John Gordon Ross

A Man for All Reasons

John Gordon Ross header image 3

Whittle It a Little, It’ll Fit

Odds and sods I look at regularly, just because they amuse me. I hope they do the same for you. Incidentally, I found this page’s title on Greg Ross’s Futility Closet (it’s somewhere on this page) in a mini-article which also includes the delightful sentence in Icelandic: Barbara Ara bar Ara araba bara rabbabara. Ross points out that this, “besides being fun to say, is spelled with only three letters. It means “Barbara, daughter of Ari, brought only rhubarb to Ari the Arab.”

FMyLife » ugh thanks says FML

Sunday 17 August 23:10:19 UTC 2014

Today, I asked my husband to tell me something nice about myself. He thought for a few moments, then said, "Uh, you shit quietly." FML [Link]

Fark.com RSS » It looks like the 101st Hoverround Brigade may have its own core problems [Sad]

Sunday 17 August 23:08:15 UTC 2014

Sad [link] [104 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Sometimes when trying to save a river and its fish, a feather is good for more than a tickle. Old Indian tale …or something [Interesting]

Sunday 17 August 23:00:34 UTC 2014

Interesting [link] [11 comments] [Link]

Overheard In The Office » It Says, “If I See You I Will Kill You”

Sunday 17 August 22:58:56 UTC 2014

Admin: I am going to heaven!Boss: What makes you think that?Admin: I wrote my brother a letter.Boss: How long has he been in jail?Admin: Two years, and I have not spoken to him since my friend got killed.Boss: Sooo, you think because you wrote him a letter you are going to heaven? Do you forgive him?Admin: Hell no! If I see … [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Another case of militarized police going nuts: SWAT team raids house, throws a flash bang grenade, all over an unsecured WiFi connection [Followup]

Sunday 17 August 22:55:07 UTC 2014

Followup [link] [279 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » RNLI rescue Bulgarian who was trying to sail to America. Fark: In 14' boat, with a US visa, hot dogs, beans and a bag of biscuits, but no life jacket or lights. His navigational aid? A street map of Southampton [Dumbass]

Sunday 17 August 22:46:10 UTC 2014

Dumbass [link] [41 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Thug wannabe steals woman's cell phone. Woman chases him down and holds him for cops. Kid's mom upon seeing pic of son being detained: "Why is she touching him like that?" [Asinine]

Sunday 17 August 22:30:02 UTC 2014

Asinine [link] [275 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » "Ladies and gentlemen, may l have your attention please. Our country is run by a dictator, our infrastructure is in shambles, and our economy is about to implode. Oh, and we're out of beer" [Scary]

Sunday 17 August 22:23:53 UTC 2014

Scary [link] [47 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Judge affirms you have the right to record cops who enter your home. Obviously, the cop who took a woman's laptop and deleted her recording disagrees [Interesting]

Sunday 17 August 22:22:52 UTC 2014

Interesting [link] [73 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Half of Britain's eight million dogs are overweight. Your dog wants steak, which is the problem [Interesting]

Sunday 17 August 22:16:40 UTC 2014

Interesting [link] [24 comments] [Link]

Overheard In The Office » Miss Cleo Speaked Good, Too, and Look How She Turned Out

Sunday 17 August 21:54:53 UTC 2014

Sales guy to coworker: Why did anyone vote for Obama? Because he's a good oracle? Big deal if he speaks good…Tulsa, Oklahoma [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Must have item of the year: The Aromafork, because you want your porkchop tasting like bubblegum [Weird]

Sunday 17 August 21:54:27 UTC 2014

Weird [link] [15 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » "I want to party with that Richard the III guy" [Interesting]

Sunday 17 August 20:44:29 UTC 2014

Interesting [link] [54 comments] [Link]

FMyLife » Etrius says FML

Sunday 17 August 20:32:21 UTC 2014

Today, I went to get my hair cut. My stylist had the greatest tattoo of a rat on her arm. I spent the whole appointment thinking about how cool the tattoo was, and what an interesting person she must be to choose such a thing. So I complimented her on it and she said, "Oh it's a wolf." FML [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Photoshop this trainer training [Photoshop]

Sunday 17 August 20:00:01 UTC 2014

Photoshop [link] [16 comments] [Link]

