John Gordon Ross

A Man for All Reasons

John Gordon Ross header image 3

Whittle It a Little, It’ll Fit

Odds and sods I look at regularly, just because they amuse me. I hope they do the same for you. Incidentally, I found this page’s title on Greg Ross’s Futility Closet (it’s somewhere on this page) in a mini-article which also includes the delightful sentence in Icelandic: Barbara Ara bar Ara araba bara rabbabara. Ross points out that this, “besides being fun to say, is spelled with only three letters. It means “Barbara, daughter of Ari, brought only rhubarb to Ari the Arab.”

FMyLife » Anonymous says FML

Sunday 5 October 23:59:31 UTC 2014

Today, this girl I've been talking to texted me, saying she was going to visit. Trying to be sweet, I bought her $50 worth of chocolate and a cute card. Turns out she meant to send that text to her ex. Seems like the only thing I'll get from this relationship is diabetes. FML [Link]

FMyLife » Anonymous says FML

Sunday 5 October 23:34:01 UTC 2014

Today, I woke up to a mouse sitting on my pillow and chewing on my hair. FML [Link]

Mental Floss » 15 Things You Might Not Know About Maine

Sunday 5 October 23:00:23 UTC 2014

1. Maine is the only state that borders just one other state—New Hampshire. 2. Maine’s Machias Seal Island and North Rock in the Gulf of Maine are among the four areas of disputed territory between the United States and Canada, and the only ones that contain land. The disagreement stems from dueling interpretations of the 1783 Treaty of Paris, … [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Fifteen new laws that have taken effect this month in Fark's favorite state [Florida]

Sunday 5 October 22:57:01 UTC 2014

Florida [link] [72 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Taste of Africa Dallas? Too soon? [Fail]

Sunday 5 October 22:53:16 UTC 2014

Fail [link] [50 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Senior Taliban official denies being in Pakistan after failing to realize he had "location enabled" on his Twitter app [Dumbass]

Sunday 5 October 22:41:53 UTC 2014

Dumbass [link] [42 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Today is the 100th anniversary of the first air combat victory. It was by a Frenchman. Bonus: the cape [Cool]

Sunday 5 October 22:32:03 UTC 2014

Cool [link] [36 comments] [Link]

Mental Floss » 15 Things You Might Not Know About Lousiana

Sunday 5 October 22:01:00 UTC 2014

1. La Louisiane, named for Louis XIV of France, became a French colony in 1682 and passed to Spain in 1763. It was ceded back to France in 1800 and became part of the United States following the Louisiana Purchase of 1803. 2. Louisiana might be the biggest bargain in American history. In 1803, the U.S. paid $15 million for … [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Hipsters now embracing "Dumb Phones" in an attempt to resemble this headline's tag [Ironic]

Sunday 5 October 21:36:11 UTC 2014

Ironic [link] [203 comments] [Link]

FMyLife » Anonymous says FML

Sunday 5 October 21:05:13 UTC 2014

Today, the guy I really like acknowledged my existence for the first time. Too bad it was through a text saying "lol ur a fat fukc". FML [Link]

FMyLife » fucksake says FML

Sunday 5 October 21:05:12 UTC 2014

Today, at age 31, I was about to finally lose my virginity. As we tumbled onto the bed, an excruciating pain shot through my stomach. It turned out to be a hernia, and no, I didn't get laid in the end. FML [Link]

FMyLife » Anonymous says FML

Sunday 5 October 21:05:11 UTC 2014

Today, I got on one knee in front of my girlfriend. I pulled out the ring, uttered the words "Lisa, will you…" then abruptly shat my pants. FML [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Not news: You give money to a panhandler every day. News: The 78-year-old woman claims to be a widow and can't afford food. Fark: Only to find out that her car is better than yours (with video) [Strange]

Sunday 5 October 21:02:08 UTC 2014

Strange [link] [196 comments] [Link]

