John Gordon Ross

A Man for All Reasons

John Gordon Ross header image 3

Whittle It a Little, It’ll Fit

Odds and sods I look at regularly, just because they amuse me. I hope they do the same for you. Incidentally, I found this page’s title on Greg Ross’s Futility Closet (it’s somewhere on this page) in a mini-article which also includes the delightful sentence in Icelandic: Barbara Ara bar Ara araba bara rabbabara. Ross points out that this, “besides being fun to say, is spelled with only three letters. It means “Barbara, daughter of Ari, brought only rhubarb to Ari the Arab.”

Fark.com RSS » Update: Boob #3 on the woman with three boobs is officially fake, according to the police report from last week when she reported it stolen along with her luggage at the Tampa International Airport. Some fine journalism there, Lou [Followup]

Tuesday 23 September 23:36:09 UTC 2014

Followup [link] [113 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » People seeking licenses to grow marijuana range from "Cheech and Chong types" to hedge fund managers [Followup]

Tuesday 23 September 23:25:43 UTC 2014

Followup [link] [25 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » If going on a drunken rampage through a church and swimming half-naked in the holy water is wrong, then I don't want to be right [Dumbass]

Tuesday 23 September 23:23:19 UTC 2014

Dumbass [link] [25 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Those runaway Afghan soldiers visited a strip club then headed for Canada when they saw what Americans look like naked [Followup]

Tuesday 23 September 23:13:35 UTC 2014

Followup [link] [54 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Woman charged with felony after chewing through back seat of police car [Strange]

Tuesday 23 September 23:10:31 UTC 2014

Strange [link] [24 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Guy arrested at Sonic Drive-in for using counterfeit cash. This is not a $2 bill story [Dumbass]

Tuesday 23 September 23:07:22 UTC 2014

Dumbass [link] [21 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Dog finds out just how deep the rabbit hole goes [Cool]

Tuesday 23 September 23:06:13 UTC 2014

Cool [link] [25 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Today in 'old man yells at cloud,' CNBC's Jake Novak gets to the bottom of all of millennials' problems: They're just losers with tattoos [Dumbass]

Tuesday 23 September 22:41:02 UTC 2014

Dumbass [link] [208 comments] [Link]

FMyLife » catgiraffegirl says FML

Tuesday 23 September 22:32:54 UTC 2014

Today, I had to inform my roommate that dry shampoo, deodorant, and perfume are not the same as a shower. It's been two weeks. FML [Link]

FMyLife » danceinconverse says FML

Tuesday 23 September 22:32:53 UTC 2014

Today, I saw my boyfriend wiping his nose with his hand and then using the snot to gel back his hair. FML [Link]

FMyLife » Anonymous says FML

Tuesday 23 September 22:32:52 UTC 2014

Today, my boss changed some company calendar settings on my computer to see what they'd be like. He didn't like it, so he told me to change it back, then left. I have no idea what he changed. FML [Link]

FMyLife » Anonymous says FML

Tuesday 23 September 22:32:51 UTC 2014

Today, my date ditched me and showed up with another guy at the same restaurant. She even tried to take the reservation. FML [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Humane Society accuses Kohl's of committing a faux pas because they are selling jackets labelled as being trimmed with faux fur, only the fur ain't so faux [Interesting]

Tuesday 23 September 22:24:37 UTC 2014

Interesting [link] [44 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Realizing that they've been out-villainous-assholed by ISIS and are losing front page headline status, Boko Haram decides to release a portion of the 200 schoolgirls they abducted back in April [Followup]

Tuesday 23 September 22:21:05 UTC 2014

Followup [link] [31 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Psst. Hey pal. I got 748 gallons of primo hydro here that just fell off the back of a truck. You interested? [Scary]

Tuesday 23 September 22:07:53 UTC 2014

Scary [link] [71 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » "Welcome to Costco, I love you." Err… well maybe not that guy [Fail]

Tuesday 23 September 21:45:14 UTC 2014

Fail [link] [285 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Geo-engineering an island into a 'sustainable Eden' may have challenges, but you don't have to be an Oracle to see that coming [Interesting]

Tuesday 23 September 21:35:24 UTC 2014

Interesting [link] [34 comments] [Link]

The Onion » American Voices: Alaska Reporter Quits On Air To Become Cannabis Campaigner