Mental Floss » Grave Sightings: Thomas R. Marshall

Sunday 17 August 20:00:00 UTC 2014

Every time we so much as touch a toe out of state, I’ve put cemeteries on our travel itinerary. From garden-like expanses to overgrown boot hills, whether they’re the final resting places of the well-known but not that important or the important but not that well-known, I love them all. After realizing that there are a lot of taphophiles out … [Link]

Fark.com RSS » If you haven't bought a new gas can in the past few years, boy are you in for a surprise. "We are from the government and we're here to help". Buy extra paper towels [Asinine]

Sunday 17 August 19:25:02 UTC 2014

Asinine [link] [235 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » The burglar who ripped off a socialite's "million dollar closet" after she went on TV to brag about it, has contacted the press to complain the items he stole were all fakes. SOMEBODY's gonna have uncomfortable conversation with an in

Sunday 17 August 18:37:49 UTC 2014

Followup [link] [115 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Judge dismisses Cinemark's latest attempt to ditch culpability for their part in the Aurora shooting massacre [Followup]

Sunday 17 August 18:16:35 UTC 2014

Followup [link] [273 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » I see your s'mores alcohol and raise you MoonPie Moonshine. Fark: Also comes in chocolate and banana flavors. Bonus: Website apparently designed by a narcoleptic 9 year old on Adderall [Strange]

Sunday 17 August 18:05:32 UTC 2014

Strange [link] [39 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Thanks to Facebook, email, Twitter, and other websites, our minds are too distracted to finish most creative tasks, whether it's reading a book, paying attention to our children, working on that novel, or [PSA]

Sunday 17 August 18:00:51 UTC 2014

PSA [link] [28 comments] [Link]

Mental Floss » 11 Foods You Don't Need to Refrigerate

Sunday 17 August 17:37:27 UTC 2014

Make some room in there. [Link]

Mental Floss » "Do the Right Thing," 25 Years Later

Sunday 17 August 17:30:00 UTC 2014

In the summer of 1989, Spike Lee's Do the Right Thing hit theaters. Filmed entirely on one block in Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn, the film is a masterpiece, and it resonates today just as strongly as it did the summer of its release. (I re-watched it last week and only then realized, oh yeah, it's been 25 years since this came out.) … [Link]

FMyLife » AnnoyedWoman says FML

Sunday 17 August 16:36:30 UTC 2014

Today, I went camping with my husband not too far from our house. We got our tent pitched up, stove ready and roll-out bed out. He then said, "I'm just gonna go for a walk." It had been about an hour before I decided to go find him. He had walked home to play CoD. FML [Link]

Mental Floss » 10 Bone-Headed Facts About Pachycephalosaurus

Sunday 17 August 16:30:00 UTC 2014

Pachycephalosaurus’ domed, heavily-built head looks like it was capable inflicting some serious damage. Unfortunately, trying to decipher how this animal used that noggin has given many poor scientists headaches of their own. [Link]

Fark.com RSS » ARRRRRRRRRrrrrrrr, can I has Tiki bar Renaissance in NYC? [Amusing]

Sunday 17 August 16:12:27 UTC 2014

Amusing [link] [58 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Protesters break into Ebola care center, steal everything including the Ebola [Scary]

Sunday 17 August 15:47:14 UTC 2014

Scary [link] [335 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » For 25-years one man has walked backwards in the name of world peace. What a good sole [Strange]

Sunday 17 August 15:06:04 UTC 2014

Strange [link] [48 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Not news: Skateboarders get harassed by the cops. News: Cop patrols ON a skateboard. Fark: Police chief prohibits him from making siren noises with his mouth, even though he's pretty good at it [Amusing]

Sunday 17 August 14:50:51 UTC 2014

Amusing [link] [64 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » After their first major battle in their plan to take over the world, seagulls (flying rats) enjoy their spoils from the Ice Cream War [Interesting]

Sunday 17 August 14:36:31 UTC 2014

Interesting [link] [51 comments] [Link]

Weird Universe » News of the Weird (August 17, 2014)

Sunday 17 August 14:15:44 UTC 2014

News of the Weird
Weirdnuz.M384, August 17, 2014
Copyright 2014 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

Lead Story

Think Your Own Last Flight Was Unpleasant? (1) The May 28th U.S. Airways flight from Los Angeles to Philadelphia had to be diverted to Kansas City after a passenger’s service dog did what dogs do, in the aisle, twice (an hour apart). … [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Pope Francis I to visit Philadelphia in September. City officials suggest October since it won't conflict with any Phillies games once the MLB playoffs start [Spiffy]

Sunday 17 August 14:11:14 UTC 2014

Spiffy [link] [37 comments] [Link]

Overheard In The Office » Investment Wanker Hard at Work

Sunday 17 August 14:04:51 UTC 2014

Cube rat on phone: Sometimes when you go vertical it’s hotter than horizontal… You just have to play with it. Sometimes when I’m shooting and I’m too far away from the men’s room…Owings Mills, MarylandOverheard by: widget [Link]

Overheard In The Office » That's Your Answer to Everything.