Mental Floss » 15 Things You Might Not Know About Hawaii

Sunday 5 October 20:49:52 UTC 2014

1. There are only 13 letters in the Hawaiian alphabet and every word—and syllable—ends with one of five vowels. 2. That apostrophe-like mark you see in some Hawaiian words is called an ʻokina. It's a consonant that signifies a slight pause. If two words seem to be spelled exactly alike, but one has an ʻokina, you're looking at two different … [Link]

Mental Floss » 15 Things You Might Not Know About Illinois

Sunday 5 October 20:49:49 UTC 2014

1. Illinois gets its name from the native Illiniwek people. The name translates to "ordinary speaker." 2. The state is the country's largest producer of pumpkins, second-largest producer of corn, and leading producer of arguments about whether or not ketchup is an acceptable condiment for a hot dog. 3. Speaking of Chicago's signature delicacies, if you're in the neighborhood, try … [Link]

Mental Floss » 15 Things You Might Not Know About Indiana

Sunday 5 October 20:49:48 UTC 2014

1. Though it is seldom mentioned in the comic strip or cartoon series, "Garfield" takes place in Muncie. The television special Happy Birthday, Garfield mentions Muncie — where creator Jim Davis went to college — as Garfield and owner Jon Arbuckle’s place of residence. 2. Indiana sits atop one of the richest concentrations of limestone on the planet, and prides … [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Your childhood continues to die: Swings removed from Washington school because "they're too dangerous" [Sad]

Sunday 5 October 20:47:51 UTC 2014

Sad [link] [134 comments] [Link]

Mental Floss » 15 Things You Might Not Know About Kentucky

Sunday 5 October 20:31:11 UTC 2014

1. Kentucky Bend is an odd little geographic quirk of the state. At the far southwestern tip of Kentucky, the tiny exclave of Fulton County sits in a meander of the Mississippi River. As an exclave, it’s a portion of Kentucky that doesn’t touch any other part of the state. Kentucky Bend is bordered by Tennessee to the south and … [Link]

Mental Floss » 15 Things You Might Not Know About Idaho

Sunday 5 October 20:30:58 UTC 2014

1. Idaho's known for its potatoes, but its official nickname is the Gem State. Some 72 different precious and semi-precious gemstones have been found there. 2. One of them is the star garnet. It's only found in abundance in two places in the world: Idaho and India. 3. Idaho also supplies the majority of the nation's trout. 4. Wondering how … [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Photoshop what's missing from this horizon [Photoshop]

Sunday 5 October 20:00:01 UTC 2014

Photoshop [link] [36 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » The authorities have misplaced someone who had contact with the Ebola patient in Texas. Prepare to panic in 3…2… [Followup]

Sunday 5 October 19:31:59 UTC 2014

Followup [link] [92 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Chicago clearly isn't going to worry about Ebola or even give it consideration, as twenty-two were shot this weekend and three were killed in the plague of constant weekend gun violence that would make even ISIS embarrassed [Followup]

Sunday 5 October 19:01:45 UTC 2014

Followup [link] [128 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » That patient who was "cured" of Ebola in Omaha? Yeah, he's back in isolation in Massachusetts. So everybody…remain calm and try not to touch any bodily fluids that aren't your own [Followup]

Sunday 5 October 18:54:47 UTC 2014

Followup [link] [78 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » For the third time this week, NYPD officer fatally shoots Knife-Wielding Man [Scary]

Sunday 5 October 18:00:53 UTC 2014

Scary [link] [66 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Don't you just hate pledge week? Pledge conference in Cairo next week seeks $4 billion to rebuild Gaza. "And with a gift of $100 million, you get the Best of Tareq Abboushi and your choice of a ten pound box of figs, or dates" [Sad]

Sunday 5 October 17:39:44 UTC 2014

Sad [link] [62 comments] [Link]

Mental Floss » 15 Things You Might Not Know About Florida

Sunday 5 October 17:31:25 UTC 2014

1. The first Thanksgiving might have actually been celebrated in Florida, not Plymouth. In The Cross in the Sand, historian Michael Gannon argues that a Spanish explorer celebrated a version of Thanksgiving with Timacua Indians in 1565—56 years before the first feast at Plymouth. Guests reportedly dined on bean soup. 2. In 1998, Florida passed a law requiring daycare centers … [Link]