Tuesday 23 September 20:45:00 UTC 2014

After announcing, “Fuck it, I quit,” Anchorage local news reporter Charlo Greene left her job on air Sunday night to campaign full-time for the legalization of recreational marijuana in Alaska.
[Link]

Fark.com RSS » Good news: there's a brand new way for idiots to hurt themselves on camera (Warning: Graphic images in article) [Stupid]

Tuesday 23 September 20:42:48 UTC 2014

Stupid [link] [129 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Apparently, "going postal" is being privatized [Sad]

Tuesday 23 September 20:13:12 UTC 2014

Sad [link] [81 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » South Africa's pro-women, pro-gay mosque shut down four days after opening. Because nobody bothered to check local bylaws on parking [Fail]

Tuesday 23 September 20:11:02 UTC 2014

Fail [link] [46 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Photoshop this fashion statement [Photoshop]

Tuesday 23 September 20:00:01 UTC 2014

Photoshop [link] [18 comments] [Link]

Mental Floss » 4 Other Notable White House Security Breaches

Tuesday 23 September 20:00:01 UTC 2014

While ostensibly a fortress and one of the most heavily defended buildings in the world, the White House gets a lot of visitors who aren’t exactly on State Dinner guest lists. [Link]

Mental Floss » 15 Incredible Destinations for Fall Foliage

Tuesday 23 September 19:58:59 UTC 2014

As summer fades and cool air fills our lungs, nothing beats gazing at a warm rainbow of autumn leaves. [Link]

Mental Floss » The Missing Links: Staying Positive

Tuesday 23 September 19:58:58 UTC 2014

Staying Positive Here’s how to trick your brain into staying positive—but it probably won’t work and it’s dumb and nothing ever works and shut up. * Blood Money ISIS makes $3 million every single day. Here’s how they do it. * May the Force Be With You… In the form of a pair of headphones. Check out these eight silly … [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Hearing the global outcry for wider availability of airline food, it's Lufthansa to the rescue [Fail]

Tuesday 23 September 19:48:09 UTC 2014

Fail [link] [63 comments] [Link]

The Oatmeal – Comics, Quizzes, & Stories » Strength and determination will lead to a better you

Tuesday 23 September 19:43:32 UTC 2014

Strength and determination will lead to a better youView [Link]

Mental Floss » Steven Soderbergh's "Raiders of the Lost Ark"

Tuesday 23 September 19:30:10 UTC 2014

Steven Soderbergh wants you to watch "Raiders of the Lost Ark" in black and white, without dialogue. [Link]

Futility Closet » Small Wonder

Tuesday 23 September 19:28:05 UTC 2014

Image: Wikimedia Commons Playing baseball for the St. Louis Browns, Eddie Gaedel had a career on-base percentage of 1.000, but most people have never heard of him. Why? Because he had only one at-bat. Gaedel was a dwarf signed by the Browns as a publicity stunt in 1951. He had a legitimate contract, so the umpire had to let him play, … [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Apparently "Don't bite the hand that (literally) feeds you" is a tough idiom to translate into Korean, or North Koreans are far stupider than previously thought as the NK coast guard seizes a Chinese fishing boat and demands a ransom for

Tuesday 23 September 19:02:15 UTC 2014

Stupid [link] [119 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » In Seattle, you can be fined for not separating your food trash from your trash trash. To be fair, this is Seattle, so it can be difficult to tell which is which [Interesting]

Tuesday 23 September 19:01:54 UTC 2014

Interesting [link] [133 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » After pipe bursts, Canadian town gets sprayed with hydrochloric acid mist. "We always get funny smells around here" [Scary]

Tuesday 23 September 19:00:17 UTC 2014

Scary [link] [42 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Gun control is so effective in Britain that criminals are now down to mailing bullets to people they want to shoot [Interesting]

Tuesday 23 September 18:58:59 UTC 2014

Interesting [link] [65 comments] [Link]

The Onion » American Voices: Pop-Tarts Turn 50

Tuesday 23 September 18:56:39 UTC 2014

This week marks the 50th anniversary of the invention of Pop-Tarts, Kellogg’s popular toaster breakfast pastries.
[Link]

Fark.com RSS » Japanese police confiscate hundreds of pairs of camera shoes, effectively ending sexual perversion in the country forever [Amusing]

Tuesday 23 September 18:51:43 UTC 2014

Amusing [link] [48 comments] [Link]

