymous says FML

Sunday 14 December 9:14:36 UTC 2014

Today, my vegan girlfriend openly admitted that she'd let me die if she had to choose between saving my life or an animal's. She actually seemed confused as to why that upset me. FML [Link]

Fark.com RSS » "I'm telling you, putting out Leon's toilet paper is no different than putting out T-bone steaks" [Hero]

Sunday 14 December 8:10:53 UTC 2014

Hero [link] [39 comments] [Link]

Futility Closet » Black and White

Sunday 14 December 6:47:52 UTC 2014

A rather baroque problem by Émile Leonard Pradignat. White to mate in two moves. Click for solution … [Link]

FMyLife » Anonymous says FML

Sunday 14 December 4:21:29 UTC 2014

Today, after months of saving, I went to buy the wedding ring I promised to buy my fiancée. Just seconds after I walked in, the owner asked me to leave, saying he doesn't serve "trash" like me, while pointing at the memorial tattoo on the back of my hand. FML [Link]

Fark.com RSS » If you are going to celebrate your 21st birthday with a racist birthday cake, don't post it on Instagram, University of Maryland sorority [PSA]

Sunday 14 December 3:45:10 UTC 2014

PSA [link] [219 comments] [Link]

Overheard In The Office » Are You As Turned on As I Am?

Sunday 14 December 2:35:23 UTC 2014

Boss to client worried about the stock market: I ride it up, I ride it down, I pull it out, it goes up, now I'm chasing its tail.Bethesda, MarylandOverheard by: A little disgusted [Link]

Overheard In The Office » Yes, Always. Why Do You Ask?

Sunday 14 December 2:35:22 UTC 2014

Doctor: Women come into my office at least once a month and completely lose it — blubbering all over the place. I had one in here today.Wife: Are they married?Chandler, ArizonaOverheard by: Office Manager [Link]

Overheard In The Office » Why All Gelatin Is Male.

Sunday 14 December 2:35:21 UTC 2014

Cubicle girl #1: Damn! No toilet paper!Cubicle girl #2, hesistantly: No. None in here, either.Cubicle girl #1: Argh, I'll just have to wiggle. (pause) I hate wiggling! (pause) Only boys should have to wiggle.Girls' Toilets
EnglandOverheard by: Disturbed Toilet User [Link]

Overheard In The Office » In Addition to the One Labeled “Important Fire Safety Instructions”

Sunday 14 December 2:35:20 UTC 2014

Manager: What time is my meeting with you?Employee: I don't know. I got your e-mail, but didn't know you were talking about, so I deleted it.Broadway & Walker
New York CityOverheard by: office peon hates meetings [Link]

Overheard In The Office » …Will “Hi, Ho” Be an Acceptable Workplace Greeting

Sunday 14 December 2:35:19 UTC 2014

Female employee: (unintelligible)Male employee, testily: Well. Not until we hire a dwarf.Chicago, IllinoisOverheard by: Jamie B. [Link]

Overheard In The Office » 9AM The Mornings Keep Coming

Sunday 14 December 2:35:18 UTC 2014

Secretary: Good morning, Mr. [Stirner].
Caseworker: Good morning. Oh shit! What happened to your hair?
Secretary: Nothing, why?
Caseworker: Everytime I see you, your hair is a different color. what color will it be tomorrow?
Secretary: I haven’t decided. What color do you suggest? Green, purple, gold? 815 Broadway
Brooklyn, New York Overheard by: BabyGirl [Link]

FMyLife » ehxtraordinarily pissed says FML

Sunday 14 December 2:11:08 UTC 2014

Today, my Canadian friend is staying a few days at my parents' house. I drove him from the airport, only to find my idiot dad had decked the spare room out with maple syrup bottles. He keeps saying "eh" all the time and asked "What's he so upset aboot?" when my friend was offended. FML [Link]

Overheard In The Office » 10AM Work on Prints

Sunday 14 December 2:04:49 UTC 2014

Engineer: How much longer will you be using those prints?
Safety Manager: Five minutes.
Engineer: What if I borrow them for three minutes and then give them back to you?
Safety Manager: I’d say yes, but you won’t give them back in three minutes. So, no, you can’t borrow them.
Engineer: You’re so much like your dad, it’s not even … [Link]

Overheard In The Office » He'll Work Hard for Her

Sunday 14 December 1:00:02 UTC 2014

Woman #1: Do you know Dick?Woman #2: Sounds familiar.Woman #1: He's got his hands in everything. I should put her in touch with Dick.Greeley, Colorado [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Photoshop this ginormous system error [Photoshop]

Sunday 14 December 1:00:01 UTC 2014

Photoshop [link] [21 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » France: One small step for euthanasia or one giant step toward "Logan's Run"? [Interesting]

Sunday 14 December 0:50:53 UTC 2014

Interesting [link] [121 comments] [Link]

FMyLife » Anonymous says FML

Sunday 14 December 0:49:47 UTC 2014

Today, my girlfriend confessed that she's been cheating on me for the past two months. Apparently she thought I'd take it well, because when I yelled at her for being a heartless bitch, she stuttered "S-sike!" and tried to play it off as a prank. She's acting like we're still dating. FML [Link]

FMyLife » giantcuntflaps says FML

Sunday 14 December 0:33:31 UTC 2014

Today, I was trying to turn my boyfriend on with dirty texts. When he said "I'm horny," I teasingly replied, "Whoops, did I do that?" His reply? "Huh? Naw i'm watching sum porn". FML [Link]

Fark.com RSS » News: Minnesota county rejects atheist group's application to perform civil marriage ceremonies. Fark: Accepts Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and Church of the Latter Day Dude [Silly]

Sunday 14 December 0:18:57 UTC 2014

Silly [link] [87 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » On second thought, all dogs do not go to heaven. Sorry, Fido [Followup]

Sunday 14 December 0:09:04 UTC 2014

Followup [link] [86 comments] [Link]

Archive

29 Mar 2024  28 Mar 2024  27 Mar 2024  26 Mar 2024  25 Mar 2024  24 Mar 2024  23 Mar 2024  22 Mar 2024  21 Mar 2024  20 Mar 2024  19 Mar 2024  18 Mar 2024  17 Mar 2024  16 Mar 2024  15 Mar 2024  14 Mar 2024  13 Mar 2024  12 Mar 2024  11 Mar 2024  10 Mar 2024  09 Mar 2024  08 Mar 2024  07 Mar 2024  06 Mar 2024  05 Mar 2024  04 Mar 2024  03 Mar 2024  02 Mar 2024  01 Mar 2024  29 Feb 2024  28 Feb 2024  27 Feb 2024  

No Comments

0 responses so far ↓

  • There are no comments yet...Kick things off by filling out the form below.

You must log in to post a comment.