Fark.com RSS » A master's degreed Sea World biologist with no criminal record has been sent to prison for twenty years after firing a warning shot at a teen thug coming at his wife and daughters in his own house. Stand your ground, my ass [Florida]

Sunday 5 October 17:14:55 UTC 2014

Florida [link] [312 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Actual headline: "World porridge champion hails his spurtle." With pic of world porridge champion hailing his spurtle (SFW spurtle pics) [Strange]

Sunday 5 October 17:14:42 UTC 2014

Strange [link] [30 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » College students break the record for world's largest pillow fight. It's not as hot as you'd expect, but definitely a lot of fun [Spiffy]

Sunday 5 October 15:34:35 UTC 2014

Spiffy [link] [14 comments] [Link]

Mental Floss » 15 Things You Might Not Know About Delaware

Sunday 5 October 15:33:00 UTC 2014

1. As anyone from the state will proudly tell you, Delaware was the first state: it was the first to ratify the Constitution, in 1787. 2. Delaware is simultaneously the sixth most densely populated state and the sixth least populated state. This has to do with its small size—Delaware is only 1,983 square miles, making it the second smallest state … [Link]

Mental Floss » 15 Things You Might Not Know About Georgia

Sunday 5 October 15:31:00 UTC 2014

1. Georgia was founded in 1732 by British Member of Parliament James Oglethorpe as a felon colony. Oglethorpe wanted to use the colony as a place for prisoners who could not pay their debts. The social reformer believed that many debtors were released back into cities without any form of support. He wanted to take these people and give them … [Link]

Mental Floss » Weekend Links: Old Book Smell

Sunday 5 October 15:26:50 UTC 2014

Thank you, chemical degradation, for that sweet, distinctive "old book smell." * The math involved in calculating "dog years" versus "human years" doesn't add up. * Nothing tastes of fall quite like the first crisp bite into a fresh apple, but try branching out from the typical Red Delicious with a more exciting variety of the best apples for eating … [Link]

Fark.com RSS » I'll see your $30 school lunch bill costing $800, and raise with a $115 photocopying bill costing $200,000 [Stupid]

Sunday 5 October 14:49:10 UTC 2014

Stupid [link] [82 comments] [Link]

Weird Universe » News of the Weird (October 5, 2014)

Sunday 5 October 14:23:27 UTC 2014

News of the Weird
Weirdnuz.M391, October 5, 2014
Copyright 2014 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

Lead Story

Professional Biology Research: The job of determining stress levels in whales is itself apparently stressful. The most reliable information about tension lies in hormones most accurately measured by researchers’ boarding a boat and sidling up to a whale and waiting until it … [Link]

Weird Universe » Buttleopener forces resignation

Sunday 5 October 13:35:48 UTC 2014


Mark Gregory invented the Buttleopener, which is a bottle opener shaped like a woman's buttocks. Gregory also served as a member of the Williamson County school board in Tennessee, recently rising to become chairman. But the two aspects of his life (buttleopener inventor and school board chairman) have proven to be incompatible. Gregory recently resigned his position as chairman, bowing … [Link]

FMyLife » SadMother says FML

Sunday 5 October 13:07:08 UTC 2014

Today, I overheard my daughter talking to her boyfriend over the phone about having sex. She said, "You have to piss on me to get me pregnant, that's what I heard anyway." She's 16. FML [Link]

Fark.com RSS » The airline passenger at Newark turned out to be having symptoms that were not related to Ebola. Everybody dis-panic [Followup]

Sunday 5 October 13:06:04 UTC 2014

Followup [link] [90 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Photoshop this castle in the woods [Photoshop]

Sunday 5 October 13:00:01 UTC 2014

Photoshop [link] [13 comments] [Link]

