John Gordon Ross

A Man for All Reasons

John Gordon Ross header image 3

Whittle It a Little, It’ll Fit

Odds and sods I look at regularly, just because they amuse me. I hope they do the same for you. Incidentally, I found this page’s title on Greg Ross’s Futility Closet (it’s somewhere on this page) in a mini-article which also includes the delightful sentence in Icelandic: Barbara Ara bar Ara araba bara rabbabara. Ross points out that this, “besides being fun to say, is spelled with only three letters. It means “Barbara, daughter of Ari, brought only rhubarb to Ari the Arab.”

FMyLife » Alyssa says FML

Saturday 31 March 23:53:39 UTC 2012

Today, I was kicked out of my review lecture at community college, for "being a disturbance and refusing to stop whistling." I wasn't even given a chance to explain that I have a cold. FML [Link] RSS » What celebrity do you have a crush on not only because they're attractive, but also because they seem to have a decent personality? [Survey]

Saturday 31 March 23:38:39 UTC 2012

Survey [link] [447 comments] [Link]

FMyLife » LiveLoveLys says FML

Saturday 31 March 23:28:18 UTC 2012

Today, I tried to explain to my 23-year-old boyfriend the difference between "your" and "you're". I do this every other day, but it's like his head is permanently stuck in the first grade. FML [Link] RSS » Lottery "Expert" Richard Lustig: "don't ever buy Quick Picks". Mega-Millions official: Two of the 3 jackpot winners were Quick Picks [Fail]

Saturday 31 March 23:18:46 UTC 2012

Fail [link] [163 comments] [Link]

The Onion » Corrections: Brainteaser Mistake

Saturday 31 March 23:00:00 UTC 2012

The solution to last week's brainteaser contained a mistake. The correct answer is five swastikas. The Onion regrets the error. [Link] RSS » Prison's 'Nutraloaf' may violate 8th Amendment, inmate's colon [Asinine]

Saturday 31 March 22:42:46 UTC 2012

Asinine [link] [222 comments] [Link] RSS » Couple busted for burglarizing a vacant home claim they were "looking for a pregnant horse" and "peat moss in order to decorate for a wedding" [Unlikely]

Saturday 31 March 22:28:38 UTC 2012

Unlikely [link] [15 comments] [Link] RSS » Proof that the universe hates you: Survive going over Niagara Falls in a barrel, but die due to injuries sustained by slipping on an orange peel [Ironic]

Saturday 31 March 22:06:44 UTC 2012

Ironic [link] [31 comments] [Link] RSS » Smoking hot 31-year-old English teacher arrested for giving anxiety pills to student, presumably to have sex with them (w/mugshot) [Dumbass]

Saturday 31 March 22:00:43 UTC 2012

Dumbass [link] [115 comments] [Link]

The Onion » Kobe Bryant Develops Bed Sores After 5 Minutes On Bench

Saturday 31 March 22:00:00 UTC 2012

Kobe Bryant Develops Bed Sores After 5 Minutes On Bench [Link] RSS » Where are you on the global pay scale? Hopefully you're a lil north of Tajikistan [Interesting]

Saturday 31 March 21:56:45 UTC 2012

Interesting [link] [121 comments] [Link] RSS » Google Mapquest [Cool]

Saturday 31 March 21:07:51 UTC 2012

Cool [link] [186 comments] [Link]

The Onion » Infographic: Media Manipulations, Falsehoods, And The Greater Truth

Saturday 31 March 21:00:00 UTC 2012

Recently, the most downloaded episode of This American Life—featuring Mike Daisey's monologue The Agony And The Ecstasy Of Steve Jobs—and a viral video about Africanchild soldiers called Kony 2012 have fallen under fire for failing to prov [Link] RSS » Texas raises speed limit near Austin to 80… but only if you pay $6.40 toll [Interesting]

Saturday 31 March 20:36:32 UTC 2012

Interesting [link] [77 comments] [Link] RSS » Prosthetic limbs have come a long way, now you can have one with an axe and heater built into it [Spiffy]