Mental Floss » A True Guide to Scotch, with Gabriel Cardarella

Tuesday 23 September 18:42:05 UTC 2014

Brought to you by Dewar’s Scotch Whisky [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Israeli forces kill suspects involved in death of teens who were killed in revenge for death of Palestinian. Well, I guess that's all settled, then, glad that mess is all over with now [Followup]

Tuesday 23 September 18:40:08 UTC 2014

Followup [link] [106 comments] [Link]

The Oatmeal – Comics, Quizzes, & Stories » How little bees take on enormous hornets

Tuesday 23 September 18:36:03 UTC 2014

How little bees take on enormous hornetsI wrote a comic about Japanese Honeybees and how they combat Japanese Giant Hornets.View [Link]

Fark.com RSS » You might want to sit down for this, but it looks like the St. Louis police union doesn't much care for the idea of having its officers wear body cameras. Because, you know, budgets. Yeah, budgets, that's the ticket [Unlikely]

Tuesday 23 September 18:31:02 UTC 2014

Unlikely [link] [190 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » And here we go, the next installment in Slate's important series, "life tips for total morons" [Stupid]

Tuesday 23 September 18:28:17 UTC 2014

Stupid [link] [80 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Sometimes selling your place as a destination is all in the font you use in your advertising [Fail]

Tuesday 23 September 18:11:57 UTC 2014

Fail [link] [53 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » If you climb a fence, go through some hedges, and jump 18 feet down into a moat, don't be surprised if the tiger on the other side decides to come and play with you. To death [Dumbass]

Tuesday 23 September 18:03:22 UTC 2014

Dumbass [link] [71 comments] [Link]

Mental Floss » Autumnal Equinox Traditions

Tuesday 23 September 17:42:07 UTC 2014

Today is the autumnal equinox in the Northern Hemisphere, the point after which the nights become longer than the days, as the North Pole tilts away from the sun. We commonly know it as the first day of fall, although we’ve said goodbye to summer already in the rites of Labor Day and the beginning of the school year. We’ve … [Link]

The Onion » Slideshow: 12 Top-Paying Jobs In The U.S.

Tuesday 23 September 17:30:00 UTC 2014

12 Top-Paying Jobs In The U.S.
[Link]

FMyLife » shelookslikemiley says FML

Tuesday 23 September 17:28:46 UTC 2014

Today, I can't go on watching season 8 of The Big Bang Theory, not because of the steady decline of the show's quality, but because I can't stand Penny's new haircut. FML [Link]

FMyLife » Anonymous says FML

Tuesday 23 September 17:28:45 UTC 2014

Today, it's the first day of fall. It's also the day that over 20 people have made jokes about my name being "Autumn" like they're the funniest, most original people alive. It's not even 8 am. This is going to be a long day. FML [Link]

Fark.com RSS » A knife fight in a telephone booth doesn't sound very tactical [Interesting]

Tuesday 23 September 17:27:54 UTC 2014

Interesting [link] [56 comments] [Link]

Mental Floss » 10 Graves That Are Remarkably Secure

Tuesday 23 September 17:20:49 UTC 2014

Here are 10 zombies that we’ll never have to worry about. [Link]

The Onion »  Congressman Embroiled In Sexting Scandal Explains: 'I Wanted That Girl To See My Penis'

Tuesday 23 September 16:25:00 UTC 2014

David Connors sits down for an exclusive interview with Congressman Bart Handford, who is finally opening up about the nude photo scandal that has threatened his career.
[Link]

Fark.com RSS » For 300 years, the house sat there patiently. Until that fateful night, when the family decided to go out to dinner [Scary]

Tuesday 23 September 16:21:48 UTC 2014

Scary [link] [87 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Police extract pizza from crash scene and rush it to customers. The delivery driver sustained head and neck injuries, but the important thing is that the pizza survived [Strange]

Tuesday 23 September 16:09:36 UTC 2014

Strange [link] [88 comments] [Link]

Mental Floss » Brain Game: Aquatic Birds

Tuesday 23 September 16:00:27 UTC 2014

Can you solve the Word Ladder in today's mentalfloss.com Brain Game Wednesday Wordplay challenge in six steps or fewer? Prove it! By changing one letter in each step to form English words, and leaving all other letters in their original positions, convert DUCK into SWAN in the fewest possible steps. D U C K
_ _ _ _
_ _ _ _ …
[Link]

The Onion » Opinion: It’s Just My Luck To Lose Thousands At The Blackjack Tables Every Night For The Past Few Weeks (by Anthony Planchette)