Mental Floss » A Brief History of Honeybee Colony Collapse

Sunday 5 October 13:00:00 UTC 2014

In early 2007, beekeepers in the U.S. began to notice an alarming problem: their bees were disappearing. In many cases, colonies would empty out overnight, the workers abandoning their posts, leaving the queen alone (or nearly so). In the years since, scientists and beekeepers have worked together to isolate the causes of what we now call "Colony Collapse Disorder." Although … [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Investigation finds that the only thing worse than prison food is hospital food. Ric Romero nods approvingly, orders takeout [Obvious]

Sunday 5 October 12:52:52 UTC 2014

Obvious [link] [38 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Doctor to patient: The x-ray shows an acupuncture needle in your stomach. When did you last have acupuncture? Patient: 40 years ago [Scary]

Sunday 5 October 12:49:33 UTC 2014

Scary [link] [15 comments] [Link]

Mental Floss » 15 Things You Might Not Know About Colorado

Sunday 5 October 12:43:03 UTC 2014

1. Colorado is known as the Centennial State because it was founded in 1876—100 years after the signing of the Declaration of Independence. 2. Many restaurants claim to have invented the cheeseburger, but it was Colorado resident Louis Ballast of the Humpty Dumpty Drive-In in Denver who named it. (He tried to trademark the term in 1935 but was denied.) … [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Alcohol damages sperm…Blah… blah… blah… WTF… Danish men must provide a sperm sample to be deemed fit to serve in the military? [Strange]

Sunday 5 October 12:31:08 UTC 2014

Strange [link] [46 comments] [Link]

Weird Universe » American Cornball

Sunday 5 October 12:23:24 UTC 2014

Christopher Miller's new book is a must-have for any WU-vie, detailing with comprehensive wit all the old humor tropes that once delighted millions, but are now just plain weird, but with a residual underlying universality.

Read a sample here.

[Link]

Fark.com RSS » "Officials said the captain of the bubble, Reza Baluchi, was asking which way Bermuda was" [Florida]

Sunday 5 October 12:15:39 UTC 2014

Florida [link] [44 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Russian student seeks asylum in the U.S., so Soviet Union says no more exchange students, nyet, not yours [Obvious]

Sunday 5 October 12:02:07 UTC 2014

Obvious [link] [74 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Artist who who creates 'invisible art' turns out to be her own masterpiece [Ironic]

Sunday 5 October 11:12:36 UTC 2014

Ironic [link] [85 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » If your Comcast security system does not activate, please have the intruders reset the system and remain at the residence until a technician arrives, usually between the hours of 9 and 5 [Scary]

Sunday 5 October 9:38:58 UTC 2014

Scary [link] [97 comments] [Link]

Mental Floss » 15 Things You Might Not Know About Connecticut

Sunday 5 October 9:28:52 UTC 2014

1. The word “Connecticut” is an anglicized spelling of the Algonquian word “quinnitukqut,” roughly meaning “at the long tidal river.” 2. Connecticut is officially known as the Constitution State, referring to the state government-establishing Fundamental Orders of Connecticut. Written in 1639, the Fundamental Orders is considered history's first written constitution. Connecticut is also known as the "Nutmeg State." Traditionally, sailors … [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Bachelorette party goes off the rails after the bridesmaids attack a woman over how she held a hot dog [Silly]

Sunday 5 October 8:04:49 UTC 2014

Silly [link] [71 comments] [Link]

Futility Closet » Catch as Catch Can

Sunday 5 October 6:56:07 UTC 2014

Claude Shannon, the father of information theory, took an active interest in juggling. He used to juggle balls while riding a unicycle through the halls of Bell Laboratories, and he built the first juggling robot from an Erector set in the 1970s. (The machine above mimics W.C. Fields, who himself juggled in vaudeville before turning to comedy.) Noting that juggling … [Link]