Saturday 31 March 20:32:38 UTC 2012

Spiffy [link] [36 comments] [Link] RSS » Because when you see a baseball game, you definitely want your stadium food to include Cuban dishes like shrimp burgers and spicy lobster rolls instead of hot dogs and nachos [Florida]

Saturday 31 March 20:22:31 UTC 2012

Florida [link] [72 comments] [Link] RSS » G-spot high school produces a sexually deviant 16yr old [Ironic]

Saturday 31 March 20:19:11 UTC 2012

Ironic [link] [109 comments] [Link] RSS » Photoshop this fellow in his spring finery [Photoshop]

Saturday 31 March 20:19:09 UTC 2012

Photoshop [link] [20 comments] [Link] RSS » The best proof that there is a God — the NYC pizza price war [Cool]

Saturday 31 March 20:19:08 UTC 2012

Cool [link] [74 comments] [Link] RSS » If you're going to rob a convenience store, you might want to make sure one of the customers isn't a veteran trained in MMA; otherwise you'll have your ass handed to you [Dumbass]

Saturday 31 March 20:10:36 UTC 2012

Dumbass [link] [34 comments] [Link]

The Onion » Strongside/Weakside: Honus Wagner Baseball Card

Saturday 31 March 19:45:00 UTC 2012

An ultrarare Honus Wagner baseball card, supposedly among the finest examples of the 60 believed to exist, is expected to bring $1.5 million at auction this month. [Link] RSS » Fark soon to be illegal in Arizona [Asinine]

Saturday 31 March 19:16:15 UTC 2012

Asinine [link] [228 comments] [Link]

FMyLife » Anonymous says FML

Saturday 31 March 19:13:22 UTC 2012

Today, I got sexually excited thinking about what kind of donuts I wanted to get in the morning. FML [Link]

FMyLife » Anonymous says FML

Saturday 31 March 19:13:21 UTC 2012

Today, I took a very expensive flight to New York City for a job interview. I waited in my hotel room all day for the phone call to go to my once in a lifetime interview. By noon I was nervous, eight I was pissed. Around ten I realized my phone was still in airplane mode. FML [Link] RSS » Ladies and gentlemen, it's official. The drunker you are, the prettier you become – to yourself. This would explain why most Farkers "feel sexier, smarter and funnier, even when others privately think you are a turkey" [Obvious]

Saturday 31 March 18:53:33 UTC 2012

Obvious [link] [43 comments] [Link]

The Onion » 'The Natural' Not On TV Often Enough For Area Dad

Saturday 31 March 18:30:00 UTC 2012

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Local father Ken Hosmer voiced his disapproval Sunday concerning the frequency with which cable television channels air the 1984 film The Natural. [Link] RSS » So, do you take your drink shaken like a proper gentleman, or stirred, like a prissy little girl? [Silly]

Saturday 31 March 18:14:17 UTC 2012

Silly [link] [83 comments] [Link] RSS » Ugly-ass tragic polar bear's cuter sister born in Germany (w/ ridiculously adorable pics) [Sappy]

Saturday 31 March 18:08:38 UTC 2012

Sappy [link] [28 comments] [Link] RSS » Fun Fact for Losers: The mega trash generated by 640 million shredded losing lottery tickets would provide sufficient confetti for a grand parade stretching from here to the moon and back [Interesting]

Saturday 31 March 17:58:35 UTC 2012

Interesting [link] [37 comments] [Link] RSS » 6 times the Onion had everyone fooled [Satire]

Saturday 31 March 17:54:41 UTC 2012

Satire [link] [67 comments] [Link]

The Onion » Opinion: I'd Be Happy To Help With Any Herding… (by A Border Collie)

Saturday 31 March 17:45:00 UTC 2012

By A Border Collie [Link]

The Onion » Neil deGrasse Tyson Lets Slip That He's Been To Mars

Saturday 31 March 17:06:37 UTC 2012

Neil deGrasse Tyson Lets Slip That He's Been To Mars [Link]

The Onion » Knowing Glance Between Peyton Manning And John Elway Entering Third Hour