Sunday 17 August 14:04:50 UTC 2014

Female coworker #1: Stop pouting. That might be appropriate behavior with a sexual partner, but it isn't appropriate among your coworkers.Female coworker #2: If I offer you sexual favors, would that make it okay?Manhattan, New York [Link]

Overheard In The Office » But That's Why We Have Interns

Sunday 17 August 14:04:49 UTC 2014

Red-faced manager: Frozen again! God fucking dammit! Jesus fucking Christ! I'm getting really fucking pissed off at this motherfucking computer!Nonchalant passerby: Kick it, then.Plymouth, Michigan [Link]

Overheard In The Office » Curly Always Has to Go Up the Ladder

Sunday 17 August 14:04:48 UTC 2014

[Technicians installing a new system]Technician #1: Ok, well it looks like we need to go up to the ceiling.Technician #2: I’m going to go up the ladder.Technician #3: You’re going to go up the ladder?Technician #1: You’re going to go up the ladder?Technician #2: I’m going to go up the ladder.[Technician #2 goes up the ladder and takes some stuff apart]Technician … [Link]

Overheard In The Office » There Are Used Vibrators on EBay (Don't Ask How We Know)

Sunday 17 August 14:04:47 UTC 2014

Guy: Me and the wife are going out this weekend. You think you could hook me up with…uhh, some happy fun time shit?Girl: Are you serious? I don't think I have anything you'd like. How do you know what your wife wants?Guy: What the fuck? She wants weed, end of story!Girl: Oh, shit! I thought you were talking about sex toys!Guy: … [Link]

Overheard In The Office » Face It, You're Just Selfish

Sunday 17 August 14:04:43 UTC 2014

Boss, about molding: I am better at injection than I am at blow.Cincinnati, Ohio [Link]

Overheard In The Office » I’m Sure You’ll Be a Fine President

Sunday 17 August 14:04:42 UTC 2014

Employee #1: You know that part of your brain that stops you from doing stupid shit?Employee #2: Nope.Employee #1: Oh.Galleria
Houston, TexasOverheard by: consultantinka [Link]

Overheard In The Office » Thanks for Showing Me the Supplication Cabinet!

Sunday 17 August 14:00:04 UTC 2014

Manager: Here's the office supply cabinet. Do you need anything?First-day-on-the-job peon: Oh yeah! A pad of paper. I like to take dubious notes.Cleveland, Ohio [Link]

Fark.com RSS » "Even munching tater tots at a Sonic can be an expression of manifest destiny." Behold, the most pretentious article ever written about eating a fast food cheeseburger [Silly]

Sunday 17 August 13:47:33 UTC 2014

Silly [link] [120 comments] [Link]

FMyLife » you ripped them off ages ago says FML

Sunday 17 August 13:45:10 UTC 2014

Today, a few minutes after giving birth to our fourth child, my wife pulled me close and whispered, "I love you, but if you ever put me through that again I'll rip your balls off." Everyone laughed. FML [Link]

Mental Floss » Weekend Links: Wear Sunscreen, Or Else

Sunday 17 August 13:30:00 UTC 2014

Ultraviolet reveals the truth of sun-damaged skin, and it’s not a pretty picture. Seriously, wear sunscreen. * Oregon is more than just Portland: it boasts 185 state parks in total, all of which appear in this music video about falling in love, both in Oregon and with Oregon. * Instead of pitching a fit, one little girl took the high … [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Somewhere out there is an alcoholic who ate a s'mores and said, "Hmmm, I should turn this into an adult beverage" [Sad]

Sunday 17 August 13:28:07 UTC 2014

Sad [link] [29 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Photoshop this airborne duel [Photoshop]

Sunday 17 August 13:00:01 UTC 2014

Photoshop [link] [20 comments] [Link]