Mental Floss » 15 Things You Might Not Know About Arkansas

Sunday 5 October 6:30:00 UTC 2014

1. Arkansas prides itself for being the world capital of a variety of things, including quartz (this honor is attributed specifically to the Mount Ida area), spinach (Alma), folk music (Mountain View), and archery bow production (Pine Bluff). 2. As of July 2014, Camden, Arkansas is home to the oldest living American and second-oldest living person in the world. Born in 1898, … [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Authorities quickly stop slow, inexorable giant snail invasion [Florida]

Sunday 5 October 5:57:45 UTC 2014

Florida [link] [46 comments] [Link]

Mental Floss » 15 Things You Might Not Know About Arizona

Sunday 5 October 5:31:00 UTC 2014

1. Texas might lay claim to NASA, and Nevada to the mysterious Area 51, but Arizona has its share of achievements in the outer space game. Pluto was discovered from the Lowell Observatory in Flagstaff in 1930 (by observatory newbie Clyde Tombaugh, following founder Percival Lowell’s 24-year-long hunt for the planet). 2. Speaking of space, Arizona boasts a particularly noteworthy meteorite … [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Coming up at the top of the hour it's Livingston Stapler Company Presents. 2 hours of amazing music hosted live by a farker [Spiffy]

Sunday 5 October 4:58:16 UTC 2014

Spiffy [link] [361 comments] [Link]

Mental Floss » 15 Things You Might Not Know About California

Sunday 5 October 4:47:35 UTC 2014

1. California joined the United States with the signing of the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo, which ended the Mexican-American War, in 1848. The U.S. paid Mexico $15 million for war damages. In turn, Mexico ceded nearly half of its territory, including California, Arizona, New Mexico, Texas, and parts of Colorado, Nevada, and Utah. California officially became a state (the 31st) … [Link]

Mental Floss » 15 Things You Might Not Know About Alaska

Sunday 5 October 4:47:34 UTC 2014

1. Alaska is the least densely populated state in the union, which makes sense when you consider that it is both the largest and the fourth-least populated. If New York City had the same population density as Alaska, only 28 people would be living in Manhattan. 2. Diomede, a city on Little Diomede Island in the Bering Strait off … [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Aeromexico rides a little lower [Scary]

Sunday 5 October 4:32:10 UTC 2014

Scary [link] [52 comments] [Link]

Mental Floss » 15 Things You Might Not Know About Alabama

Sunday 5 October 4:01:45 UTC 2014

1. Two Revolutionary War battles were fought in Mobile, Alabama (which was called West Florida at the time). The first was the 1780 Battle of Fort Charlotte, during which Spanish supporters of colonial independence attacked and seized a British Fort near Mobile. The second standoff, known as the Battle of Mobile, occurred a year later when the British attempted to … [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Getting in drunken bar fights and being beaten by the local cops is no way to go through life. ESPECIALLY, if you're a Highway Patrol officer [Fail]

Sunday 5 October 3:28:38 UTC 2014

Fail [link] [43 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » New study finds that birds and bees may suffer long-term consequences due to pesticides, marriage [Interesting]

Sunday 5 October 3:02:04 UTC 2014

Interesting [link] [41 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Seventeen-year-old "Good child" arrested for raping 69 year old male jogger. "I know he didn't do it," his mother said. "He ain't a pedophile," another family member said [Obvious]

Sunday 5 October 1:18:27 UTC 2014

Obvious [link] [228 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Bird-eating frogs hop east through Montana, threatening the last free state: North Dakota [PSA]

Sunday 5 October 1:05:43 UTC 2014

PSA [link] [28 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » When pulling off your daring heist of two PlayStation consoles from a Target that you broke into, you might want to have a better escape plan than just running into the woods behind the store [Florida]

Sunday 5 October 0:47:29 UTC 2014

Florida [link] [14 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Bad: You have a nasty car crash. Good: You manage to crawl out of the vehicle unharmed. Bad: Just to be run over by your own wife who rushed to the scene to help you [Fail]

Sunday 5 October 0:35:30 UTC 2014

Fail [link] [40 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Photoshop this diplomacy [Photoshop]

Sunday 5 October 0:00:01 UTC 2014

Photoshop [link] [20 comments] [Link]

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