Saturday 31 March 16:30:00 UTC 2012

Knowing Glance Between Peyton Manning And John Elway Entering Third Hour [Link] RSS » Is it really OK to recline 0.015 inches in your airline seat? [Dumbass]

Saturday 31 March 16:23:10 UTC 2012

Dumbass [link] [188 comments] [Link]

Futility Closet » Drawing Blanks

Saturday 31 March 15:43:44 UTC 2012

Abstract expressionist Ad Reinhardt declared that paintings must contain no texture, no brushwork, no drawing, no forms, no design, no color, no light, no space, no time, no size or scale, no movement, and no subject. His “black squares” of the 1960s earned him the nickname “The Black Monk.” In The Hunting of the Snark, the Bellman guides his party … [Link] RSS » Competitors are desperately trying to keep up with Costa Cruises' unique "drifting without power" on-board experience. 1,000 people currently sweating just off the Philippines [Scary]

Saturday 31 March 15:41:57 UTC 2012

Scary [link] [61 comments] [Link] RSS » The best root beers. Dr. Brown demands a do-over [Silly]

Saturday 31 March 15:23:15 UTC 2012

Silly [link] [195 comments] [Link]

The Onion » Sobbing Man Won't Let Go Of Stranger's Dog

Saturday 31 March 15:15:00 UTC 2012

Sobbing Man Won't Let Go Of Stranger's Dog [Link] RSS » Interpol chief Ric Romero warns that a group of hackers "might" target the Internet today [Obvious]

Saturday 31 March 15:11:59 UTC 2012

Obvious [link] [52 comments] [Link] RSS » Settling down and marrying the mail-order Vietnamese bride of your dreams is about to get a lot harder [Interesting]

Saturday 31 March 14:56:52 UTC 2012

Interesting [link] [100 comments] [Link]

FMyLife » swim5 says FML

Saturday 31 March 14:43:18 UTC 2012

Today, my boyfriend of 3 months broke up with me because he is moving. He's only moving 20 minutes away. FML [Link]

FMyLife » Anonymous says FML

Saturday 31 March 14:43:17 UTC 2012

Today, on my way to my therapist, my father told me to lie to her and tell her that I'm happy so he doesn't have to drive me in anymore. FML [Link]

<title>Weird Universe » Satanic Shaving

Saturday 31 March 14:29:20 UTC 2012

After our "homicidal barber pole" some weeks back, we find further proof that certain tonsorial accessories are affiliated with the netherworld.

Gaze upon these evil shave-cream dispensers tending to their Satanic master!

Original ad here.

Comments [Link] RSS » Sheriff Joe Arpaio makes the executive decision to allow actor Steven Seagal to patrol on deadly ground looking for drug smugglers who have put the Arizona desert under seige [Interesting]

Saturday 31 March 14:06:51 UTC 2012

Interesting [link] [131 comments] [Link]

<title>Weird Universe » The Toilet Art of Adrian Rodriguez

Saturday 31 March 13:52:57 UTC 2012

His art involves spending a lot of time staring into toilet bowls. He calls his creations "toilygraphs."

Comments [Link]

Mental Floss » Weekend Links: Any Way the Wind Blows

Saturday 31 March 13:38:02 UTC 2012

From my friend Dekalb, a very exciting link for weather nerds like me: a wind map of the U.S. Check out some of the gallery pictures as well, I think they’re beautiful! Watching the live stream is so fascinating (though keep in mind this is coming from someone who has the doppler radar up at almost all times).
Take … [Link] RSS » Tired of noise from the neighborhood children? A couple of warning shots over their head should do the trick [Dumbass]

Saturday 31 March 13:07:57 UTC 2012

Dumbass [link] [68 comments] [Link] RSS » Cool: Hollywood is auctioning off a costumer worn by Christopher Reeve in a Superman movie. Sad: It was "Superman IV" [Interesting]

Saturday 31 March 13:01:54 UTC 2012

Interesting [link] [47 comments] [Link] RSS » Photoshop Theme: How to make newspapers more profitable [Photoshop]