Overheard In The Office » Make ‘em Fight for Injustice, He Says

Sunday 17 August 12:55:43 UTC 2014

Drone on cell: Yeah, the trial is tomorrow… Well, he figured if he was going to prison for a rape he did not do, the state owed him a freebie.Overland Park, Kansas [Link]

Fark.com RSS » When those sneaky Huns decide to go on the attack again, this one man will be ready for them [Cool]

Sunday 17 August 12:51:38 UTC 2014

Cool [link] [52 comments] [Link]

FMyLife » auzziegirl1938 says FML

Sunday 17 August 12:49:46 UTC 2014

Today, my roommate decided to throw a huge party in the early hours of the morning. I have to start at my new job soon, a window just got smashed, and I'm tired as hell. FML [Link]

Weird Universe » Tsunami Bomb

Sunday 17 August 12:47:01 UTC 2014

Back in 1947, there was a lot of speculation in the press about a new secret weapon that was supposed to be as "awesome in its effects as the atomic bomb." Turns out the weapon that was the source of the rumors was the Tsunami Bomb — a device for creating artificial tsunamis to wipe out enemy forces on land. … [Link]

Weird Universe » GI Jane

Sunday 17 August 12:44:48 UTC 2014

A surreal and risque musical odyssey awaits on the far side of this modesty barrier.

[Link]

Fark.com RSS » It might take them 33 years, and a few clerical errors, but the Oregon DMV always gets their man [Amusing]

Sunday 17 August 12:29:36 UTC 2014

Amusing [link] [31 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Crustless broccoli and bacon quiche. Belgian waffles. Freshly ground and seasoned sausage patties. What are you eating this fine Sunday morning? [Spiffy]

Sunday 17 August 12:03:39 UTC 2014

Spiffy [link] [189 comments] [Link]

Overheard In The Office » What’s It Gonna Take to Get Me Out of This Conversation?

Sunday 17 August 11:53:16 UTC 2014

Girl: Yeah, he thought you meant that I was gonna make cheese from my breast milk, you know, to save money…Boss: That’s not what I meant.Girl: I know!TexasOverheard by: the lowly receptionist [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Federal government's plan to rescue desert tortoises from the brink of extinction is to sterilize them [Strange]

Sunday 17 August 11:33:11 UTC 2014

Strange [link] [32 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » First off, there is such a thing as an ice mine. Secondly, this one only makes ice in the summer [Weird]

Sunday 17 August 11:23:39 UTC 2014

Weird [link] [25 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » From the one made of glass to the one illuminated by bioluminescent phytoplankton, here are some of the world's coolest beaches that you've probably never heard of before [Cool]

Sunday 17 August 10:42:16 UTC 2014

Cool [link] [40 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » FDA rejects queer eye for straight guy [Repeat]

Sunday 17 August 10:31:44 UTC 2014

Repeat [link] [92 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » In a case of knowing her role woman steals a bottle of MD 20/20 to visit boyfriend in jail where she put him earlier in the evening. Stay weird Austin [Dumbass]

Sunday 17 August 8:31:30 UTC 2014

Dumbass [link] [35 comments] [Link]

Futility Closet » The Wire Identification Problem

Sunday 17 August 8:29:18 UTC 2014

A conduit carries 50 identical wires under a river, but their ends have not been labeled — you don’t know which ends on the west bank correspond to which on the east bank. To identify them, you can tie together the wires in pairs on the west bank, then row across the river and test the wires on the east … [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Drivers cited for failing to yield to a cop dressed as a traffic cone in the crosswalk. Finally an accurate uniform they can wear [Strange]

Sunday 17 August 8:21:54 UTC 2014

Strange [link] [61 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Pregnant woman gives birth while trying to enroll her 4 year-old son in preschool [Sappy]

Sunday 17 August 7:53:27 UTC 2014

Sappy [link] [32 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » What your junk drawer reveals about you [Spiffy]

Sunday 17 August 7:51:28 UTC 2014

Spiffy [link] [59 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Can there be a happier day than the day you save a baby's life? This one might be [Sappy]

Sunday 17 August 7:51:23 UTC 2014

Sappy [link] [12 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » California police find an illegal marijuana crop growing in a public park, estimate the value at $5 million. Hopefully, that dangerous crop of drugs will be destroyed and the culprits will enjoy the rest of their lives in prison [Scary]