Tuesday 23 September 15:55:00 UTC 2014

By Anthony Planchette
[Link]

Fark.com RSS » Kansas Governor to declare "Zombie Preparedness Month," put a bounty on the head of Rick Grimes [Weird]

Tuesday 23 September 15:31:37 UTC 2014

Weird [link] [76 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » CDC announces ambitious new population control initiative that's going to go fully viral in West Africa by the end of the year [Followup]

Tuesday 23 September 15:25:34 UTC 2014

Followup [link] [192 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Pet cremation consultant shares some pet owners' unusual requests. In other news pet cremation consultant is a thing [Strange]

Tuesday 23 September 15:18:27 UTC 2014

Strange [link] [56 comments] [Link]

The Onion » NASA Administrator Resigns After Leak Of Offensive Anti-Moon Email

Tuesday 23 September 15:15:00 UTC 2014

HOUSTON—Saying he deeply regretted his “thoughtless and insensitive” comments, NASA Administrator Charles Bolden announced his resignation as head of the nation’s space agency Tuesday following the disclosure of an email in which h…
[Link]

The Onion » Too Late Now To Switch From Checkout Line With Talkative Cashier

Tuesday 23 September 14:36:00 UTC 2014

BLOOMINGTON, MN—Cursing silently to himself upon realizing that the cashier in his lane was engaging in conversation with every patron, local Trader Joe’s shopper Dan Wetzel confirmed Tuesday that it was now too late for him to switch to anoth…
[Link]

Mental Floss » Morning Cup of Links: SNL's 40th Season

Tuesday 23 September 14:31:41 UTC 2014

As we anticipate the beginning of Saturday Night Live’s 40th season, let’s look back at 15 of the best moments in SNL history. There’s a conspicuous lack of Gilda Radner.
*
Check out L’Homme à la tête de Caoutchouc (The Man With The Rubber Head). Georges Méliès 1901 film shows how special effects were part of the movie business from … [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Heavyweight champ Mike Tyson defends, threatens to knock out anyone who touches injured biker until EMTs arrive; apparently what happens in Vegas doesn't really stay in Vegas [Spiffy]

Tuesday 23 September 14:21:33 UTC 2014

Spiffy [link] [133 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Canada really is influenced by the United States in things like entertainment, fashion, election fiascos [Fail]

Tuesday 23 September 14:00:45 UTC 2014

Fail [link] [56 comments] [Link]

Mental Floss » Who Discovered Coffee?

Tuesday 23 September 14:00:00 UTC 2014

Almost everyone needs a good cup of joe in the morning to get them going, and, according to legend, it’s all because of a 9th-century Ethiopian goat-herder named Kaldi. Allegedly, Kaldi observed his goats behaving erratically after eating the red berries from a nearby Coffea arabica tree. He tried some of them himself and was soon acting as hyper as … [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Florida aquarium releases Freud back into the ocean. Symbols, symbols I tell you [Cool]

Tuesday 23 September 13:58:53 UTC 2014

Cool [link] [28 comments] [Link]

The Onion » Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 23, 2014

Tuesday 23 September 13:26:00 UTC 2014

ARIES: You refuse to buy into society's petty, narrow-minded definitions of good and evil, or at least that's what you tell people when they notice you're a lousy tipper.
[Link]

The Onion » Senator To Try Submitting Rejected Bill To Canadian Parliament

Tuesday 23 September 13:23:00 UTC 2014

WASHINGTON—Disappointed after a bill he had been working on for years failed to advance through Congress, Sen.
[Link]

The Onion » Report: You’re Actually Saving Money With Roller Rink Membership

Tuesday 23 September 13:22:00 UTC 2014

FRANKLIN, IN—Explaining that you would earn all your money back by attending just three Rock ‘N’ Roll Blackout nights, a report released this week by the Franklin Skate Center confirmed that you’re actually saving yourself money by…
[Link]

Fark.com RSS » When you're 8 1/2 months pregnant, craving meat, and your refrigerator is empty the logical thing to do is to grab your dad's rifle and bag yourself a moose [Obvious]

Tuesday 23 September 13:18:15 UTC 2014

Obvious [link] [177 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Photoshop this woman outstanding in her field [Photoshop]

Tuesday 23 September 13:00:01 UTC 2014

Photoshop [link] [18 comments] [Link]

Weird Universe » Ballpoint pen cutlery

Tuesday 23 September 12:47:06 UTC 2014

These "Din-ink" ballpoint pen caps from ZO_loft allow you to transform your pens into cutlery. Why you would want to do this, I'm not sure. But you can!