Saturday 31 March 13:00:01 UTC 2012

Photoshop [link] [24 comments] [Link] RSS » Lick… no, pump… punk… PUB. Lick laws. Public. Intosh, intop, intof… drunk laws. They're too fuc… whoops. Fum (hee hee) fuzzy. Crickets say. What? Critics. CRITICS. That's what they say [Amusing]

Saturday 31 March 12:47:53 UTC 2012

Amusing [link] [32 comments] [Link] RSS » If you've ever had to call up Poison Control because your little one has ingested glow sticks, hand sanitisers, toilet cleaning discs or silica gel sachets, don't worry. It's perfectly normal [Interesting]

Saturday 31 March 12:23:56 UTC 2012

Interesting [link] [36 comments] [Link] RSS » Questions you don't want to ask or have answered: "Could Obesity Be Cured by Injecting Our Guts With Fecal Bacteria From Ancient Mummies?" [Weird]

Saturday 31 March 12:19:52 UTC 2012

Weird [link] [58 comments] [Link] RSS » The CBC tries to comfort you in the fact the while gas prices are rising, printer ink is still $1750 a liter [Obvious]

Saturday 31 March 12:15:58 UTC 2012

Obvious [link] [45 comments] [Link] RSS » Against all odds, Squid the cat turns 97 (cat) years old. This article seemed appropriate as we celebrate another birthday this weekend – Caturday's one and only Alien [Caturday]

Saturday 31 March 12:00:00 UTC 2012

Caturday [link] [487 comments] [Link] RSS » Someone in Maryland will soon realize that they are the most popular person on the entire planet, and if they were smart, we'd never ever hear of them again for the rest of their natural life [Followup]

Saturday 31 March 11:05:08 UTC 2012

Followup [link] [150 comments] [Link] RSS » Alabama nightclub hosts "Food Stamps Friday" event, with special entrance fee for those with a valid food stamp card. Bonus: free shots at the door [Stupid]

Saturday 31 March 10:16:00 UTC 2012

Stupid [link] [63 comments] [Link] » 12 Totally Bizarre Earrings

Saturday 31 March 9:01:34 UTC 2012

We all have a weird fashionista inside of ourselves, haven't we? [Link]

FMyLife » Anonymous says FML

Saturday 31 March 8:49:22 UTC 2012

Today, I found a used condom in my trash can. I have been happily married to my wife for 7 years, and we use other forms of birth control. FML [Link]

FMyLife » GetHardOrGoHome says FML

Saturday 31 March 8:22:23 UTC 2012

Today, I visited my gynecologist. As she had her fingers inside me she decided that was the perfect time to say, "I absolutely love your socks!" FML [Link] RSS » How to deal with your child's iPad tantrums. Or, alternatively, you could… hmmmm… I don't know… NOT GIVE YOUR 5 YEAR OLD AN iPAD [Dumbass]

Saturday 31 March 8:13:21 UTC 2012

Dumbass [link] [193 comments] [Link] RSS » Five reasons you didn't really want to win all that lottery money [Unlikely]

Saturday 31 March 7:40:20 UTC 2012

Unlikely [link] [113 comments] [Link] RSS » The oldest man in the United States, Shelby Harris, celebrates his 111th birthday today. Hopefully the nursing home doesn't throw him a surprise party [Sappy]

Saturday 31 March 6:54:22 UTC 2012

Sappy [link] [23 comments] [Link]

Mental Floss » 24 Vintage Pictures of Doctors At Work

Saturday 31 March 6:39:41 UTC 2012

In honor of National Doctor’s Day, here’s a look at all the ways the job has changed—but mostly stayed the same. Images all courtesy of The Library of Congress. Exams The long wait, examination bed, fluorescent lights, they’re all the same today as they were long ago. Here’s how a basic exam would go over seventy years ago…pretty much the … [Link]