Sunday 17 August 7:49:32 UTC 2014

Scary [link] [58 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Man shot in the back of the head, crashes his car into a house, walks eight blocks to the Emergency Room. Ta-da [Weird]

Sunday 17 August 7:24:59 UTC 2014

Weird [link] [15 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » The worst victims of the Israel / Gaza feud? The zoo animals [Sad]

Sunday 17 August 6:23:36 UTC 2014

Sad [link] [61 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Apparently, among the highlights to be found at Albuquerque's zoo are puddles of visitor urine [Sick]

Sunday 17 August 6:21:00 UTC 2014

Sick [link] [20 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Ferguson curfew starts at midnight, rally planned just outside city limits. LGT Livestream (Not safe for work language in livestream) [Followup]

Sunday 17 August 4:35:07 UTC 2014

Followup [link] [1450 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Not news: Woman's co-workers believe she is dead due to a treacherous flood. News: She ends up surviving after being pulled from the flood water by a stranger. Fark: And shocked her co workers by showing up to work the next day [Scary]

Sunday 17 August 2:13:49 UTC 2014

Scary [link] [105 comments] [Link]

Overheard In The Office » I Can't Stand His Awaker-Than-Thou Attitude

Sunday 17 August 1:42:55 UTC 2014

Office peon #1: He has a tendency not to sleep when he's at work.Office peon #2: That's good, that's good. Should we invite him for tonight?Office peon #1: Nah.Manila
PhilippinesOverheard by: Kaye [Link]

Overheard In The Office » Can't You Recycle the Old Leather Into a Dog Bed or Something?

Sunday 17 August 1:42:54 UTC 2014

Software developer on phone: Like I care what it looks like during a recession? Yes… Pull all the leather out of the Porsche. They use cheap leather at the factory!Houston, Texas [Link]

Overheard In The Office » Put the Ice Cream Down, Dolores.

Sunday 17 August 1:42:53 UTC 2014

Ditzy office manager to coworker: I think I just had, what do you call it, a brain hernia…San Bernardino, CaliforniaOverheard by: Mister Chief [Link]

Overheard In The Office » I Just Put It in Reverse, Right?

Sunday 17 August 1:42:52 UTC 2014

Secretary #1: Has anyone used the shredder this morning?Secretary #2: No, why?Secretary #1: I need to get something back that I put in there this morning.278 Morgan Street
Tonawanda, New York [Link]

Overheard In The Office » Um, Is That How It Works?

Sunday 17 August 1:42:51 UTC 2014

VP: I just completed sexual harassment training! Who’s gonna be my first victim?Assistant: Me!1 Glenlake Parkway
Atlanta, Georgia [Link]

Overheard In The Office » And Those Are More Valuable Than a Life

Sunday 17 August 1:42:47 UTC 2014

Woman: My sister got out of rehab on Tuesday and died of an overdose on Friday, and I just got the rehab bill in the mail.Friend: I’d tell thems to stick ‘at bill up they asses — that shit didn’t work! It’s like gettin’ a bad weave! You don’t pay fo’ no bad weaves, does you?Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, IndianaOverheard by: Shatmandu … [Link]

Overheard In The Office » Read and Heed, Ladies

Sunday 17 August 1:42:46 UTC 2014

Engineer #1: You don't want me designing that machine. Not even if I was the last man on earth.Project manager: If you were the last man on earth, who would there be to ask you to design it?Engineer #2: The last woman on earth?Engineer #1: I definitely wouldn't do it then. No matter what I did, she would make me wrong. … [Link]

Overheard In The Office » You Can Tell the Middle-aged by Their Rattle and Hum

Sunday 17 August 0:45:04 UTC 2014

Middle-aged coworker to another: So I saw U2 last night… You know, the rock and roll band.Fairfax, VirginiaOverheard by: Chris [Link]

FMyLife » Sara777boo says FML

Sunday 17 August 0:22:34 UTC 2014

Today, I had to awkwardly grab my pink dildo after my husband's friend asked what it was that my dog was chewing on. FML [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Oil prices to rise drastically..who cares? They always fluctu…What? OLIVE oil prices? Nooooooo [Scary]

Sunday 17 August 0:02:12 UTC 2014

Scary [link] [67 comments] [Link]

Fark.com RSS » Photoshop this psychedelic O.Z.O.R.A. Festival fan [Photoshop]

Sunday 17 August 0:00:01 UTC 2014

Photoshop [link] [28 comments] [Link]

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