[Link]

Weird Universe » Bruce Nauman

Tuesday 23 September 12:02:45 UTC 2014

I just know every WU-vie will want the new book about seminal, brilliant artist Bruce Nauman. (See sidebar.)

[Link]

Fark.com RSS » As clever as that Alaskan television reporter might have thought she was being by profanely quitting on air, she just packed a big ol' nugget of legal headaches in her pipe [Followup]

Tuesday 23 September 12:02:09 UTC 2014

Followup [link] [265 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Now that Fall is here it means Phoenix can finally cool down to 102 degrees during the day [Spiffy]

Tuesday 23 September 11:33:00 UTC 2014

Spiffy [link] [62 comments] [Link]

Mental Floss » 20 Things You Might Not Know About 'Pulp Fiction'

Tuesday 23 September 11:30:00 UTC 2014

Here are 20 things you might not have known about the movie that taught Americans a Quarter Pounder with Cheese is called a Royale with Cheese in Europe. [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Man stands his ground against dog during five-year old's birthday party [Asinine]

Tuesday 23 September 11:13:00 UTC 2014

Asinine [link] [366 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » A window washer at the University of Alaska Fairbanks needs a new bottle of Windex, a few Tylenol and a new pair of underwear after falling while washing windows on the third floor [Cool]

Tuesday 23 September 10:53:07 UTC 2014

Cool [link] [25 comments] [Link]

Mental Floss » 5 Questions: Don't Accept Wooden Horses

Tuesday 23 September 10:25:57 UTC 2014

[Link]

FMyLife » paedra says FML

Tuesday 23 September 10:06:25 UTC 2014

Today, a new fire alarm system is being installed in my building. Not only does the alarm go off incessantly, but the elevators stop running when it happens. I live on the 12th floor. FML [Link]

FMyLife » madisonbubch says FML

Tuesday 23 September 8:04:01 UTC 2014

Today, I got home from a long day at work, hoping to just fix dinner and relax, only to find that my cat had come into the house with a rabbit, and is now stuck underneath the cabinet. FML [Link]

FMyLife » Serire says FML

Tuesday 23 September 7:23:43 UTC 2014

Today, my boyfriend couldn't go on a date with me because his mom said no. He's 23. FML [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Man drag races his vintage Chevy, flips it multiple times, becomes lodged in the windshield, walks away with no visible injury. TA-DAAA (w/video) [Scary]

Tuesday 23 September 7:17:00 UTC 2014

Scary [link] [76 comments] [Link]

Futility Closet » Genaille-Lucas Rulers

Tuesday 23 September 7:04:53 UTC 2014

French civil engineer Henri Genaille introduced these “rulers” in 1891 as a way to perform simple multiplication problems directly, without mental calculation. A set consists of 10 numbered rulers and an “index.” To multiply 52749 by 4, arrange rulers 5, 2, 7, 4, and 9 side by side next to the index ruler. We’re multiplying by 4, so go to … [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Starbucks' new beer-flavored latte has no actual beer in it, will still cost you three times as much as actual beer [Stupid]

Tuesday 23 September 3:45:16 UTC 2014

Stupid [link] [50 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » England People Problems: How to wear pyjamas as daywear without looking daft [Silly]

Tuesday 23 September 3:45:07 UTC 2014

Silly [link] [65 comments] [Link]

FMyLife » WhiteCaribbean says FML

Tuesday 23 September 2:45:05 UTC 2014

Today, what I thought was going to be a lunch date turned into a life insurance sales pitch. FML [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Pro tip: You risk losing some street cred if authorities dub you 'binky bandit' [Strange]

Tuesday 23 September 2:18:11 UTC 2014

Strange [link] [27 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » US airstrikes get Syrious [NewsFlash]

Tuesday 23 September 1:56:07 UTC 2014

NewsFlash [link] [611 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Because Britain hasn't been invaded by enough giant spiders and huge rats, gigantic daddy long-legs are walking right around the corner to mate and lay eggs within the next fortnight [Scary]

Tuesday 23 September 1:11:23 UTC 2014

Scary [link] [73 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Photoshop this watery tow [Photoshop]

Tuesday 23 September 0:00:01 UTC 2014

Photoshop [link] [18 comments] [Link]

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