Futility Closet » Two Squares

Saturday 31 March 6:14:07 UTC 2012

Retired Pittsburgh math teacher Walter W. Horner devised this doubly magic square in 1955: Each row, column, and long diagonal produces both a sum of 840 and a product of 2058068231856000. And Rodolfo Marcelo Kurchan of Buenos Aires discovered this remarkable square in 1991: Each number contains all 10 digits — and so does the magic sum, 4129607358. [Link]

FMyLife » Anonymous says FML

Saturday 31 March 6:02:04 UTC 2012

Today, I was holding our weekly poker game with a few work buddies. My psychotic, live-in mother-in-law wasted no time jumping into the game, cheating me out of $150, my new wristwatch, and what little pride I had left. FML [Link]

FMyLife » sad says FML

Saturday 31 March 6:02:03 UTC 2012

Today, I confided to my dad that my girlfriend had dumped me for another guy. He said "good" and explained that given how overpopulated the planet is, he's actually disappointed that I'm not gay. His advice was: "just wank it off and move on". FML [Link] RSS » On tonight's episode of COP MATH: marijuana is now $3000 a pound [Stupid]

Saturday 31 March 5:52:21 UTC 2012

Stupid [link] [123 comments] [Link]

FMyLife » Fractured says FML

Saturday 31 March 5:13:00 UTC 2012

Today, I fractured a bone in my knee. Now not only do I have to wear a huge knee brace for the next two months, I'll have to sit around in a hotel room all of next week while my family has fun skiing in the mountains. FML [Link]

Mental Floss » 6 Times The Onion Had People Completely Fooled

Saturday 31 March 4:44:07 UTC 2012

Photo credit: Flickr user Afraid of Ducks The site Literally Unbelievable showcases normal people on Facebook who have been duped by satirical articles from The Onion. But every now and then those misunderstandings have real world consequences. 1. “Study Finds Every Style of Parenting Produces Disturbed, Miserable Adults” Last year The Onion ran this article, in which the very real … [Link] RSS » Wondering what to get your racist uncle for Christmas? How about the chance to be buried in the Hitler family plot? [Unlikely]

Saturday 31 March 2:58:31 UTC 2012

Unlikely [link] [60 comments] [Link]

<title>Weird Universe » Nano Printing

Saturday 31 March 2:31:34 UTC 2012

The Vienna University of Technology has perfected the ability to produce 3D structures the size of a grain of sand like the one above. These tiny replicas are made using highly focused light beams and resin. The process is called Two Photon Lithography and the detail is amazing. Can't wait to see the practical applications for this.

Comments [Link]

Mental Floss » The Late Movies: Arresting Music

Saturday 31 March 2:30:34 UTC 2012

A video showing a fellow who had been arrested, took the internet by storm today. He was confined to the back of a police car and sang “Bohemian Rhapsody” in its entirety, while completely snoggered. Robert Wilkinson had a little too much and decided the squad car was the perfect place for karaoke. How did he remember the whole song … [Link] RSS » Here's a bunch of things you have better odds of happening to you than winning the Mega Millions tonight (w/pics) [Interesting]

Saturday 31 March 2:28:34 UTC 2012

Interesting [link] [211 comments] [Link] RSS » Today on Weird Internets: Some twit is making it his mission to get to know every Kevin on Twitter [Weird]

Saturday 31 March 1:31:36 UTC 2012

Weird [link] [44 comments] [Link] RSS » 71-year-old woman arrested for standing her ground, shooting at three intruders in her house who shot back, wounding her. Who cares if intruders were deputy sheriffs on a welfare check? It was self-defense [Florida]

Saturday 31 March 1:08:35 UTC 2012

Florida [link] [243 comments] [Link] RSS » My friends kid is missing, could the farkers from Alberta and BC keep an eye out for her? Likely places she went include Edmonton, Calgary, or heading to the west coast. LGT pic, contact info. FOLLOWUP: She's been found. No details yet [Scary]

Saturday 31 March 0:19:50 UTC 2012

Scary [link] [159 comments] [Link] RSS » Photoshop this bike bail [Photoshop]

Saturday 31 March 0:00:01 UTC 2012

Photoshop [link] [21 comments] [Link]


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